


What Is Love?

by thescienceofphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, High School Drama, Homophobic Language, M/M, Original Character(s), Piano, Romance, Sexuality Crisis, Swearing, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, not much drama or angst don't worry, some references to the videothatshallnotbenamed, there's more to this story than that's said in the summary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-03-16 07:03:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 53,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3478829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thescienceofphan/pseuds/thescienceofphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is paired up with the new student, Phil Lester, and is assigned to write a thousand word essay on the topic "What is love?" within a  week. As they venture deeper into the topic, they slowly found themselves questioning each other the same thing: "How would you know if you love someone? How do you fall in love? How would you know if you have fallen in love?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is like the fourth time I re polished and cleaned this fanfic for AO3 because AO3 is like up THERE in the fanfiction writing community (and because I don't have a beta reader) so I really really hope you guys like it, I worked really hard on it :) I'll try my best to clean and re-master this fic from FF as fast as I can! Kudos and comments will be loved! (and keeps me alive)

_“Have you ever been in love? If so, who with?”_  
  
_“I’d say three times. Maybe once can’t count as real love. Then the next one was, but it wasn’t happy love. Then the third time is the best time ever. Real true requited love is the best feeling in the world.”_  
  
\- Dan Howell (2009/2010)

* * *

 It was Friday.

I dragged my feet across the floor in the school corridors as I pushed my way through the mass of students in the hall and finally made it to my English class. I sat at my seat next to the window and started to daydream like I always did.

English was boring; at least it was to me. But it didn't really matter since I got pretty good grades at it. I just found it boring, probably not as boring as history though.

The whole class was starting to fill up with students so I decided to look out the window, many students and children were running randomly around the garden, being silly with their friends by playing tag and such, even though class was about to start in like three minutes. And for some reason, it made me feel sad inside.

Not because I was worried about the students being late for their classes, and not because they were practically destroying the plants in the garden (in which case, I should feel bad about that) but the fact that I see them laughing and smiling around each other and the fact that they're having so much fun with their friends, unlike me.

To be honest, I never really had any close friends. Sure I have a few friends that I hang around with, but it seemed as though they never really liked me that much. I felt like I was just an extra weight, someone they just drag around. Even though they called me their 'friend' and even though I hung out with them, deep _deep_ down inside, I was still pretty much alone. And that was all I have ever been. A loner.

My thoughts were interrupted when someone in front of the room loudly clapped their hands together to get everyone's attention to the front.

My head turned to the front of the room and saw Mr. Flare, continuously clapping his hands together until everyone had finally shut up, but something else caught my attention.

Mr. Flare wasn't the only one standing in front of the classroom, another tall figure stood next to him, looking down and nervously playing with the hem of his shirt.

"Alright, settle down now." Mr. Flare said as he finally stopped clapping.

Everyone in the room had finally managed to shut up and returned to their seats.

"Okay." Mr. Flare started, "As you can see, we have a new student in class. Would you like to introduce yourself, son? And maybe say a few things about you?"

The new student's face shot upwards, his face turning red. "I-I'm Phil Lester and I just moved from Lancashire…" he looked at Mr. Flare and shrugged, probably implying that he had nothing else to say. Mr. Flare quickly understood and nodded.

"Alright then. Are there any empty seats here that Phil can occupy?" he asked, scanning the room for empty seats.

"There's one right here!" A girl shouted, she sounded like she was somewhere at the back. I turned around to see Carrie, the girl who sat two desks behind me, merrily pointing at the empty desk in front of her, or in other words, pointing at the unoccupied desk right behind me.

"Ah." Mr. Flare snapped his finger and gestured Phil to sit down at the desk, "There you go, now go ahead and sit down, we're about to begin."

Phil nodded and he made his way to his desk, hearing a few giggles from the girls and a few scoffs from the boys.

I turned around and watched him as he sat down at his desk. He quickly hung his head low, low enough that his fringe covered his entire face, preventing everyone from seeing his face. I knew that staring was a bit rude but I couldn't help it, I would always stare at the new students, just taking all their little features in, remembering what they look like so I could tell who they were without knowing their names (and I have to admit, that was a bit creepy) but this time, I wasn't able to.

"Okay, now let's get started…" Mr. Flare enthusiastically said as he wrote a few things on the board.

I turned my attention back at the front of the room and sighed, knowing that the following hour would a pretty boring one.

  
_***~*~*~*~*~*** _

  
"Alright class! Before I dismiss everyone, there's something that I want you guys to do…" Mr. Flare announced as he erased everything on the board and wrote the words **'Project in English'** on it. "As you can see from what I just wrote, here's your project in English…"

The students in the classroom all groaned in frustration, including me.

"Now, now, this is a very important project." Mr. Flare continued, "The principal personally told me to tell you guys this project of his."

He then proceeded to write the words **'1,000 word essay'** on the board. "Alright, now each student will be pairing up into two and I will assign a topic on each pair that they will work together on, and they will be writing a 1,000 word essay on the said topic. Got it?"

The students grunted as a response. "Okay. Now, pair up into two!"

Everyone in the room proceeded to pair up with their friends. And as for me, I just kind of sat there, knowing that no one would want to pair up with me and I would wind up doing the project all by myself again, which I didn't really mind, I got used to it. Sometimes, I thought it would be easier to work on your own.

As everyone else started pairing up with each other, I decided to look out the window and waited until everybody is paired up. But in the corner of my eye, I could see Mr. Flare approaching me from his desk. "Dan?"

I turned my attention to him; he was standing in front of my desk with a sincere look on his face. "Yeah?"

"I seem to notice that every time I give out a project, you always work alone." he stated, "Why is that? You can't pair up with anybody?"

I shrugged and admitted, "Yeah, I guess…"

"Well, if that's the case…" Mr. Flare continued, "I hope you won't mind if I pair you up with Phil, would you?"

I raised an eyebrow at him, giving him the _'You're not serious, are you?_ ' look.

"C'mon Dan, he's new and I want him to properly participate in this project. You can help him out, right? C'mon…"

I sighed and rolled my eyes in defeat, "Fine…"

Mr. Flare grinned at my response, "Great!" he happily shouted. He then turned his attention to the person sitting behind me. "Phil?"

I also turned my attention to him. Phil snapped his head up from his notebook as he finished off his notes. And by there, I was able to see his face, just a bit since half of his face was still covered by his raven black fringe.

His face was as pale, I didn't know if it was naturally pale or he was just loosing his color because we were making him tense. His lips were pink and plump, probably because he was biting it and his eyes were piercing blue. His pale skin contrasted perfectly against his jet black hair, I'd be lying if I say he wasn't attractive.

"Yes..?" he asked in a small voice.

"You'll be paired up with Dan, is that okay?" Mr. Flare asked, gesturing at me.

Phil turned to me and I gave him a small wave, then he turned back to Mr. Flare. "O-Okay…"

"Don't worry, Phil." Mr. Flare reassuringly said and then he suddenly patted my back, "This one won't bite. Right, Dan?"

I looked at him and gave him a thumbs up. Mr. Flare grinned and nodded at me.

"See?" he told Phil. Once he noticed that everyone in the classroom got into pairs, he left us and went to his desk, awkward silence substituting his previous presence.

Phil continued to write down notes on his notebook and I readjusted my sitting position, setting my eyes back into the window next to me.

"Alright! It seemed that all of you found your partners, yeah?" Mr. Flare started, "Now, here are the topics that I'll be assigning to each pairs…"

Mr. Flare carried on telling the other pairs what their topic was, but I didn't really pay any attention, I was just waiting for my name to be called, but there were a few interesting topics I over heard Mr. Flare assigning to some of the pairs. There was one topic that I thought was probably the hardest one, and it was **'What is the meaning of life?'** , so I kind of felt bad to whoever got that topic.

"And lastly, Dan and Phil…" I quickly turned my attention to Mr. Flare at the front, "Your topic would be the question **'What is love?'** got it?"

I internally groaned. 'What is love?' I don't know about Phil, but I think that seemed like a really hard topic to write about.

I just nodded at Mr. Flare in response.

"Alright, everyone remember to write a 1,000 word essay with your partner on the given topic." Mr. Flare continued, "Deadline's Wednesday, and this is where the interesting bit comes in…"

Mr. Flare sat down on his desk table, "Next Friday, a program will be held in the school's auditorium, and the principal personally told me to pair up my class in two and each will be given a certain topic, which I just did. Now, once you guys send me your finished essays, I'll be narrowing the best ones down to three and the pairs who wrote those three essays will be reciting it on the stage in the school's auditorium, in front of thousands of people."

Several people in the class started to gasp at the sudden concept. "And of those three essays that will be recited in front of the whole school, the principal will pick the one he thought was the best and the pair who made the certain essay will have their picture taken, framed and hung in the school's Hall of Fame, and their names will be written down in school history."

I raised both of my eyebrows in surprise. For just an essay, you would forever leave your mark on the school's history? That was a pretty good deal, to be honest. Though, I really didn't think I cared about it that much.

"Now I hope that motivates you guys to make your essay the best essay you've ever written in your entire life, alright?" Mr. Flare enthusiastically said. And shortly after that, the bell began to ring. "Okay, class dismissed!"

Everyone in the room started to pack up and leave the classroom. I opened my notebook and wrote my topic name in it. I wrote the words 'What is love' on top of a page. I turned around and saw Phil doing the same.

_This will be interesting…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you so much for the kudos and comments! :D And I hope you guys enjoy the rest of my story :) (I mean, the beginning sucks but it gets better in a few chapters)

I packed up all of my things in my bag and swung it over my shoulder as the whole classroom started to empty. I stood up and looked around the room; Phil still seemed to be packing his stuff, and it was only the two of us left in the room.

Awkward silence filled in the classroom so I decided to turn around and leave. Before I even reached the door, I heard books and pens clashing onto the floor behind me. I quickly turned my head and saw that everything that was in Phil's bag was all sprawled out across the floor.

I sighed as I saw him kneeling down and picking up all of his stuff. I didn't know if I was supposed to help him or not. Obviously, I should, but I guess I was just a bit too lazy. I finally gave up the debate on whether or not I should help him by walking towards him and kneeling down beside him, picking up the other stuff he spilled out.

I heard his small gasp as I picked up his stuff off the floor. His hands were frozen in place, but after a few seconds he started to pick up his stuff on the floor again.

We were just silent as we picked up all the pens and papers, and the awkward silence was unbearable. I had to say something, anything. "Gravity's a bitch, aint' it?"

I mentally slapped myself. Gravity's a bitch? What the fuck was that? You could've said anything, Dan. Anything at all. And you go ahead and say 'Gravity's a bitch'. It didn't make things less awkward, if anything; it made things a lot more awkward, thanks to you. I should've just shut up. _I should've just shut up._

While I was too busy mentally digging my own grave, I swore I heard a small giggle.

When I finally gathered all of Phil's stuff, I carefully handed it to him. His head was still hanging low. "Here…"

He snapped his head up and our eyes locked together. I stared into his crystal blue eyes, now only realising that they had a mix of yellow and green, they were beautiful.

_Wait…beautiful?_

Our gaze broke when his eyes quickly darted on the stuff I was holding out to him.

He took all the books and pens from my hands and nervously nodded. "T-Thank you…"

I gave him a small smile. "No problem…" I cleared my throat, "I'm so sorry about that gravity joke. That was absolutely horrendous…"

He chuckled, his cheeks turning a bit pink. "No, it's fine."

Phil hastily stuffed his backpack and zipped it tightly, making sure his stuff wouldn't fall out this time. He brushed himself and stood up, swinging his bag on his back.

"Umm… you're Dan, right?" he nervously asked as he fiddled with the straps of his bag.

I stood up and nodded. "Yup."

"Okay, so how are we going to do this project?" he asked, not at all making eye contact with me.

"Umm… I don't know, actually." I answered honestly, "I was hoping you had some ideas, do you?"

He shrugged. "I think I have a few…"

"That's great then…" I smiled at him.

He smiled back and nodded farewell as he awkwardly shuffled out of the room, quickly ending our short conversation, and I was left alone in the empty classroom. I thought about following him for a second but held the thought back.

I walked out of the classroom and stared at him from a distance as he made his way down the hall, he looked so lonely; it was kind of sad seeing him like that.

_Ah, fuck it._

I quickly ran up to him, it wouldn't hurt to try and be friends with him. He was new and he needed a friend in this school.

"So uhh…" I started as I caught up with him, "When are we starting on the essay?"

Phil shrugged as we walked along the hallway. "When are you free?" he quietly asked.

"Hmm…" I thought for a second, "I'm free right now. Want to do it, now?"

He stopped walking and turned to me with an eyebrow raised. "Really? Now?"

I nodded. "Yeah, now… do you have other plans?"

He rapidly shook his head as he stared down at his shoes. "N-No…"

I sighed. He seemed so awkward and uncomfortable around me; then again, it was kind of the same for me. Hopefully, as time passes by; this awkward and uncomfortable aura would fade away.

I patted his shoulder reassuringly, and it made him look up at me.

I gave him a small smile. "Now c'mon, where should we do the project..?"

  
**_*~*~*~*~*~*~_ **

  
We made our way out of the school building and pushed through the students that were scattered in front of the school. When Phil and I finally exited the gates, I was suddenly greeted by the last person I wanted to see.

"Danny!" I heard her shout from a distance.

I cringed, knowing that she was going to approach me in a few seconds. I ignored her and continued to walk away from the gates as fast as possible, but Phil was slowing me down. He was constantly turning his head from left to right, probably looking for the person who was calling out to me.

I quickly grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the gates. "C'mon, Phil."

He looked at me, confused, "But there's someone—"

"Danny! There you are!" I heard her suddenly say behind me and I sighed in defeat.

_Great, just great…_

I slowly turned around and there she was, hurriedly walking towards me with her long blonde hair flowing in the wind and the skirt of her uniform slightly rising up from the merry movements of her legs.

She happily opened her arms and tackle-hugged me before I could even say anything.

While she was hugging me, I looked over her shoulder to see Phil, who was just standing awkwardly beside the school gate, looking at us with both of his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"How are you Danny-bear?" she enthusiastically asked as she pulled away from me.

I never really liked it when people call me Danny; much less call me Danny-bear. "I'm good, Jill. You?"

"I'm great!" Jill shouted as she glanced towards a group of guys coming towards our direction. "Come here, you." she quickly said before she grabbed my neck and crashed our lips together.

I kept my eyes wide open in shock as she moved her lips forcefully against mine. The kiss felt hollow, it felt empty; it was a kiss with no emotion mixed in. I never really understood why people liked kissing so much; it was just two lips being pressed up together and tongue wrapping around each other, nothing more than that. I didn't really know what all the fuss was about.

I looked over and watched as the group of guys passed us, our lips still attached together. Some of the guys gave us a few quick glances before they caught up with their group.

Once they all passed us, Jill quickly pulled away and gazed at them. I looked over and saw Phil, rocking himself back and fort using the heels of his shoes and doing a really awkward Kirby face, it was kind of cute.

"Whew…" Jill breathed out as she turned to me, "That kiss was pretty intense, wasn't it?"

I decided I should just humor her and nod. "Yeah, it was."

She turned her attention to the third person that was standing awkwardly in the corner with us and raised an eyebrow at him. "And who's this? I don't think I've seen him around school before."

"This is Phil." I said, "New student, Mr. Flare paired us up together for his English project."

"I see." Jill nodded along, "I'll be busy on the weekends so I'll see you on Monday in school then, yeah?"

I shrugged. "Okay, sure."

"Alright. Bye, Danny!" she merrily shouted as she skipped back to her friends.

I sighed as I turned my attention back to Phil who was staring down at his feet. "So… where to? Yours or mine?"

He looked back up and nervously said, "Umm… my place?"

I smiled at him. "Lead the way then…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo here's another re-polished chapter! And thank you again so much for the kudos and comments! They're all very much appreciated :)

"So umm…" Phil murmured, finally breaking the silence that carried on as we walked, "That was your girlfriend?"

I looked at him with my both of my eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Wasn't that already obvious? But I couldn't really blame him; I question myself the same thing, to be honest.

I raised my shoulder up to shrug. "Well… kind of…"

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow, still walking down the street. "Kind of..?"

"It's a bit hard to explain, actually…" I simply said, "But if you really want to know, I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell you."

Phil's face started to light up as we turned around a corner.

"Okay…" I cleared my throat, "Jill is sort of popular. Well, really popular actually… all of the boys –and some girls, drooled over her."

Phil nodded along. "Anyway… she and this guy named Scott – another popular person in school, a.k.a. the school's 'heart throb'. They were dating for ages; they were like the ultimate celebrity power couple in school. But Scott broke up with her a few months ago and she didn't really handle the break up quite well."

I paused when Phil suddenly turned to a different street (because apparently we lived in the same street). He turned and walked into the park, "Erm, Phil? Where are you going –our street's this way."

He turned around and gestured me to follow him. "Don't worry, this is a short cut. C'mon."

I went along with it and followed him.

"You can continue your story…" he said.

"Oh right…" I cleared my throat (again). "So one day, I was just minding my own business in history class when all of the sudden she came up to me and started to get a bit playfully chatty. So then later that day, she asked me out on a date and asked me to be her boyfriend, which I happily said yes to." I said, slightly cringing at the memory.

"Now, I said yes because first of all, I sort of fancied her at the moment. And second of all, it was Jill, the most popular girl in school, who wouldn't want to be her boyfriend?" I casually said, looking over at Phil who was just nodding his head along.

"And… I was lonely and kind of invisible in school. I thought being her boyfriend meant that I would gain popularity and attention as well. You know, have lots of friends and stuff." I sadly muttered.

Phil turned to me; the way he looked at me was almost like he pitied me. "Didn't you, though..?"

I shrugged. "I mean, kind of… some people knew who I was but I didn't really gain much popularity…"

Silence filled in for a few seconds before Phil decided to break it again, "I-I see…I'm sorry…"

"It's fine." I awkwardly chuckled out, "The relationship was actually going well for several weeks, until her friends told me the truth and admitted that Jill was just dating me to get back at Scott. She wanted to date a guy who's 'good looking' enough to make Scott jealous, and they told me this because I guess they kind of pitied me.

"Even after what they said, I still wanted to be her boyfriend. But after several days passed, and ever since her friends told me I was just being used, Jill became nothing but a girl who would tackle-hug me every time Scott and his friends pass by. And obviously, I found that really annoying now, I found her really annoying…"

"Then…" Phil whispered, "why don't you break up with her…?"

I gave out a big sigh and shyly shrugged. "I don't know… maybe it's because I thought deep _deep_ down inside, I actually love her… for some reason."

"Well…" Phil mumbled, "Do you..?"

I stared down at my moving feet and shook my head. "I don't really know…"

No one said anything for a several minutes, the silence felt comfortable. Just the sound of our footsteps, birds chirping and trees rustling made everything a bit relaxing, but I decided I should at least say something after that long story.

"Now you better not tell anyone else about this, okay?" I playfully said, trying my hardest to lighten up the mood a bit, "This will be our little secret."

Phil chuckled, making the whole situation lighter. I kind of liked the sound of his chuckle. "Nah, I swear I won't tell anyone-"

And then he suddenly stopped walking, his eyebrows were furrowed, "Do you hear that?"

I stopped in front of him, confused. "Hear what, exactly?"

"That. The meowing…"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Meowing?"

He nodded his head vigorously. "Yeah, listen closely…"

After we let silence take over the atmosphere, I could hear a faint but loud meowing, it sounded rather close. "Yeah, I can hear it now."

"Where is it coming from?" Phil asked as he started to walk around his spot, turning his head from every direction it would possibly make. And then he gasped.

"Oh no…" he loudly muttered as he approached a garbage can that was neatly placed next to a bench. "Dan, come look…" he said, with a bit of sadness in his voice,

I walked up to him and approached the garbage can as Phil quickly bent down and stretched his arms inside the can, coming back up with a very small kitten in his hands; it was violently shivering as it meowed.

"Oh my god…" I managed to whisper out.

"Who in hell would leave a kitten in a garbage can?" Phil complained as he softly stroked the kitten and held it close to him, "Poor thing…"

"Yeah…" I breathed out. I reached my hand over and gently stroked the kitten's head with my fingertips, Phil's finger softly brushing against mine.

"Look, he's so adorable…" Phil giggled as he watched the kitten stretch out its arms and leg in Phil's hand. "Isn't he adorable?"

I took my eyes off the kitten and fixed it on Phil, his smile and giggle as he softly caressed the kitten was the cutest thing ever, it made me smile.

"Yeah…" I quietly said, "Yeah he is…"

"Phil!" I heard someone suddenly shout from a distance, making me and Phil jump. We both turned our heads and saw a woman approaching us.

"Mum?" Phil said in shock.

His mum was about to say something when she saw the kitten, snuggling peacefully in her son's hand. "Phil, what are you doing with that thing? You're allergic to those!"

I raised both of my eyebrows in surprise; I didn't know Phil was allergic to cats; he seemed perfectly fine around them.

"'Lemme have him here…" I quickly whispered to Phil and he carefully handed me the kitten. I could feel it breath, I could feel its heart beat; it was scary to be holding something so small and fragile.

"Oh, hello," Phil's mum suddenly said, sounding a bit surprised, "Phil, who's this handsome young man?"

I could feel my cheeks slowly burning under the woman's gaze.

"This is Dan," Phil simply said, "I met him at school, and we were assigned a project together and I was hoping that we'd do the project at our house, is that okay?"

"That's totally fine Phil, but we're going somewhere today." Phil's mum said, "We'll be buying furniture while your father repaints the apartment. We also have that big fancy dinner with the landlord in like 5 minutes. So right after we get home, you need to get dressed, okay?"

"When are we buying?" Phil asked.

"Now." Phil's mum stated.

"Now?!"

"Yes, now…" Phil's mum nodded, "We don't want to be late for the dinner reservations, and I was going to pick you up at school. Now c'mon, you can do your project tomorrow, when is it due?"

"Wednesday." I answered, the kitten still at hand.

"Ahh, well…" Phil's mum breathed out, "See? You could always do it tomorrow. C'mon now, Phil." Phil's mum quickly gestured him to follow her.

Phil turned to me and frowned. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then…"

"Yeah," I nodded, "Where, though?"

"Umm…." Phil thought, looking around the park, "How about in this bench right here? I have an idea about what we could do with the project, around 2 pm?" he pointed at the bench that was near the trash can where he found the kitten in.

"Alright, 2 pm." I agreed, "Can I have your number as well? Just in case I couldn't come, I could always text you."

Phil nodded and quickly pulled out his phone from his pocket and we began to exchange numbers. After we both got each other's numbers, I carefully held up the kitten, took its little paw and wave it at Phil, "Say good bye –oh wait, you're allergic, I'm sorry…"

Phil chuckled and his mum suddenly joined in the conversation. "About that, we need to get your medication before you start wheezing out here, now c'mon."

"Bye Dan." Phil smiled as he followed his mother and promptly made their way out the park, and I was left with the kitten, softly purring in my hands.

I didn't know what I was going to do with it, I couldn't take it home, my mum was allergic to them as well, and I couldn't just leave it here. I sighed softly as I caressed the kitten.

"Sir? Sir!" a voice suddenly shouted. I cracked my head up and saw a little girl, who looked about 9, hastily running towards me.

"That's…" she panted heavily, "t-that's my kitten, sir…"

Oh, well great timing then.

"Oh, o-okay… here you go," I told her as I carefully handed the kitten to its rightful owner, "we found him in this bin right here…" I pointed out.

She gave out a sad sigh as she stroked the cat. "Poor thing… some boys from my school took him away from me earlier and I've been looking everywhere for him…" she then looked up at me and gave me a sunny smile, "Thank you so much, sir."

"Oh no, don't thank me…" I looked up and scanned the park to see Phil still making his way outside the gate. I pointed at him.

"Thank that guy over there…" I smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if it sucks but I swear the next chapters will be better ^_^;


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo here's another chapter. And this chapter is actually kind of good in my opinion so I hope you like it :P and thank you for the kudos and the nice comments! ^_^

It was Saturday.

I pulled out my phone and checked the time, it was half past two and Phil still wasn't here. I gave out a heavy sigh and leaned against the bench, impatiently tapping my fingers on my knee, waiting for Phil's arrival.

I checked my phone again, no messages. Phil would've texted me by now if he wasn't going to come or if he was going to be late, what took him so long?

What if I texted him instead? And said that I was already here?

I considered the thought and searched for Phil in my contacts.

_**'hey phil, i'm already here at the park, u still coming? x'** _

I panicked a bit when I accidentally added a kiss at the end and sent it; I was just so used to adding kisses at the end of every text I sent, it was like a reflex action. I hope he wouldn't get the wrong idea and think that I'm weird or something. But I have to be honest though, I did find Phil quite attractive.

I didn't really understand why I was a bit attracted to him though. It wasn't like I was gay, I knew I was pretty much straight. But I guess there was just something about him that made him attractive to both girls and guys.

My heart skipped a beat when my phone vibrated. I quickly opened it and read Phil's text.

_**'yeah, i'm on my way. sorry, i had to do something at home xx'** _

My lip tuned up when I saw the kisses at the end. It seemed like he didn't really mind the accidental kiss I left, and that was a bit relieving to know.

I put my phone away, suddenly feeling a bit fuzzy inside, and lifted up my backpack onto my lap, unzipped it and bringing out my pen and notebook for preparation.

Several minutes passed and I spotted Phil walking towards me from the park entrance and I greeted him with a bright smile.

"Hey," I said once he approached me, "Nice to see you."

_Nice to see you? Why am I so awkward?_

I slightly cringed at myself as Phil sat down next to me and propped up his messenger bag on his lap.

"I'm so sorry, did I keep you waiting?" Phil asked, with a tone of concern in his voice.

I smiled at him and shook my head. "No it's alright, it's fine." I softly said as I tapped my pen on my notebook.

He ruffled his already messy dark hair and pushed it to the side, some of his hair falling back to his eyes as he turned to me and returned with an apologetic smile. He _was_ attractive.

I cleared my throat as I felt my cheeks heat up a bit and leaned back into the bench. "So… what are we going to do about this project?"

"Yeah, okay…" Phil took out his pen and notebook, "I thought we could go around the park and ask people 'What is love?' to them. It doesn't have to be like 20 paragraphs long, it could be something simple like: 'Love is when your mum gives the best piece of muffin to you' or something in the lines of that. I mean, we could do it so we don't have to fill in 1,000 words of useless things about love because we have nothing else to fill in, we could fill that in later when there would be like 100 words left or something…"

I raised both my eyebrows and nodded approvingly at the thought. "That's a good idea actually…"

"Really?" Phil asked as his eyes lit up.

I nodded again. "Yeah, although…" I trailed off as I scanned my eyes around the park, "I don't know if anyone wants to be surveyed right now."

Phil turned his head around and examined the park, seeing several couples sitting in benches, walking around and a few children running back and fort from the playground to their parents who were watching them from a distance. "Oh, okay…"

I turned back to him and saw a bit of sadness in his eyes. "B-But it wouldn't hurt asking them a few questions, now would it?" I quickly said, "Now c'mon, we don't want that idea to go to waste."

Phil's grin slowly came back as he turned to me, which was a relief. I liked it when he smiled at me.

Wait, why was I even thinking like this? I wasn't supposed to be saying these things in my head.

I quickly shook off the thought as I stood up with my backpack strapped on one of my shoulders and pen and notebook at hand.

Phil followed as we began to walk around the park and shyly asked a few couples, a few parents and maybe a few children what was love to them.

 

_***~*~*~*~*~*~** _

 

After a few hours of walking around the park and surveying people, Phil and I walked into town and went to Starbucks for a couple of drinks. Because walking around and talking to people was pretty tiring, believe it or not.

"What do you want?" Phil asked as we queued up in the counter.

"Just Caramel Macchiato for me, thanks…" I shrugged.

"Alright, how 'bout you go find us a seat?"

I nodded at him before I went off and searched for a seat. I spotted one near a window and quickly sat on one of the single sofas before anyone else was able to take it. I plopped up my bag on my lap and brought out my notebook.

Some of them (well most of them) said they didn't really have the time to talk but a few really nice people had given us their views on love. Some had the same answers like:

_"Love is an emotion that every single living thing on Earth feels"_

_"Love is something you couldn't avoid giving and getting"_

_"Love is when a man and a woman meet and they feel like they want to stay with each other forever"_

Which were good answers, but they weren't the kind of answers we were looking for. Luckily, we came across a few couples who gave us the kind of answers that we needed. Such as:

_"Love is when you offer your jacket to your girlfriend/boyfriend when they're feeling a bit chilly"_

_"Love is when you accidentally burn your dinner but your husband/wife still ate it and told you it was good even though you both knew it wasn't (but they said it anyway to make you feel good)"_

And a few funny ones like:

_"Love is when you accidentally spilled sauce all over your friend's dress so you spill some of the sauce on yourself as well so your friend wouldn't feel too bad about their dress"_

And they were all great. I really should give props to Phil for this idea, I really liked this idea. It was nice hearing answers like these, it was really cute and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"So how did we do?" Phil asked as he took the sofa on the other side of the small table.

"Pretty well actually…" I nodded at him, "Although, we still have a couple hundreds of words to fill in, but they manage to take out several words."

"Oh that's fine; we'll fill in the rest with our own answers." Phil said as he settled in his seat.

I set down the notebook on the table. "So, what did you get?"

"Caramel Macchiato." Phil simply said.

I smiled at him. "Nice choice."

"Thanks," he chuckled out, "I also ordered a few biscuits, if you don't mind."

"Who would mind biscuits? Like seriously, of course I don't." I laughed.

Phil reached out and slid my notebook onto his side of the table and examined it. It was nice to know that Phil became a bit more comfortable and less awkward around me. "Hmm… well, most of them had the same answer, didn't they?"

"Yeah, but some of them gave pretty cute answers too. Which was good, right?" I asked as I leaned in on the table. Phil nodded as he slid my notebook back on to my side.

"What about you?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"What do you think love is? Just a simple one, like the others…"

Phil thought for a moment while he was tapping his fingers on the table. "Well, love is… putting someone else's needs before yours?"

I smirked. "You took that from Frozen, didn't you?"

Phil giggled, his tongue sticking out a bit. "Yeah, I know. Sorry, that's all I could think about at the moment. But it was still right, right?"

"Yeah, I guess…" I said, rolling my eyes playfully.

Phil stared down at his fingers. "You know, a lot of people were saying that love is something that a man and a woman share." Phil mumbled, "Which was right, yes, but love is also shared by mother and a child, a child and a pet, a person and a… plant?" Phil giggled at the last one.

"And it also wouldn't be wrong if love is shared by a man and a man, a woman and a woman. Love is love, and it works in a lot of ways." Phil said.

I gave him a soft smile as I clicked my pen and wrote down what Phil had said. "We should be writing that down, you know?"

Phil looked up and quietly laughed. "Oh, yeah."

"Phil Lester?" the woman at the counter called out.

"Ah, there's our order." Phil said as he stood up.

He came back with our Caramel Macchiato and a plate filled with a couple of biscuits. Phil sat down and handed my mug.

"Thanks." I quickly said as I took a biscuit from the plate.

Phil smiled as he propped up his elbows on the table and stirred his cup. "It's now your turn. What's love to you?"

I sighed. "Alright, I'll be honest with you." I stated as I raised both my arms up in surrender, "I have no idea what love is."

Phil arched his eyebrows in confusion. "Wait, really?"

"Well, I know the basic stuff," I shrugged as I continued to stir my cup, "love is an emotion blah blah blah, but there is so much more what love is and I guess that's why I don't have an exact answer.

"Love is a lot of things, and everyone experience different kinds of love. There's friendly, brotherly, parent love, committed love and probably more kinds that we haven't even discovered yet." I said, "Love is seen in different perspective by other people, it's all depending on how they experience it."

Phil nodded, grabbing his pen and notebook. "We should be writing that down too, you know?"

I smiled. "Right..."

After Phil finished writing, he took his cup and brought it up to take a small sip. I propped my elbow up the table and rested my chin on the palm of my hand.

"Alright, so enough serious stuff," I enthusiastically said, breaking the awkward silence, "you're from up north, right? Lancashire? Where in Lancashire? You don't sound very northern-ish."

Phil looked up from his cup and smiled. "I'm from the Rossendale valley. My house used to be in like a hill and the view was really lovely." he said, "And I guess that's because I've been around southern people quite a lot recently. I used to be really northern back then, you should've seen me."

"You must've been," I chuckled, "so why did you move in Manchester then?"

Phil shrugged. "Serious business stuff my parents do? Job thing, I guess…"

"Ah, I see…I used to live in Reading, which you can tell by my really southern accent. And then everyone thinks I'm posh." I awkwardly laughed.

"Oh, so you're not posh?" Phil asked.

"Nope," I shook my head, "why? Did you think I was?"

"Maaaaybeee…."

I playfully pulled a grumpy face. Phil brought up his cup to drink, chuckling at my grumpy expression at the same time which caused him to suddenly choke on his drink. He tried his best to keep his coughs quite as he put down the empty cup, and I started to laugh at him.

"Are you okay?" I asked in between laughs.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Phil said, slowly joining in the laughter, "I don't know what just happened there."

As the laughter died out, I rearranged my self on the seat and leaned further on the table. "Alright, let's play a game. I'm going to be firing up a few questions for you and you have to answer them as fast as you can, okay?"

Phil's eyes lit up. "Okay!"

"Three…two…one… GO! What's your favorite game?"

"Final Fantasy VII."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"Eugh, there's so many. I don't know!"

"Favorite TV show?"

"Buffy: The Vampire Slayer."

"Favorite anime?"

"Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood."

"Favorite band?"

"Muse?"

"Favorite album?"

"The Origin of Symmetry."

"Celebrity crush?"

"Sarah Michelle Gellar?"

"Favorite animal?"

"Lions!"

I slowly and quietly clapped my hands together as I pulled an amused expression. "Wow, seems like we have a bunch of things in common," I said as I nodded my head, "you have good taste, I'm impressed."

"Why, thank you…" Phil chuckled, "I have a few questions for you too, actually."

"Really? Fire them up then!" I said grinning.

"Alright. Bears or squares?"

"Squares."

"Squares or chairs?"

"Chairs."

"Chairs or stairs?"

"Stairs..?"

Phil smiled and nodded his head at me, then simply said, "Okay…"

I then suddenly burst out into laughter again, and tried my best to keep it down. "Wait, what was that?"

Phil shrugged. "What? Those were my questions."

I shook my head amusingly as him. I never thought talking to someone would be kind of fun; it was really nice hanging out with Phil even though we've only met yesterday. I felt really comfortable around him. The awkward aura between us was starting to fade away, thankfully.

We continued to talk about fun and random stuff until Phil received a message from his mum, telling him to come home and to arrange his stuff in the bedroom since some of his stuff were still in boxes.

"Sorry, Dan. I have to go…" Phil sighed, "It was nice hanging out with you, though."

"Aww, but can't you stay for a little while longer?" I begged, which was a bit weird because I have never begged for anyone to stay with me longer before. Maybe that was because I really liked having endless conversations with Phil.

Phil sadly smiled. "I'm sorry, Dan. My mum texted me ten times now about getting home."

I sighed and leaned back into my seat. "Well, okay then…"

Phil grabbed his things and stuffed it inside his messenger back, and strapped it across his torso.

"We could… hang out at my house tomorrow, if you want…" Phil nervously asked as he played with the strap of his bag, "I-I mean, if you want… we could like, play video games and watch movies. Plus, we need to finish the essay, you know?"

I looked up at him and pulled a soft smile, feeling a bit giddy inside. "I'd love to."

Phil turned to me and flashed a shy smile. "O-Okay, I'll meet you at the same park bench. Same time too?"

"Sure." I nodded.

"Great," Phil grinned as he stood up from his seat. "See you, Dan…" Phil said as he patted my shoulder and made his way out the door.

I stared down at my empty mug and smiled to myself. Today was an amazing day; it was nice to just sit down and share interests with a friend and just get to know each other. And it has been a long time since I've been excited about something.

Going to a friend's house doesn't seem to be something worth getting excited about, but I didn't know why I was so excited. Maybe it was because I finally found a friend that I could hang out with? Was it because I wasn't alone anymore?

Maybe.

Whatever the reason was, I was just happy I could get to hang out with Phil again. I just wanted to see him again so badly… and I didn't know why either.

I sighed at myself, stood up and walked out of Starbucks, my stomach suddenly doing that flippy over excited thing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yees here's another 're-polised for the 100th time' chapter! (seriously, I never noticed that I used the wrong 'your' before smh) thank you so much for the kudos and the nice comments! ^_^

"Are you sure I'm allowed in?" I nervously asked as we waited inside the lift up to Phil's parent's apartment.

Phil turned to me and scoffed. "Of course you are. What makes you think you aren't allowed in?"

I shrugged and leaned onto the cold and metal wall. "I thought you guys were still unpacking and stuff. If you were, wouldn't I be disturbing you guys or something?"

Phil shook his head calmly patted my shoulder.

"No, we're all done packing; it's just me who isn't," Phil reassuringly said, "and don't worry, my mum loves guests!"

A shy smile slowly crept its way back onto my face as the lift's door opens. We walked up to Phil's apartment door and Phil quickly unlocked it. He opened it and gestured me inside.

"Don't forget to take your shoes off." Phil quickly said as he closed the door behind us.

I nodded at him before kicking my shoes off and neatly lining them up with the rest. We both walked into the lounge and set our bags down on the sofa. Phil's mum, who sat down on the sofa, quickly noticed us.

"Oh hi, Phil. I didn't hear you come in." Phil's mum suddenly fixed her eyes on me and then gave me a warm smile, "oh, and you brought someone else with you!"

I smiled at her, my cheeks slightly heating up a bit as I sat down on the couch. Phil shuffled into the kitchen, grabbed a glass and slowly filled it up with water.

"Dan, was it..?" Phil's mum asked and I nodded at her, "ah, hello Dan. How are you, dear?"

"I'm good, thanks," I beamed, "how are you?"

"I'm fantastic!" Phil's mum enthusiastically said.

"Er, mum… is it okay if me and Dan hang out in here for a bit?" Phil nervously asked as he held two pints of water in his hands.

"Of course, dear!" Phil's mum happily said, "Will Dan be staying for dinner?"

I awkwardly laughed as I shifted myself on the couch to get a more comfortable position.

"Umm… no sorry, I won't. Thank you, though…"

Phil's mum pouted. "Aww, that's a shame…oh well, just make yourself at home, Dan."

I smiled at her as I saw Phil approaching me and handing me a glass of water. I carefully took it from his hand and quietly thanked him before taking a sip. He sat down next to me and placed his glass on the coffee table. "My room's really messy and there are cardboard boxes lying around everywhere so I hope it's fine if we work out here."

"That's fine, don't worry…" I said.

"Should we start on the project so we don't have to worry about anything else later?"

I thought about it for a while before nodding. I reached for my bag and pulled out my pen and notebook.

"Hey, mum?" Phil called out.

Phil's mum looked up from the book she was reading. "Yes, dear?"

"What's love to you?"  
  


***~*~*~*~*~*~**

  
"No! Stop it Phil!" I cried out as he suddenly covered my eyes with his free hand, his other hand gripped tightly on his controller and his eyes still glued to the screen. I pulled my head away from his hand as my character finally crossed the finish line.

I turned to Phil and he quickly pulled a frustrated pout. He dropped his controller and crossed his arms.

"I hate this game," he mumbled, "it's not fair, you're too good at this."

I chuckled at him and patted his head.

"It's okay; you'll get better at it eventually." I grinned.

After working a bit on our project, we got bored and decided to play Mario Kart instead. And obviously, Phil was not impressed by my Mario Kart skills. I put the controller down on the coffee table and leaned back into the couch.

"Want to play something else, then?" I asked, "How 'bout Sonic 4?"

Phil looked up and shrugged.

"Sure, I guess." Phil casually said as he stood up from the couch, "I'll go get it, it's in my room."

"Okay then," I smiled and nodded at him before he walked away to his room.

Should I follow him? I thought. It wouldn't really hurt to see his room; I just wanted to know what it looked like, I was just a tad bit curious.

I stood up from the couch and quietly walked to Phil's bedroom door.

Once I stood in the door's frame, I quickly scanned the room with my eyes. Ignoring the many boxes that were laid around the room, there were several posters posted on the wall, band posters, movie posters, video game posters and a few posters of Sarah Michelle Gellar. There was an empty shelf near the window, a desk where his computer sat on, a wardrobe and of course his bed. I noticed a few stuffed lions hidden in every corner of the room, which I thought were really cute. It seemed like a pretty typical Phil room.

Phil was bent over and was rummaging on a box labeled: "Video Games" which meant I got a perfect view of his rear. His shirt rode up a bit as he bent deeper inside the box, exposing the skin on his lower back and the waistband of his Calvin Klein underwear.

I bit my lip, the sight made my stomach feel weird and my heart beat fast. I didn't know how long I just stood there, but once I noticed that I was just staring at his ass, I quickly looked away, my face burning, and cleared my throat, which made Phil jump and turn around.

"I-I thought you weren't finished packing yet?" I awkwardly laughed out, "your room looks amazing."

Phil looked up and gave a shy smile, his hand clenching on the cover of Sonic 4. "Thanks, but yeah, I'm not quite done yet." he gestured towards the boxes labeled: 'Movies' 'Video Games' and 'Books'.

"But I did finish decorating my room," Phil beamed as he stood next to me, "what do you think?"

"It looks great." I smiled at him.

"Now c'mon, let's go play Sonic." Phil enthusiastically said as we walked back into the lounge and sat on the sofa as Phil prepared the game.

"We should watch a movie later, actually." I said, "You have any good movies?"

Phil shrugged as he sat next to me with a controller in hand. "I don't know. I'll let you pick the movie."

I grinned. "Okay then."

After watching Phil do Impending Doom on Sonic 4 (and failing miserably at it) Phil handed me the controller and let me complete the level, it wasn't as hard as Phil made it ought to be.

While I was doing the level, we heard the front door open, but I still kept my eyes on the screen.

"Hey Phil," I heard someone say, "I see you brought someone with you."

I paused the game, looked over and saw a slightly older looking guy standing next to the sofa with short sandy hair.

He quickly noticed me staring and then suddenly ruffled Phil's hair (almost violently). "Wow, Phil. I didn't know you were into guys."

I slowly felt my face burn bright red. I notice that Phil was red as a radish as well while he swatted the guy's hand away.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Phil irritably asked

"It's okay Phil; I just didn't know you were like that. We still love you either way." the guy laughed.

"Stop it, Martyn." Phil angrily said as he crossed his arms.

"I'm just kidding, I'm sorry Phil." Martyn chuckled as he reached out and playfully ruffled Phil's hair again. He looked up at me and smiled, "Hey, I'm sorry too."

"No, it's okay…" I shyly smiled.

He turned back to Phil and gave him an apologetic smile.

"You know, I'm not going to lie, your friend is hot, and I'm not even gay!" He enthusiastically said and my face quickly flustered back into red, "So I wouldn't be surprised if you were. Because for the first time, you bring home someone gorgeous. And that could only mean one thing…"

"Shut up, Martyn. How does that even work that way?" Phil asked, looking a bit annoyed, "And, I-I'm not even like that…"

Martyn rolled his eyes. "Oookay Philip, whatever you say."

"What are you even doing here? I thought you were supposed to be out with Cornelia."

"I am, I brought her home. We were going to hang out here for a while." Martyn shrugged, "I just didn't know you were going to be here as well, I thought you went out."

"Where is she?" Phil asked.

"In the bathroom," Martyn casually said as he walked into the kitchen, "don't worry, we won't bother you guys."

Phil quickly turned to me with an apologetic expression. "I'm so sorry…"

"What are you saying sorry for? It's fine Phil. I don't mind, really." I gave him a reassuring smile, but I couldn't help but think about what Martyn had said.

_Was_ Phil like that...?

"Hi Phil! How are you?" A girl happily greeted from the doorway, with short and curly neon red hair. She was probably Cornelia, "Who's your friend?"

"Oh, this is Dan." Phil said and he turned back to me, "Dan, this is Cornelia, my brother's girlfriend."

Oh, so Martyn was Phil's brother. He should've probably clarified that.

I held out my hand and Cornelia happily shook it.

"Hi Dan, it's nice to know that Phil has already made friends with someone even though they just moved in a couple of days ago," Cornelia said, "you know, he might be a bit socially inept at first but once you get to know him, he's really loud and spontaneous –in a good way, I mean."

I chuckled. "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

Cornelia gave me a sunny smile then sat down on the other couch on our right and watched the screen as I un-paused the game and resumed playing.

_This could to be fun…_   
  


***~*~*~*~*~*~** __****  
  


"Eww…" I heard Phil suddenly whisper out as we watched the couple on the television screen make out in the rain.

Cornelia decided that we all watch The Notebook after I completed Impending Doom. Phil didn't object and neither did I, we have never seen 'The Notebook' so we both decided to give it a shot and watch it.

Cornelia and Martyn were cuddled up on the other couch and Phil and I were freely lounged back onto our couch, the lights turned off and the curtains closed, like we were actually in the cinema.

I turned to him with a playful grin. "What's wrong?"

"I don't get why people think kissing in the rain is romantic," Phil said as he brought his knees up and embraced them, "I personally think it's kind of gross…"

I chucked as I scooted closer to him and playfully nudged him on the shoulder. "Why is that?"

Phil shrugged. "Well, because first of all, you get all wet and rain gets in between your lips and it mixes with saliva and it's just, eulgh! It's just kind of gross in my opinion…"

"I see…" I turned my attention back to the screen and bit my lip, "I've always wanted to be kissed in the rain…"

In the corner of my eye, I could see Phil turning to me with both of his eyebrows raised in surprise. "Really? Why?"

"I don't know…" I shrugged, "it always seemed like there's something magical about it…"

"But aren't normal kisses supposed to feel magical? Even without the rain?"

I thought about it for a minute and shrugged again. He has a point, kisses are supposed to feel good but how should I know? I've never had a proper real kiss before. Those kisses from Jill weren't real, they weren't count as real (at least for me).

"I guess they are…" I replied, trying my best to hide the doubt in my voice.  
  


***~*~*~*~*~*~**

_  
Phil checked his watch as he rode the lift back up to his parent's apartment, 8:24 pm._

_Hopefully, his mother hasn't gone mad yet since he was ordered to go out and buy soy sauce about an hour ago. And he hoped that Dan didn't feel too lonely since he left him there to continue watching a random movie that Martyn put in._

_He did promise Dan that he would be back real soon, and he would've been back sooner if the store was closer and if the line to pay wasn't so damn long._

_The lift's doors open and Phil quickly walked to his apartment door and unlocked it, closing the door and kicking off his shoes before he walked over to the kitchen where his mother was probably waiting an eternity for him._

_"What took you so long, Phil?" his mother asked as Phil handed her the small plastic bag that contained the soy sauce._

_"I'm sorry…" Phil panted, he was a bit out of breath from speed walking all across the neighborhood, "I couldn't take the bus, traffic, so I had to sprint all the way to the store and the line was really long so…"_

_"T-That's fine dear, don't worry…" his mother said as she handed him a glass of water, "you must be exhausted…"_

_Phil happily took the water and chugged it down. "You have no idea…"_

_"You sure Dan's not staying for dinner?" his mother asked._

_"Probably not…" Phil shrugged, "I'll ask him again."_

_Phil's mother smile and nodded at him before she brought out the soy sauce from the grocery bag. Phil walked out of the kitchen and into the lounge._

_"Dan?" he called out._

_He looked around the lounge and spotted Dan, laid down and passed out on the sofa, peacefully sleeping while the movie was still being shown on TV. The sight brought a smile on Phil's face._

_Phil walked over to the couch and carefully sat down next to Dan, making sure that none of his movements were going to wake the boy up. Phil leaned in and watched as Dan slowly breath in and breath out, the smile on Phil's face only growing as he leaned closer._

_**He looks so cute and peaceful…** _ _Phil thought to himself as he reached down and carefully brushed Dan's fringe away from his eyes to get a better look of his face._

_Phil felt a presence near the doorway and looked up to see Cornelia stood there, watching over them and wearing a sweet smile with a glass of water in hand._

_Once Phil noticed her, he quickly drew his hand back and laced it together with his own, leaning back into the couch with his face completely flustered in red._

_"Oh Phil…" Cornelia breathed out as she walked over and sat down on the other couch next to him._

_"W-What? I didn't…" Phil stared down at his hands, "I-I wasn't doing anything…"_

_Cornelia clicked her tongue as she set the glass of water on the coffee table. She scooted closer to Phil and patted him reassuringly on the knee._

_"I know exactly how you feel, Phil. I've been there…" Cornelia quietly said, "And its okay, Phil. You don't have to hide anything from us; you know we still love you even if you like guys. Hell, we will still love you even if you're a serial killer!"_

_Phil chuckled._

_"Okay, maybe not a serial killer but you get the point…" Cornelia playfully took back._

_"Thanks Cornelia…" Phil smiled, "but seriously, I-I'm not… I don't-… you know..?"_

_Cornelia rolled her eyes. "Oh c'mon, Phil. Deny all you want, but I know you like him. I can see it from the way you look at him; I can see it in your eyes."_

_Phil playfully shook his head from Cornelia's speculations but then quickly stopped once he realized she was serious. Phil didn't do anything else but sigh._

_"I don't know, Cornelia…what do you suggest I do?" he sadly asked her._

_"Ask him out on a date or something! It wouldn't hurt, would it?"_

_"Yeah, I_ _**really** _ _wish it was that easy…" Phil sighed, "He's not like that, Cornelia. He has a girlfriend."_

_Cornelia raised both her eyebrows in surprise. "He does?"_

_Phil shrugged._

_"Well, sort of… it's a really long story." Phil mumbled, "But it doesn't matter. He doesn't feel the same way, alright? So can we just let it go..?"_

_"I don't know, Phil…" Cornelia smirked, "the way he looks at you and the way he acts around you…seem a bit different from platonic."_

_Phil's expression lit up a bit. "You think..?"_

_Cornelia nodded. "I'm telling you, Phil. You need to make a move before everything else is too late."_

_Phil turned his attention to Dan, still sleeping peacefully. He thought about it for a minute but then sadly sighed and turned his attention back to Cornelia. "I don't think that's a good idea…"_

_Cornelia furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "W-Why not..?"_

_"He might not feel the same way and…" Phil bit his lip, "I don't want to lose what we already have. He's an amazing guy; we get along with each other really well. I don't want to lose him as a friend, Cornelia."_

_Cornelia stared down at her feet and sighed. "I guess your right. Maybe you just need to wait and see what happens. If he does feel the same, then go for it, okay? Steal him away from his so called 'girlfriend'; you two would make an extremely cute couple!"_

_Phil blushed and flashed Cornelia a sad smile. "Thanks…"_

_Phil turned his attention back to Dan and lovingly stroked his locks, he was surprised he didn't wake up from the conversation._

_"So Dan's not staying?" Cornelia asked._

_"Nah, I'll wake him up in a bit and then maybe walk him back to his house if I'm up for it…" Phil simply said._

_"Ah well, if you do walk him back, don't forget to give him just a little peck on the cheek before you part ways!" Cornelia quietly squealed._

_Phil shook his head amusingly at the girl. "Shut up, Cornelia…"_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Yay! ^_^ Thank you so much for the kudos and nice comments! :)

"Watch your step!" I giggled and Phil quickly stepped over the random rock I pointed out.

Phil shortly joined in the laughter. "I could've died there!"

It was almost nine when Phil offered to walk me back home after he gently woke me up from my slumber and told me it was getting quite late, I didn't even realised I passed out on the sofa. He didn't really need to since it was getting late, but it was really nice of him to make sure I get home safe.

The sky was dark, the stars were beginning to appear and the breeze that flew by was starting to feel really cold. I slowly wrapped my arms around myself and rubbed my hands over my shoulders, trying to get warmth in this thin jumper as the cold breeze pass through the fabric. I clenched my teeth together to stop it from clattering together from the cold.

"Hey," Phil suddenly whispered, "are you alright? You seem really cold…"

I looked up at him and smiled. "Y-Yeah- no, I'm fine. Really…" I said as my teeth slightly clanked together, making it frankly obvious that I was cold.

"You could have my coat if you want," Phil kindly offered, "you could always return it tomorrow."

My face heated up as I shook my head at him. "N-No, it's okay. I'm fine- I'm fine, you don't need to."

"You sure?"

"Y-Yeah…" I said, staring down at the ground, "I mean, if you give me your coat, then you'll get cold. And I don't want you to get cold. Plus my house isn't that far, I can handle it."

"Alright then…"

I should've accepted his offer to be honest; I was clenching my teeth together so hard I swore I could feel it starting to break.

"So did you ever get to the end of the movie?" I asked, breaking the awkward silence, "You know, the one that Martin put in?"

Phil shook his head. "Nah, when I arrived back home, the credits were already rolling."

"Oh okay," I whispered, "What took you so long to get back, anyway?"

"The store was like a billion blocks away and I couldn't take any sort of faster transportation, bad traffic." Phil explained, "Why? Did you get lonely? If you did, I'm so sorry."

I hated to admit it but I kind of did. I've always been lonely so it didn't really matter anymore; I was sort of used to it. And for some reason, I couldn't tell Phil that, so I just shook my head and smiled at him. "No, it's okay. Your mum kept me company for a while, so I didn't feel too lonely."

Phil smiled back and let out a relieved sigh.

"That's good. My mum really likes you, you know? Well, not like that, but she really wanted you to stay for dinner." Phil said, "Why couldn't you though?"

I shrugged. "I just needed to get back home as soon as possible; I forgot to tell my mum I was at yours, she might have a panic attack or something."

"Oh, I see..." Phil nodded.

A few minutes later we finally arrived in front of my house. I turned to Phil and sighed. "Alright, so this is where we part ways. You didn't really have to, but thanks anyway for walking me here, Phil."

Phil smiled sweetly. "No problem, I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't get stabbed on your way back."

"Yeah, thanks," I chuckled out, "we should hang out more often. It was really fun, I had a great time."

I suddenly blushed when I realised that I made it sound like we just had our first date.

"We should," Phil simply agreed, "and again, I'm sorry about my brother and Cornelia bombarding in all of the sudden."

"No, that was fine. They were nice, they were fun."

Phil stared down at his feet and pursed his lips. "I guess…" he mumbled.

Phil suddenly snapped his head up and examined my house, "Your house is really nice."

I stared at my house and shrugged.

"Yeah, my mum maintains the house really well. We should hang out here sometime." I turned to Phil with a smirk, "Tomorrow, maybe?"

Phil looked at me with both of his eyebrows raised in surprise. "Tomorrow? You sure your parents wouldn't mind?"

"My mum and dad are going to a holiday in India tomorrow; it's their anniversary. We'll have the entire place to ourselves." I smiled reassuringly, "So that means no one's going to bombard on us."

Phil shyly smiled. "O-Okay, why not?"

"Yay!" I quietly squealed, "We could play Crash Bandicoot, DDR and watch movies! It'll be fun, I swear."

"Sounds great." Phil chuckled.

"So I'll see you tomorrow then?"

Phil nodded. "Yeah."

"I'll text you after school, alright?" I said as I went up to the door, "Bye Phil, don't get shot."

"Bye." Phil chuckled and waved before walking away into the neighborhood.

I closed the door behind me and leaned back on it. I quickly scrambled to the nearest window and pulled the curtains slightly to see Phil walking away with his head down and his hands in his pocket. I felt like I should've given him at least a hug good bye…

Still looking out the window, I suddenly witnessed Phil trip on a step on the pavement. He fell down then quickly stood up and brushed himself like nothing happened. I let out a small giggle as he looked around frantically and made sure no one saw what just happened.

He suddenly made eye contact with me and there, I quickly realised that I was just staring at him through a window and how creepy that seemed in Phil's point of view.

My face went bright red as I moved away from the window, slightly embarrassed by the fact that Phil caught me staring lovingly at him. Was I staring lovingly at him? I was just watching him walk away; it wasn't like it meant anything.

"There you are Dan, why are you home late?" someone suddenly asked me from behind.

I turned around and saw my mum stood there with her arms crossed. "Where have you been?"

I shrugged at her question and simply said, "Out."

She raised her finger and pointed it at me, smirking a little behind her angry expression. "Why are you blushing?"

I lifted a hand and rubbed the side of my cheek, feeling the heat beneath them. "I-I don't know…"  
  
  
***~*~*~*~*~***  
  
  
I plopped myself on my small bed and let out a heavy sigh. After eating dinner and explaining to my parents why I was home late, I just needed to lie down for a bit and relax.

Today was a fun and long day. I really had fun at Phil's place, it was probably the most fun I've ever been in a while, and I was quite excited for Phil to hang out in here.

I could show him my room, my DVD and video game collection. I could show off my Guitar Hero skills and maybe impress him with my ability to play piano (even though I was quite shit at it, I hope he would still be impressed). I didn't even know why I was stressing myself out on how to impress Phil. Me and Phil are just going to hang out, have fun and have a bit of bonding time in the house, that was it…and we would be alone…together…in the house…who knows what could happen between us?

I quickly shook off that thought, my stomach suddenly feeling a bit weird. I reached out and grabbed a pillow, hugging it afterwards. Why was I even thinking like that? I wasn't supposed to be thinking stuff like that. Phil was my friend and that was that. In fact, we've only known each other for a couple of days and yet it seemed like he was my best friend already. Which was nice, at least I wouldn't be alone anymore.

I smiled at that thought as I felt both my eyelids close. I didn't realise how tired I was (even though I had a short nap at Phil's).

_I can't wait until tomorrow. It's going to be a fun day, I know it. I can feel it._  
  
  
***~*~*~*~*~***

"Over here, Danny-bear!" I heard Jill call out from a table as I walked around aimlessly in the canteen.

I nodded at her and followed her hand motions. She pulled out the chair next to her and patted on the seat, gesturing me to sit over there. I smiled at her offer and promptly sat down, setting my tray on the table.

"How are you, Dan?" she asked as she leaned up and sloppily pecked my cheek. I darted my eyes around the table and saw some of her friends giving me few reassuring smiles, like they all felt bad for me for enduring all of this just because Jill just wanted to win Scott back.

"I'm good," I said as I rearranged myself from my seat, scooting a bit farther away from Jill without her noticing and a bit closer to Chris, who was one of my only friends in the group. We both bonded over our slight hatred for Jill, which made everything a bit less lonely, "you?"

"Well, you wouldn't believe who called me fat behind my back today. Guess who?" she stared at me as if she actually wanted me to guess who. I shrugged at her.

"It was Claire, that bitch!" she exclaimed, "and to think that she was one of my best friends! Why would she even do that? That backstabbing whore…"

I stared blankly at my food and constantly poked it with my fork as I listened to Jill's never ending story about how much of a bitch that girl, Claire, was. Jill was always like this, and I began to wonder why I fancied her in the first place. Was it because she was pretty? Maybe. But was that it? I fancied Jill because she was pretty? I never realised how shallow I was.

But I knew I wasn't that shallow, there must be some other reason why I liked Jill. I just didn't know what it was yet.

My thoughts were interrupted when someone familiar suddenly walked pass our table. I looked up and saw Phil, who was looking around the canteen for a seat.

I looked around my table and saw one vacant seat across from mine. I stared back up and thought about calling him and letting him sit in our table.

I was about to call him when someone else on another table held their hand up and called him.

"Phil! Over here!" the guy with dark curly hair said.

I looked back up at Phil and saw him smile at the guy as he walked to him and sat on the seat next to the guy. The curly haired guy smiled back at Phil as he patted his back, and I suddenly felt uneasy seeing that.

Was I jealous? I shouldn't be, Phil was allowed to have other friends too, and I knew that.

But I couldn't help but feel the need to stand up, drag Phil away from that guy and let him sit in _my_ table.

"Danny? Are you even listening?" Jill suddenly asked me, snapping me out of my trance.

I quickly turned to her. "I-I'm sorry, what was that?"

She rolled her eyes as she took a sip from her drink. "Chris said he's throwing a house party tomorrow. You want to come?"

I turned my attention to Chris with an eyebrow raised. "You're throwing a party?"

"Yeah, it's going to be epic. Why don't you come?" Chris said, smiling at me.

"Okay sure, why not?" I chuckled, "but wait, can I invite someone to come too?"

Chris shrugged. "Sure, who?"

"Just my friend, Phil, he's kind of new and I wanted him to like, make friends and stuff…" I nervously said.

"Is Phil that guy you were with last Friday?" Jill asked. I turned back to her and nodded. "Well he seems kind of cool anyway, so why not?"

Jill turned away and continued her conversation with her friend. I suddenly felt Chris nudge my shoulder.

"Is Phil that guy you were staring at on the other table?" Chris asked quietly.

I looked at him with my mouth dropped slightly, as if I was about to deny what he just said. Chris just smirked at me.

"Oh Dan, I didn't know you swing that way." He joked and my face went red.

"I don't." I sternly said, despite my burning cheeks, "He's my friend and I just want him to have a good time."

"Oookay then…" Chris playfully rolled his eyes, "whatever you say."

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another re polished chapter!! :D and again, thank you guys so much for the kudos and nice comments ^_^

"And that's all for today, class." Mr. Flare finished up as the bell rang and everyone in the room started to pack up and leave, "Remember to do your homework."

I put away all of my things inside my bag and turned around my seat to see Phil doing the same. His head was down low as he packed away all of his books.

"Hey," I knocked on his desk to get his attention. He looked up at me and I smiled at him, "ready to go?"

Phil smiled back and zipped up his bag. "Yeah, just a sec."

He picked up a box of colored pencils that were left on his desk and scanned the room. He then held his hand up and shouted, "Peej!"

The same curly haired guy from before stood up from his seat, slung his bag over his shoulder and walked over to Phil's desk. Phil handed him the colored pencils, wearing a sweet smile, "Thanks for these."

The curly haired guy ginned as he took the box from Phil's hands. "You're welcome. If you need them again, you could always ask, okay?"

Phil nodded. "Thanks, but I'll probably buy my own. I don't want to use up all of yours."

"Yeah okay," the curly haired guy chuckled, "I'll be on my way now. See you tomorrow, Phil."

"See yah." Phil said as he watched the guy walk out of the room. And I couldn't help but feel a tad bit jealous.

"So…" I said, breaking the slightly awkward silence of just watching the guy walk away, "who was that?"

Phil snapped his head away from the door and turned to me. "Oh, that's PJ. I met him in Art Class today. I didn't bring any coloring materials so I had to embarrassingly ask him if I could borrow some. Luckily, he was really nice and he lent me his extra box of colored pencils."

I nodded my head along and tried to hide the fact that I was feeling a bit jealous. I didn't want Phil to replace me already, we just met. Hopefully, our trip to my house would redeem my friendship with him.

"Well," I stood up and swung my bag over my back, "ready to head to my place?"

Phil's face suddenly lit up as he stood up from his seat and grabbed his bag. "Yeah!"

I smiled at his enthusiasm then we both walked out of the door.

"Oh by the way, my friend, Chris, is having a house party tomorrow. Want to go?" I suddenly asked him as we walked down the corridor.

"Me? Party? I don't think those two things really go together." he awkwardly chuckled out as he stared down at the floor, still walking.

"No, I'm serious," I turned to him with a more sincere look, "you should go. C'mon, it'll be fun."

To be quite honest, I just wanted him to come so I wouldn't be alone and I'll actually have someone to talk to there.

Phil looked at me for a second before he finally considered. "Yeah, okay. Sure, but I don't think I have anything nice to wear."

"No problem, we'll go to town today!" I gleamed at him, "Let's go buy you some good clothes, yeah? You could also buy your own box of colored pencils while we're there. And then we could go to mine afterwards, sounds good?"

"Yeah…" Phil began to lighten up, "yeah! Why not?"  
  
  
 ***~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**

I took out my phone and checked the time. It was almost five when we entered the sixth clothing store; nothing seemed to catch Phil's fancy. Everything was either too expensive or too cringey, which I didn't really blame him, some things were a bit cringey. But we were entering Topman, so hopefully Phil _would_ buy something this time.

"These are all a bit too pricey, don't you think?" Phil asked as he browsed through a rack of clothes.

"That's what you said in the last five stores we went," I said as I approached him and examined the rack of clothes he was browsing through, "I think everything is pricey, unless you want to go to a thrift shop, if that's what you're trying to say."

"Nah, I'm good…" Phil sighed as he moved to another rack of clothes, "I just need to pick one that's worth the money."

"Okay then…" I shrugged at him. I examined the rack and found a particular clothing that I thought would suit Phil.

"Hey Phil," I called him and I brought out the shirt. He turned to me and I held up a simple blue plaid, "what about this? It's pretty simple, it's not that pricey, it's not that cringey and I think it'll suit you well."

He went over to me with a chuckle, took the shirt from my hands and examined it. "You think?"

"Yeah I mean, the blue brings out your eyes, and the black matches your hair, it also contrasts well with your pale skin." I simply said, and blushed a bit when I suddenly realised what I just said. Phil looked up at me and simply giggled.

"Err, sorry," I quickly apologised, even though I didn't even know what I was apologizing for, "yeah, but no, it _will_ suit you."

Phil looked back at the shirt and slowly nodded at it. "Yeah, okay. If you say so, I trust you."

I smiled at him as he slid the hanger out of the shirt. "I'm just going to see if it fits. I'll be back; you could just stay here and browse through some shirts if you're thinking of buying one too."

"Alright then," I told him as he made his was around the store and shyly approached the nicest looking shop assistant.

"Excuse me ma'am, but where's the dressing room?" I heard him ask. She turned around and smiled at him.

"Over here," she said as she walked across the store and showed him the room.

I watched them from a distance as Phil entered the room and came back out a few minutes later, wearing the blue plaid shirt and checked himself out on the mirror right outside the dressing room. I smiled to myself; he looked really good in the shirt. Even if it was just a simple plaid shirt, he looked gorgeous, and I couldn't stop staring at him.

I quickly looked away once I noticed that I've been staring for quite awhile now, I really needed to stop staring at him like that. I reproached the rack of clothes and pretended that I was busy browsing through them to make it seem like I've been looking at clothes the entire time as he changed into his shirt.

"It fits perfectly!" Phil enthusiastically said as he walked towards me. I turned around and saw him holding the shirt in his hands; he had already changed back into his normal uniform.

I smiled brightly at him and asked, "Is that all you're going to buy then?"

He shrugged. "I guess so. I mean, I only need one and this is good enough. Plus, I don't much money on me today."

"Alright then, c'mon." I gestured him to follow me and we both walked to the cashier.

"You know…" Phil suddenly started while we were half way to the cashier, "I could be a fashion expert as well, like you."

I turned to him with a smile and shook my head in both confusion and amusement. "Wait, what? I'm not a fashion expert."

Phil looked at me and grinned, his tongue poking out in the corner of his mouth.

"Well the way you describe the shirt and how you knew it was going to suit me made it seem like you were such a fashion expert," Phil said, "I could be a fashion expert, you should get that shirt over there."

Phil pointed out the shirt that the mannequin we walked pass by wore. It was a white button up shirt with short sleeves and had small moths printed all over it as the design. I turned back to him and laughed.

"You know, that's kind of ironic since I'm afraid of moths." I said smiling.

"Really? Well that's another fun fact." Phil giggled as we finally approached the cashier.

I looked back at the moth covered shirt.

_I would probably still get it though._

After we paid for the shirt and promptly left the store, I glanced at my phone. It was still kind of early, so I suggested we go around the shopping centre for a bit. Phil happily agreed and our first stop was an anime and video game store, which me and Phil hyperventilated at. It made me really happy inside to know that Phil also loved anime and video games, which were probably the only things that were important in my life right now.

I dramatically gasped as I approached something that was probably the coolest and cutest thing that has ever existed.

"Oh my god, Phil look!" I squealed as I gestured Phil over, took the Tonberry plushie and held it in my hands. I must've looked like a complete idiot fanboying over a plushie but I didn't really care at the moment, "it's a frikin' Tonberry plushie! Look how adorable it is!"

I showed it to Phil and he grinned at it. "Did you see how much was it?"

I examined the plushie and found the price tag attached to the tail, quickly frowning as I saw the price.

"Oh… it's a bit expensive," I sadly said as I slowly and miserably returned the plushie back to its shelf. I turned to Phil and playfully pouted at him. He playfully pouted back and I chuckled as I turned back to the Tonberry plushie on the shelf, "I'm putting that at the very top of my Christmas wish list, though."

"Dan, it's still in the middle of the year, you're not allowed to say the 'C' word yet." Phil teasingly scolded. I giggled at him.

"Sorry," I smiled, "but it would be nice to get this for Christmas though, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah," Phil sighed, "yeah, it would."

As we moved away from the shelf and moved away from the subject of expensive plushies, we continued to look through the entire shop for something interesting that was not pricey. We split up for a bit to look through more stuff that we individually liked and something caught my eye. It was something wearable and it was something fluffy.

I hastily took it with a smile, wore the extra set it came in with and looked around the shop for Phil. Once I spotted him in the Death Note section, I tapped his shoulder and he turned around and giggled.

"What do you think?" I asked him as I showed him the big fluffy hat I was wearing and the fluffy paw gloves it came with.

"Very cute, Dan," Phil simply said in between his giggles, “you going to get that?"

"Of course I will! It's amazing and it doesn't really cost that much so why not?" I grinned as I took the hat and the fluffy gloves off and held it in my hands, "what about you? You getting anything?"

"Maybe a Death Note poster or that Alphonse Elric plush I saw earlier that was on sale," Phil said, "I don't really know, I'm still deciding."

"Take your time, Phil." I chuckled at him.

After several minutes of deciding, he finally decided to get the Alphonse plushie instead. We both paid for our stuff and happily left the shop. I took out my phone and checked the time again. I told him we had enough shopping and it was time to head to my house to hang out for a bit since it was getting a bit late. And with those words, my stomach boiled with excitement.

On our way out the shopping centre, we passed by an arcade place and at the very entrance of it stood a claw machine, which was surprising because it wasn't there the last time I came here.

"Hey that's new," I pointed at the claw machine. I've always loved one of those and I barely see one out in the open. I stopped walking and looked at Phil "can we try it out?"

Phil smiled at me and nodded, "Yeah, of course!"

I smiled brightly at him as I quickly approached the machine and searched my pockets for coins to slot in. I felt Phil's eyes on me as I found some change and slotted the coin it.

"Here we go," I whispered to myself as I moved the claw around and aimed for the Where The Wild Things Are plushie at the back of the machine. The claw stopped above it and I quickly pressed the "Grab" button. The claw lowered, grabbed the arm of the character and brought it up. I grinned at my own victory; I've never really won anything from claw machines. But then I suddenly frowned as the plushie's arm slipped from the claw's grasp and fell back down to its original place.

"So close!" I hissed as I turned to Phil and he gave me a sad smile, "Oh well, I guess that's that. It was a pretty good try though…"

"Let me try," Phil said in a soft tone as he approached the machine and slotted a coin in. I watched closely as he moved the claw and re aimed for the toy I tried to get. He pressed the "Grab" button and it instantly grabbed the torso of the plushie and brought it back up with no problem.

My jaw slowly dropped in awe as the machine smoothly brought the plushie to the drop off and released it there. I whipped my head to look at Phil with an extremely surprised expression. "Wha- how did you do that?!"

Phil chuckled at my expression then bent down to grab the toy from the drop off.

"Don't tell anyone but I'm secretly the world championship at getting toys from claw machines," he said as he brought the plushie back up with him and smiled at me, "I actually competed in the Olympics and won 3 golden medals."

I rolled my eyes at him and giggled at his statement. "Well, that explains a lot then."

I was about to congratulate Phil on getting the plushie when he suddenly handed it to me with a smirk, "Here."

I looked down at the toy and looked back up at Phil, then down again on the toy and back up at Phil until I finally realised what he was trying to tell me. "W-Wait no, Phil. _You_ won it, so _you_ get to keep it. It's only fair that way."

"No, I won it for _you_ , so _you_ get to keep it," Phil said, "you were devastated when you found out the Tonberry plushie was expensive so why not give you something else instead, it's better than nothing."

"But Phil-"

"C'mon, it's yours, I insist."

It took me a moment before I sighed and gave up the fight as I slowly took the toy from Phil's hand, looking at it for a second before a smile finally made its way back up my face. I looked back up at Phil and he gave me a sweet smile, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I didn't know why I felt like that but whatever the reason was, I didn't really care. It felt nice; I've never felt like this before.

"Thanks," I whispered to him as I smiled back and tried to hide the blush on my face.

"'Welcome…" Phil simply said as he stared at the ground and looked back up, his face was also quite red, "so… your place?"

My eyes widened as I looked outside, it was looking a little dark already. How long have we been here? "Y-Yeah, c'mon!"  
  
  
 ***~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**

"Wow, it got dark really fast…" I said as we exited the shopping centre and walked down the street as I clutched tightly on the Where The Wild Things Are plushie in my hand, "how long have we been playing in there?"

"I don't know but it didn't feel that long, though," Phil said as we turned to a corner in the street and saw the Manchester Eye in front of us. We both looked up at the wheel in awe as we continued to walk.

"Whoa, is that the Manchester Eye?" Phil asked.

"Yup, it looks kind of scary up close like it's about to fall and crush us all." I joked.

"Have you even been on it?"

I shook my head. "Not yet. I didn't really have the time to go on it and no one would really invite me to go. I want to, though."

Phil turned to me with a smile. "Why don't we go then?"

"Really?" I chuckled at him, "Us?"

"Yeah! Why not? I mean, obviously not today, I don't have any money on me anymore but we should really go on it one day!" Phil gleamed, "C'mon Dan, it would be really cool, what do say?"

I thought about it for a little bit before considering it. "Yeah, alright then. When?"

Phil looked back up at the wheel and shrugged. "I don't know but one day. We'll go on it before the year ends, I promise."

I smiled at him. "Okay then, you promised."

Phil happily nodded as we turned into another corner and continued to walk back home. I looked up at the clouds and the sky suddenly thundered.

_I guess that explains why it was so dark, it was about to rain, typical UK weather._

"Looks like it's about rain…" Phil pointed out the obvious.

"I guess it is."

"We better hurry then before we get caught in the rain." Phil said, walking a little faster now.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter! Btw, this one's kind of long so you may wanna bring a snack or somethin idk but I hope you guys like it! Thank you guys so much for the kudos and the nice comments! ^_^

"It looks like the rain's about to fall any minute now…" I repeated as I stuffed the Where The Wild Things Are plushie in my bag, still walking around the neighborhood to my house and flinching a bit when the sky suddenly thundered again.

Phil looked up at the gray sky for a moment and then turned to me, smirking. "'Wanna race to your house then?"

I zipped up my bag and turned to him with a scoff. "Yeah right, I'd rather get soaked in the rain than cough up my lungs and die."

Phil chuckled at my statement and shrugged. "Alright then,"

The sky suddenly thundered again, a lot louder this time. I looked back up at the gray sky and looked around the neighborhood, spotting my house a few blocks away. I looked at Phil, then at my house from afar, then back at Phil and then back at the house.  
  
I bit my lip and thought about considering Phil's racing offer but before I could even fully consider it, my feet suddenly sprung to life and I started sprinting across the neighborhood before my brain could even process anything. I heard Phil's surprised yelp from behind and then also heard his increasing footsteps a split second later.

I smirked to myself as I rapidly moved my feet, ignoring the very few people that littered around the streets. My bag bounced against my back, my heart pounded rapidly and my breath became shorter and shorter by the second. I was ridiculously unfit, why did I even consider this?

When we finally arrived in front of the house, I quickly run up the front, not at all caring if I was out of breath, and slammed my hands on the front door, stopping myself and balancing my stance. I gasped to catch my breath and turned around to see Phil slowing down and stopping behind me.

"I win," I said in between breaths.

"Congratulations." Phil breathed out. He placed both his hands on his knees and leaned forward to steady his own breathing as he slowly walked up to the door.

"Oh god, why did we even _do_ that? I'm literally dying…" I said, laughing a bit at the end.

"Honestly, I don't know," Phil tiredly chuckled, "god, I'm so unfit…"

I nodded at his statement, "Same…"

At the _exact_ moment when Phil leaned his back on the door, the rain finally came and poured down. It was like he just leaned on the 'rain' button. Luckily, we were being covered by the shade on the front porch.

We just stared at the rain covered neighborhood for a few minutes as we caught our breaths and listened to the sound of heavy raindrops splashing across the pavement. I looked at Phil and we both stared at each other for a few seconds before breaking into a fit of laughter. I guess it was a good idea to race back; we'd be completely soaked in the rain if we'd walk all the way here.

"We got back _just_ in time, huh?" I asked in between laughs and Phil simply nodded, still giggling a bit.

After we both finally caught our own breaths, which surprisingly didn't take a billion years, I lifted myself off the door and turned around to open it. I fumbled with my keys in my pocket, brought it out and unlocked the door. "We better get inside."

"Yeah," Phil simply breathed out as he stood up properly.

I swung the door open and quickly gestured Phil in. We walked into the lounge and dropped both our bags on the sofa. "You should sit down; I'll go get us something to drink."

Phil breathed out a quick 'thank you' before he dropped down and sat on the sofa, sulking himself in the cushions. I smiled at him before walking off into the kitchen.

"What would you like to drink?" I asked from the kitchen, hopefully loud enough.

"Just water would be nice, thanks." I heard Phil shout from the lounge and I quickly grabbed two tall glasses and filled them up with tap water.

I walked back into the lounge, with two pints of water in hand, and saw Phil crouched down in front of a small shelf filled with picture frames.

"Uh, hey." I called out.

Phil turned around and I lifted both pints of water, showing him that I have our drinks. He simply smiled at me.

"Oh hey, I hope you don't mind that I…" he trailed off as he gestured towards the picture frames in front of him.

"Not at all," I reassured as I approached him and handed him his drink.

Phil nodded 'thanks' as he grabbed his glass and turned back to the shelves. "Who's this little 'fella right here?"

I crouched down next to him and looked at the person in the picture he was pointing at. It was a picture of me and Alex in front of a castle in Windsor, and Phil was pointing at Alex. "That's my little brother, Alex."

Phil then looked at me with an eyebrow raised. "You have a little brother?"

I nodded at him.

"Where is he?"

"He's in a school camping trip; he'll be back in like two days."

"Oh, I see," Phil turned back to the picture, "how old is he?"

"About ten."

"Ah," Phil took a sip from his glass, "I hope this storm doesn't reach to wherever they're camping at."

"They're camping somewhere far from Manchester, so probably not."

Phil nodded his head along. "He looks _just_ like you."

I turned to him with a smirk. "You think so?"

Phil looked at me and gave me a kind of lopsided smile.

"Mh-hm," he simply hummed in agreement.

Phil's eyes darted from my eyes to my nose and then to my lips, which made me gulp hard as I felt my heart thump a little faster. Our faces were literally a few centimeters away from each other. But then I realised that his eyes continued to dart around my entire face, studying every single feature, every single freckle that I had. It was like he was double checking to see if I _do_ look like Alex. My face was probably as red as it could get at this point, and I think Phil noticed that as well because when our eyes met again, he quickly looked away and took a big gulp of water.

I looked down at my own drink, realised that I haven't even drunk anything yet, then brought it up to my lips and drank half of the pint. I licked the remains of water on my lips and nervously tapped my fingers on the glass.

"So…" I finally said after a prolonged time of awkward silence. I cleared my throat as I turned back to him, seeing him looking down at his half empty glass and biting his lower lip, "videogames?"

His face lit up again as he looked back up at me with a wide grin. "Yeah!"

**  
*~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
I looked out the window as the sky gave out another loud thunder, it seemed like this storm wasn't going to stop. I looked away from the window and continued to unravel the DDR mat in my hands, laying it down afterwards on the floor in front of the television as Phil watched from the sofa.

After playing a few levels of Crash Bandicoot, Portal 2 and a few rounds of Guitar Hero, it was time to play something a bit more physically exhausting (even though we had sprinted across the neighborhood earlier and coughed up our internal organs).

"Alright," I enthusiastically said as I completely set the game up, "who's going first?"

Phil shrugged from his seat then slowly stood up. "May I?"

I playfully bowed down and gracefully motioned him towards the mat. "You may."

I looked back up and saw Phil shaking his head in amusement as he approached the mat. I sat down on the sofa and watched as Phil picked a song and got ready for it. When the arrows appeared on the screen, Phil started to spazz out into the mat and tried his best to hit every single arrow on the screen, but only failing miserably (and kind of adorably).

"When is this song going to end?!" Phil yelped as he continued to randomly step on the mat. And I laughed at his question.

"Phil, you're not even half way through the song yet," I said as I finished my pint of water that was just sort of sitting there for a few hours now.

"What?!" Phil exclaimed loudly as he hit a few arrows and missed a bunch of them on the screen, "Oh god, my legs are aching. This song is _way_ too hard!"

"Need any help?" I chuckled out, "you could just step off the mat and I could finish it for you."

Phil tore his attention away from the screen and looked back at me, giving out an exhausted laugh. "Yeah okay, go ahead. See if _you_ could do it."

I promptly stood up from the sofa and approached Phil. He stepped off the mat and I quickly jumped on it, and practically hit on every arrow that passed by, getting combos and the score multiplying rapidly. I bit my lip in concentration as I continued to step on the arrows and continued until the song finished, it _was_ a long song.

Phil remained surprisingly quiet the entire round, although I heard quiet and occasionally trailed off 'whoa's from him.

As the song began to end, I slammed my foot on the last arrow and turned to Phil. His jaw was completely dropped. "Whoa, how did you do _that_?!"

"Impressive, yeah?" I asked. I was actually somewhat proud of my DDR skills; I have beaten every single one of my friends whenever we would go to an arcade game. I've also actually competed with Jill in DDR, she said she was really good at it and I challenged her. And when I defeated her, she threw a hissy fit on how her side was broken and whatnot.

" _Quite_ ," Phil simply said, "your feet were all over the place! You were like frikin' Beyonce!"

I laughed at his statement and pretended to bow down gracefully. "Why thank you."

Phil dropped himself on the couch and let out an exasperated sigh. "Okay, well that was kind of tiring. Can we take a break and just watch a movie or something?"

I slumped down next to him and put both my feet up the coffee table. "Yeah sure, what do you want to watch?"

"What do you have?"

I looked around and simply pointed at the shelf filled with DVDs. "Over there."

Phil stood up, walked to the shelf and scanned it. After a few minutes of scanning, Phil finally brought out a DVD and showed it to me first. "Can we watch this? I haven't seen this yet."

I merely shrugged at his choice of movie. "Sure, I haven't seen that one either, even though it's been on the shelf for several months now."

Phil grinned at me before he strolled to the DVD player and inserted the movie 'WALL-E'.

  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

**  
(Author’s Note- WARNING: WALL-E SPOILERS AHEAD)**

"No…" I heard Phil whisper as we watched the scene where Eve finished repairing Wall-e, "h-he can't forget…"

I remained completely silent as I clutched tightly at a pillow, trying to desperately hold my tears in. I was usually the one who cries or gets scared easily at films, not because I was a pansy or a wuss or anything; it was because I get really into them, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

I couldn't hold back anymore, tears started to steam down my face and I quickly hid under my pillow to sniffle, also wiping my tears in the process. I lifted my head up from the pillow and took a glimpse of Phil at the other end of the sofa. He brought his knees up closer to his chest and hugged them tightly as a silent tear rolled down his cheek; I guess I wasn't the only one who got into movies like this. I set my eyes back to the screen and continued to watch the movie.

After we watched the scene where Wall-e suddenly remembered everything again, I let out a huge relieved sigh, "Thank god."

Phil chuckled as he wiped his tears away, "I'm glad they didn't end it there."

"That would suck so badly," I added as we watched the credits roll, "so what do you think of the movie? Good?"

"Really good!" Phil turned to me and enthusiastically held two thumbs up, "I give four starts out of five. What about you? You like it?"

"I'd say I like it. I mean, I cried so," I shrugged at him, "yeah, it was good."

"Yeah, but I have something that bothered me throughout the whole movie though," Phil said suddenly said.

"Okay? What it is?"

"Wall-e's a robot, yeah?" I looked at him and nodded.

"Well, aren't robots supposed to not have emotions?" Phil pointed out, "Why does Wall-e _have_ emotions? Like- he could be happy, sad, heart broken and he even fell in love. I mean, what's the scientific explanation for _that_?"

I raised my eyebrow at his question. _He's got a point._

"Okay, well technically, I'd say it's because it's just a movie, but let's think about this rationally," I said as I shifted myself from my seat, "when humans abandoned earth and left a bunch of Wall-e's to clean up the mess, it was the year 2105, so people probably had enough time to make highly advanced motherboards or something. And maybe Wall-e gained human-like emotions when he was left alone by himself after several other Wall-e's died and fascinated himself with several 'human artifacts'."

Phil nodded along to my explanation but then furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "That…doesn't make any sense, Dan."

I scoffed at him and playfully rolled my eyes. "You know what? I have no idea; it's just a movie, okay? Don't question it."

"Alright then," Phil smiled, "but it just kept bothering me that he's a robot and he fell in love."

I turned to him with an arched eyebrow. "Why does that kept bothering you?"

Phil hugged his knees tightly and looked down. "My umm, friend back at home said that love doesn't exist. That love is just something humans made up as an excuse to 'repopulate the earth'. Saying that you 'love' someone basically means that you just want to have sex with them or something…" he said in a small voice, his cheeks turning pink, "if love is just a thing humans made up for themselves then why did Wall-e fall in love? He's not even human."

"Wait- what?" I stopped him, "your _friend_ said that love is just an excuse that humans made up so they could have sex with people?"

Phil looked up from his knees and nodded. My jaw slowly dropped in disbelief.

"And you believed him?"

"No, of course not. Well, I almost did back then…" Phil admitted, "I mean, he was a very science-y person and almost everything he said was true."

"Okay- right, I'm just going to mindlessly point out the flaws in that 'theory'," I said sassily, "First of all, we're not animals. Just because we're attracted to one person, doesn't automatically mean we want to have sex with them. And second of all, there are different kinds of love. Like I said last week, there's parental love, brotherly, sisterly, platonic kind of love and a bunch more. So if your mum says that she loves you, she wants to have sex with you? Is that what that means? Obviously not. If it is… then get the fuck away from your mum."

Phil lightly chuckled at my statement.

"You see? For a science-y and smart type of person, your friend is incredibly wrong about that," I finished as I rested both my feet on the coffee table.

"He was kind of an asshole, actually, so I guess that explains that." Phil casually said as he unraveled his arms from his knees and brought them down to sit properly on the sofa, "I don't know why I was friends with him to be honest…"

Phil stared at the credits rolling, awkward silence filling in the room again.

"You know… I'm kind of a science-y person too, but I guess I just don't see love that way. I mean, I don't really understand human emotion itself so," I shrugged, "I just leave it to what it is. Whatever it is, I mean."

"Yeah, okay…" Phil quietly said as he bit his lip and turned back to the screen.

I mindlessly stared at the tv screen and watched the credits roll. I listened to the soundtrack and thought about what Phil said, or rather what Phil's friend said. It made me wonder a lot of things. What _is_ love? Is it an emotion? Is it a chemical reaction? Does it actually exist? If it does, then how would you know if you love someone (or something)? How do you fall in love? How would you know if you've fallen in love? So many unanswered questions filled my head.

I was pulled away from my thoughts when my phone suddenly rang, a Final Fantasy VII soundtrack emitting from my phone as the ring tone. I quickly stretched out and reached for my phone on the coffee table.

" ** _Mum_** _is calling"_

"Dan?" Phil suddenly said.

I stared away from the phone and turned to Phil. "Yeah?"

"Sorry, but can I use the toilet? I need to wee." Phil shyly said as he twiddled his thumbs.

I chuckled quietly at Phil. "Yeah of course, up the stairs and first door to the left."

Phil nodded thanks then quickly got off the sofa and sped walked into the bathroom.

As Phil left the room, I quickly unlocked the phone and answered it. "Hello?"

" _Dan? It's your mum. We just landed in India and we wanted to check on you."_

I grabbed the remote and let on a random television program. "Yeah, I'm fine."

" _We called Aunt Olivia and she said it's storming there in Manchester. Are the windows all closed? Is the ceiling leaking?"_

"Yeah, all windows close and no, as far as I know, the ceiling isn't leaking."

" _Are you sure? Because the ceiling in the kitchen leaked in the last storm."_

"We already got the ceiling fixed, remember? It's not leaking anymore." I huffed in annoyance.

" _Oh right…"_ I heard my mum breath out, _"but are you sure?"_

"Yes," I groaned slightly in frustration, "yes, I'm sure."

And then I suddenly head Phil yelp in the hallway. Okay, what happened this time? "Hang on, mum."

I covered the phone's mic and yelled "Phil? You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

" _Dan? Who was that? Your brother?"_ my mum suddenly asked from the phone.

I brought the phone back up against my ear. "Err, no. Alex's still at camp, I-I brought someone home, if that's okay."

" _Daniel, if you brought your girlfriend home to do your 'business' with her while we're away. I swear, when we get back home, we're going to-"_

"No!" I quickly shouted, a bit too loud, "N-No, he's just- it's just a friend, mum. I just thought we could hang out for a bit. I think he'll leave in a few minutes, it's getting pretty late."

" _Oh okay. Well, we just wanted to check up on you. Make sure to eat your dinner, okay?"_

"Okay,"

" _Bye, Dan."_ and with those words, my mum hung up.

I sighed and stared at my phone as Phil came in the room and sat back down next to me, bringing his knees up with him. "Who was that?"

"Just my mum," I said as I turned to him and shyly smiled, "she just wanted to check on me, huge storm and all."

"Ah, I see…" Phil awkwardly tapped his fingers on his knees, "I love your ring tone by the way. What other songs do you have on your phone?"

I raised both my eyebrows in curiosity and scrolled through a bunch of songs in my phone. "Umm, let's see. There's Muse, My Chemical Romance, some Radiohead and then Kanye West." I laughed a bit at the end.

"Wha- where did Kanye West come from?" Phil said, laughing with me.

"Oy- hey, hey. I like Kanye West, okay?" I said, still giggling a bit, "he might not be the best person in the world but you got to admit, his music is pretty good."

Phil just rolled his eyes at me and sighed in defeat. "Yeah, okay."

I shook my head at him and continued to scroll down my phone, passing some Fall Out Boy and Beyonce.

"Hey, we should like, play a mini game where you put your music in random and whatever song comes up will predict your future or say something about your life." Phil suddenly said.

I looked at him and gave him a confused look. "What?"

"Well you know like -for example, I'll put my music in random and the song that comes up next will happen to me this Christmas," Phil said as he grabbed his phone and put his music in random, "it's Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood."

I looked up at Phil and wiggled my eyebrows suggestively at him in a playful manner. Phil just stared at his phone blankly as the music played, his face turning a bright red.

"Umm, yeah okay. Like that's ever going to happen to me in Christmas but according to this, it _will_ happen," Phil said chuckling nervously, "totally looking forward to that then."

I just rolled my eyes at him playfully. "Okay, I think I got it. So, I'm just going to put my music in random?"

"Yeah, and the song that comes up next describes your birth!" Phil said enthusiastically.

I chuckled and shook my head at him in amusement as I put on the next song on random. "Out of _all_ the things you could've picked, you picked _birth_?"

He raised his shoulders up and shrugged. "I don't know. Now c'mon, what came up?"

"It's Bring Me To Life by Evanescence," I said smiling, "pretty accurate, wouldn't you say?"

"Yup, I think so," Phil nodded his head along, "okay, the next song will describe your death."

"My _death_? Oh god," I said as I put on the next song, "it's All Of The Lights by Kanye West."

"What does that mean? You died then went to heaven or something?"

"Yeah, I doubt that would ever happen. I think I'd most likely end up in hell," I said with a chuckle then turned to Phil, "what about you? The next song you put on random on your phone describes _your_ birth."

Phil looked down on his phone and played the next randomized song. "It's Uprising by Muse."

"Hmm… seems a bit fitting, doesn't it?"

"Kind of, yeah," Phil nodded.

"Okay, now what about your death?"

Phil looked down and played the next song. "It's Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance."

"Ooh, good one," I smiled, "now _that_ would make sense."

"I wish I'd be jamming to MCR when I die," Phil chuckled, "hopefully I won't die soon, though."

"Yeah, that would really suck," I said halfheartedly as I yawned and stretched out my limbs.

"Okay, bonus round. The next song I'm going to play in random describes my future wife," Phil said merrily said as he played the next random song.

_Future wife. I guess he_ is _straight._

"Aww, this is nice," Phil suddenly said.

"What is it?"

"It's Holding My Thoughts In My Heart," Phil smiled brightly.

"Aww," I awed with him as I shifted myself from my seat, "so I'm guessing your future wife likes Final Fantasy then?"

"I'd like to think so," Phil shrugged, "I love this song. It's very calm and soothing…"

Phil let the soundtrack play for a while as he slowly swayed from left to right, listening to the soothing tune with a soft smile plastered onto his face. I smiled at him and I tapped my fingers to the tune of the music. It was like the whole world stopped for a moment as we both listened to the soft melody of the Final Fantasy VII soundtrack.

Phil eyes suddenly lit up once he saw the piano in the corner of the room. "You have a piano?!"

I looked at the piano and nodded at him. "Oh yeah, I didn't realise they moved it there."

"Can you play?"

"I- err, well yeah, kind of," I stuttered and Phil's face lit up even more, "I used to take piano lessons and I was pretty shit at it."

"Well, can you at least play a few songs on it?" Phil asked me with a small glint in his eyes.

"Yeah, I guess I can," I said as I stood up, tucked my phone in my pocket, approached the piano and sat in front of it, "I can play classical music like Moonlight Sonata and Fur Elise."

I prepared myself and pressed the keys on the (kind of broken) piano, playing a bit of the beginning of Moonlight Sonata and then following Fur Elise.

"What else can you play?" Phil asked from the sofa. I turned to him and shrugged.

"I can play the Pyramid Song by Radiohead," I said to him as I turned back to the piano and demonstrated it. "And a bit of Intermission by Panic! At The Disco," I also said, playing it after the Pyramid Song, my eyes glued to the piano's keys as I bit my lip in concentration.

After I embarrassingly pressed the wrong key during Intermission, I heard Phil's soft giggling behind me. I turned to him, shrugged and awkwardly chuckled with him, "Yeah, I'm still learning."

"That's okay," Phil said as his giggle died out, "what songs are you still learning how to play?"

"Hmm, let's see… I'm still learning how to play the beginning of Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance, Sunburn by Muse, The Landing from- oh!" I interrupted myself as I quickly turned back to the piano. I glanced back at Phil, who was looking a bit confused, and smirked at him.

"If you knew what my ring tone was and loved Holding My Thoughts In My Heart then you'll definitely know what this song is…" I said as I softly pressed the keys and played a soft melody, waiting for Phil's guess on what the song's name was.

I suddenly heard a small gasp behind me. "Interrupted by Fireworks?"

I smiled to myself and nodded, my eyes still glued to my finger's movements.

"Wow, I've always wanted to play that song in piano but I never really had the chance to, and no one would actually teach me how," Phil said, chuckling at the end of his sentence.

I stopped myself and turned around to face Phil who was slouched on the sofa. "Come sit here then," I scooted over and patted the big empty space next to me, "I'll teach you."

Phil raised an eyebrow. "Really?" he said as he hoisted himself up from the sofa.

"Yeah," I smiled and nodded, "I know how to play the whole song. Now c'mon, we can play it together or something."

Phil broke a huge grin on his face as he shyly walked over to me and sat on the empty space, his shoulder pressed up against mine since the rectangular stool was only meant for one person but I couldn't bother getting up and taking a chair from the dinning room. "Okay, so what do we do first?" Phil asked with a grin still attached to his face.

"Okay, well you press these four keys right here, like this," I demonstrated by softly pressing the keys over and over again in the same pattern as the song.

I looked at Phil and he nodded at me as I moved away from the keys so Phil could take over. "Okay, I think I got it," Phil said as he pressed the four keys in the same pattern over and over again.

"Alright, that's good," I smiled at him, "now after that, you play these keys," Phil moved his hand away from the piano as I showed him the next part of the song. I pressed another four keys over and over again in a pattern, "got it?"

I took away my hand from the keys and Phil placed his as he mimicked the melody earlier, "like this?"

"Yeah just like that," I nodded at him, "now while we're playing the song, I'll say 'switch' and you'll switch to that melody, okay?"

Phil smiled then nodded. "Okay,"

"Alright, now after that, you play _these_ keys," Phil moved his hand away, slightly brushing against mine, as I reached over and played a few more keys on the piano, repeating it so Phil could remember. "It's a bit more difficult but you can get it," I said as I drew my hand back so Phil could play the piano.

"Like this?" Phil asked as he pressed the keys repeatedly.

I smiled brightly at him. "Just like that. Wow, you're a fast learner."

Phil giggled, his tongue sticking out a bit. "Thanks."

"Okay, now show me what you've learned so far," I said as I backed up a bit and let Phil play.

He pressed the keys and played the all three melodies perfectly. He _is_ a fast learner, "Wow, that's perfect, Phil. Well done, I'm proud of you."

Phil shyly smiled at me as he drew his hands away from the keys. "So can we play?"

"Yeah okay," I agreed as I rearranged myself from my seat and lifted my right hand on the higher keys while Phil had both of his hands on the lower keys, "when I say go, you play the first part, and when I say switch, you switch into the next part of the song, and then so on. Got it?"

Phil nodded and took a deep breath to prepare himself. I began pressing the keys to the opening of the song. "Go," I softly said, hoping that Phil could actually hear that.

Thankfully, he heard the 'go' and started to play the first part of the song. He softly pressed the four keys and repeated them as I pressed the higher keys. I smiled as I listened to the beautiful melody we made together. We continued on playing the song, me whispering him to switch to the next part of the song a couple of times.

Phil suddenly pressed the wrong key and ended up ruining the entire tune but continued to play as if it never happened. I tried to stifle back my laugh as Phil pressed the wrong keys again, but we both ended up giggling at our mistakes. It was a nice moment.

After we both thought we had enough, we pulled our hands away from the piano and I turned to him with a huge smile, "That was really good. Good job, Phil."

"Thanks," Phil chuckled as he shifted himself from his uncomfortable seat, "you were great too by the way."

"Thank you Phil," I smiled, "we should practice that more, though. You should visit more often so I could give you piano lessons," I told him, "what do you say?"

Phil looked at me with both his eyebrows raised in surprised then slowly smiled. "I'd like that."

I smiled back at him then lifted my left hand to play a few random keys on the piano to fill in the awkward silence.

"So…is that the only song you know how to play from beginning to end?" Phil asked.

"Hmm…" I thought about it as I absent mindedly pressed a few more keys on the piano, "oh, well there's this song that I recently learned how to play from beginning to end."

"What is it?"

"I don't know if you've heard of it but its called Nature Boy," I said as I prepared myself to play the song, "it's by Nat King Cole and it's one of my favorite songs of all time."

I cleared my throat as I turned to Phil, who was waiting for me to play. "Umm, excuse my singing voice by the way…" I nervously chuckled as I began pressing the keys to the song.

" _There was a boy_

_A very strange, enchanted boy_

_They say he wandered very far_

_Very far, over land and sea_

_A little shy and sad of eye_

_But very wise was he,"_

I took a glimpse of Phil in the corner of my eye as I continued to press the keys and sing.

_"And then one day,_

_One magic day he passed my way_

_While we spoke of many things_

_Fools and Kings_

_This he said to me:"_

_"The greatest thing you'll ever learn_

_Is just to love and be loved in return"._

_"The greatest thing you'll ever learn_

_Is just to love and be loved in return"._

I cleared my throat as I pressed the rest of the keys on the piano. I stared at my fingers and bit my lip in concentration as I pressed a few more keys.

_"The greatest thing you'll ever learn_

_Is just to love and be loved in return"._

I finally finished off as I pressed the remaining keys and sighed in relief. I turned to Phil and caught him staring at me with a sort of sad smile affixed to his face. "That was beautiful, Dan."

"Thank you," I giggled as I broke eye contact with Phil, my face burning a bit. Then my phone suddenly pinged in my pocket.

"What was that song called again?" Phil asked me as I pulled out my phone.

"It's Nature Boy by Nat King Cole. It's also covered by several famous artists so it's okay if you listen to other versions of it; it's still the same song." I said as I opened my phone and saw a text that I received from Jill.

" ** _You still going to the party, Danny-bear? xx"_**

I softly sighed at the text and texted back:

" _Yup xxx"_

"Umm… I probably should go now," Phil suddenly said, "it's getting pretty late."

I tucked my phone back in my pocket then turned to Phil, who stood up from the seat and shuffled his feet towards his jacket on the sofa. I looked out of the window and then back at Phil, it was still storming like crazy outside.

I stood up and approached Phil. "You sure you're going to be okay? It's pouring really hard outside…"

"I'll run fast then." Phil shrugged as he slipped in his jacket.

"I could lend you an umbrella but judging by the strong winds outside, I don't think it'll do anything," I said, "and you have your books with you, along with the things you bought earlier, they'll be soaked if you just charged to your house in this weather condition."

"What do you suggest I do then?" Phil sadly asked as he grabbed the strap or his bag and swung it over his shoulder.

I looked down and shuffled my feet awkwardly from left to right; thinking of a suggestion.

"You could just, you know, spend the night here if you want." I shrugged and bit my lip, "I mean, if you want. It's okay if you want to go home. I just don't want you to catch a cold or anything and have your entire stuff wet. Plus, it _is_ kind of late, so you might as well, you know?"

I looked back up at Phil and waited for his response. He was staring out the window with an eyebrow perked up. He turned back to me with a soft expression, "Really?"

"I mean- if you want…"

"Yeah, but I don't want to be a burden to you or anything."

"You're not, don't worry!" I reassured, "It'll be nice to have a bit of company in the house. It _is_ quite lonely since I'm the only one in here."

He turned back to the window and thought about it again.

"So..?” I nervously waited.

Phil took a deep breath then sighed. He set his bag back on the sofa then smiled at me. "I'm not in the mood to get wet today. So bear with me for tonight, okay?"

I smiled widely at his response as I let out a breath that I didn't realise I held. "Then welcome to Casa De Howell! Make yourself at home." I cheerfully exclaimed, earning a giggle from Phil, "So what do you want to do? You want to change out of your uniform or-"

I was interrupted abruptly by Phil's stomach, loudly growling. I chuckled at Phil as he blushed, shrugging his jacket off.

"Or do you want something to eat first?" I said in between my chuckles.

"Eat please." Phil said, shortly joining in the laughter.

**  
*~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
My phone pinged in my pocket again when I opened and scanned the fridge for food, spotting a few microwavable food and several green vegetables. I internally cursed my mum for wanting us to eat healthy.

I brought out my phone, seeing that it was almost 9:00 pm, and unlocked it to see another text message from Jill:

" ** _Good! We'll pick you up from your house at around 8pm okay? ;) xxx"_**

I stared at my phone blankly for a second.

_It looks like Phil's going to the party in his own way. I'm pretty sure he can do that._

" _Okay :) xx"_

"Mum? It's me," I heard Phil say down his phone as he leaned on the kitchen isle, "yeah, I'm fine…"

I slid my phone back in my pocket and continued to browse inside the fridge, shoving away the cabbages and kale, with open ears to listen to Phil's conversation with his mum.

"Sorry, I'm at Dan's house… yeah, I'm kind of stranded in here. We both decided that I should spend the night here because of the weather, is that okay?" Phil explained, "Yeah, we'll be fine…well, we're in the kitchen, looking for something to eat…his parents aren't home…I know…okay… yeah okay, I will. Bye."

I turned around to see Phil, sitting up on the kitchen isle as he hung up the phone. "My mum says hi, by the way."

"Oh, say hi back to your mum for me then." I giggled.

"Found anything edible?" Phil asked as he swung his legs, casually looking adorable.

"Well…" I turned back to the fridge and re-scanned everything, "we have… these things," I moved away from the fridge and gestured Phil to look inside.

Phil stayed sat on the counter and squinted his eyes to examine the fridge. "Hmm… you have loads of eggs, we should make pancakes!" Phil happily exclaimed, not sure if he was joking or not.

I turned to him with both my eyebrows furrowed as I chocked on my laugh, "Seriously? For _dinner_?"

"I don't see why not," Phil said, smiling as he hopped off the counter, "breakfast for dinner is the best thing ever!"

"You seriously want _us_ to make pancakes for _dinner_?" I repeated, my smile growing wider.

"Uh, yeah!" Phil said, as if it was the most obvious thing, "I mean, c'mon Dan, who _wouldn't_ want to have pancakes for dinner?"

I stared back down at the carton of eggs and grinning as I considered the idea. "You know what? Fuck it; we're making pancakes for dinner." I said as I brought out the carton of eggs and turned to Phil, who squealed "Yay!" once I handed him the carton.

We continued to search through the shelves and brought out the main ingredients as well as the needed utensils. At some point while we were pouring and mixing all of the ingredients in a bowl, Phil brings out his phone out and plays a song to fill in the quiet atmosphere. He started playing Starlight by Muse and I grinned at his choice of music.

"Nice choice," I complimented as I poured in the liquids in the bowl.

"Thanks," he laughed out as he placed the pan on the stove and pre-heated it.

As I thoroughly mixed all of the ingredients in the bowl, Phil decided to put away all the other ingredients that weren't needed anymore.

While he carried the bag of flour, he suddenly tripped on his other foot (what a klutz), accidentally pouring flour onto the floor and onto himself. And I couldn't help but laugh at him as he tried to brush the flour off of himself.

A sudden white puff of powder was splashed onto my face in the middle of my laughing session. I coughed and spit out the powder off my mouth and saw Phil dying of laughter in front of me, covering his mouth with his hand, which was white from the flour, to contain his laughter.

_Oh, it's on…_

I smirked and approached him, grabbing a handful of flour from the bag that he held and threw it all on Phil, most of it landing on his face and hair (especially his hair). He squealed and recoiled back as I grabbed a handful of more and threw it at him again, biting my lower lip to hold back my evil smirk, which was growing by the second.

As I prepared another handful of flour, I was suddenly greeted by yet another white puff of powder. I backed off a bit and spit out the flour from the side, laughing afterwards as I snatched the bag of flour from his hand to get my revenge. I cupped as much of flour as I can get in one hand and threw it all over Phil without mercy, forcefully sprinkling his face, his hair and his uniform with the white powder.

"Dan, stop it! We're going to ruin your kitchen!" Phil laughed and squealed as he backed away from me, his lower back hitting the counter and his right arm in front of him as a defense.

I laughed at him and threw one last sprinkle of flour as I approached the shelf next to him and returned the bag of flour, which was now half empty, to its original place.

"Look what you've done to me!" Phil said, laughing as he brushed off all of the flour off his trousers, his face and his hair (which has now, turned white from the flour). And I didn't do anything but laugh even harder at him.

"Wha- hey, hey, you started it!" I laughed as I looked down at myself and also brushed off the powder from my uniform and hair. I turned around and returned to the mixing bowl, picking it up afterwards and bringing it to the counter next to the stove with the pre-heated pan.

"Now c'mon, let's make pancakes, I'm starving." I said, smiling back at our flour war that just happened a few seconds ago.

  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

**  
** "Aww, this is really cute," I said as I reached out and took the Alphonse Elric plush and squished it a bit.

After devouring all the pancakes we made (and cleaning up the kitchen), we returned back into the lounge, watched a few tv programs, helped each other on home works and played more video games, we decided to go through the stuff we just bought from the shopping centre earlier.

"I know right? But the Tonberry plushie was the cutest thing ever in that shop," Phil said as he neatly folded his blue plaid shirt and stuffed it into his bag, "too bad it was too expensive though…"

I sighed sadly as I gave Phil back his plushie. "Yeah, but the good thing is you won me this creature," I brought the Where The Wild Things Are plushie from my bag and cuddled with it for a second, "which is the second best thing. Thank you again."

"You're welcome; I _am_ the world championship of winning stuffed toys from claw machines," Phil playfully said as he crossed his arms and winked at me, "and sometimes I do charity work, like that."

I shook my head in amusement. "Yeah, whatever." I stared at the stuffed toy and smiled at it, "You know, you would be like, the best boyfriend ever if you could always win at claw machines."

"W-What?" Phil asked, his face a bit pink.

"I mean, like you know how you go on dates and then sometime in the middle of the date, when you see a claw machine, you would not hesitate to miss the opportunity to win a stuffed toy for your girlfriend?" I explained, "Well, if you always win at claw machines, then you would be like the best boyfriend ever."

"Oh," Phil breathed out, finally understanding me. "I guess I would." Phil chuckled, his tongue sticking out a bit.

"Speaking of dates and boyfriend and girlfriends," I said as I shifted myself from the sofa so I could face Phil, lounging back a bit, "have you had one?"

"What, a girlfriend?" Phil double checked, and I nodded. "I have, actually. Two years ago, back at my hometown when I was fifteen."

I leaned in a bit closer and listened attentively. "Her name was Anna, we've been good friends since we were really young and then when she turned fifteen, she told me that she had always fancied me and wanted to go out on a date and then things went on from there," Phil told me, "but we broke up a few months later, we're still friends though."

"I see…" I said, nodding along at his story, "is she the only girlfriend you had or..?"

Phil looked up at the ceiling and thought about it before turning back to me and nodded, followed by a shrug. "Yeah, that's pretty much it."

My jaw dropped slightly. "Seriously?"

"Yup." Phil simply said, sighing afterwards.

"I can't believe you've only had one girlfriend, and she was your childhood friend. I mean, seriously. Look at you, you're-" I quickly stopped myself from continuing the sentence. I gulped as I felt my face burn.

_That he's what, Dan?_

"Thanks Dan," Phil smiled, looking down at the floor with his cheeks flushed red. He probably knew what I was going to say and saved the awkward moment, "but no, it's fine."

He turned and looked outside the window. It was still storming, and it didn't seem to be dying out. If anything, it seemed like it was getting a bit stronger. I stared at Phil as he glued his gaze outside the window, nervously twiddling his thumbs.

I gave out a soft sigh and scooted closer to Phil, nudging his shoulder with mine to get his attention. "Hey, you know what? When we get to the party tomorrow, let's go try and find you a nice girl, yeah?"

Phil chuckled, turning his attention back to me. "We don't have to, but thanks anyway."

I gave him a small smile as I reached over to the coffee table, took my cup of hot chocolate, which Phil offered to make earlier for both of us since he said he makes the best hot chocolate, (not going to lie, it _was_ really good) and drank the rest of it while we watched a random tv program.

"Oh crap!" Phil suddenly blurted, making me jump a bit as I sipped my drink.

"What's wrong?"

He turned to me with a sad expression. "I forgot to buy some colored pencils for art class tomorrow. I guess I'll have to borrow from PJ again…"

Phil slumped sadly in his seat and sighed deeply. "Hang on, I think I still have some colored pencils, I'll let you borrow mine." I said, standing up from the sofa and running out of the room before Phil could stop me (if he was even going to).

I quickly went up the stairs and into my brother's bedroom and took my box of colored pencils from his drawer from when he borrowed them. With the box in hand, I headed back down to the lounge and handed them to Phil.

"Here." I said as I sat back down.

Phil took the box from me and then smiled. "Thanks Dan. You don't really have to, you know? You might need them, I could always buy my own or just borrow PJ's extra box for awhile-"

"No," I said, more sternly than I intended. I didn't understand why I felt so strongly about Phil borrowing something from PJ; it wasn't like I was jealous again or anything. Was I? "I-I mean, c'mon Phil. I insist, I don't really use them that much anyway."

Phil stared down at the box and pursed his lips. "Okay. Thanks Dan." he smiled as he stuffed the box in his bag. He then covered his mouth, yawned loudly then rubbed his eyes. Poor thing must be tired.

"Sleepy?" I asked.

"Kind of, yeah," Phil said as he sniffed and squeezed his eyes together, "what time is it?"

I took my phone out and checked the time. "Half past twelve."

Phil yawned again, louder this time. "Wow. Yeah, can I sleep now? I'm kind of tired. And we still have school tomorrow."

"Sure. Do you want to change into something more comfortable first?" I asked, mainly pointing out the fact that we were _still_ wearing our school uniforms, with our ties whipped away and a few buttons undone.

"Can I?"

"Yeah of course," I said as I turned the tv off, standing up, grabbing both of our bags as well as the mugs on the other hand and gestured him out the room, closing the lights afterwards, "c'mon, let's go upstairs."

He followed me out the room and gone ahead and went up the stairs as I quickly ran into the kitchen first to put the mugs in the dishwasher. After I did that, I caught up with him, still carrying both of our bags, and opened the door to my dark room.

I flicked the lights on and revealed my surprisingly clean room, with a bed in the corner, a laptop and a keyboard piano on top of a desk, a small wardrobe and a poster covered wall. I looked over to Phil and his eyes just widened in surprised as he stared at all of my band posters and all the stuffed animals I had in the corner.

"I love your room," he commented as he stepped inside and carefully sat on the bed, still gazing up at my posters.

"Thanks. It's not usually this clean by the way," I admitted, throwing our bag in the corner of the room with my stuff animals and approached the wardrobe, "alright, so what do you want to wear?"

Phil stood up from the bed and then walked over to me. "Do you own anything that's not black or white?" he said, giggling as he searched through the drawers.

I playfully rolled my eyes at him and helped him look for something to wear. "Here, you can wear this," I pulled out a gray jumper with a bear on it, "and this," and then also pulled out some dark red trackies, handing them both to Phil.

He took them with a smile. "You could just get changed here, I'll go downstairs and make sure all the doors and windows are locked, and all the lights are off." I said as I walked out the door and left it slightly ajar, "I'll be right back."

I quickly made my way down the stairs and closed all the lights in every room, and also made sure that all the doors and windows were closed. As I went to the supply closet and brought out extra pillows and blankets for Phil, I suddenly realised, where would Phil sleep? On the sofa? On my little brother's bed? Next to me? I didn't think this through; I figured I'd just ask him.

After I gathered Phil's pillows and blankets, I went back upstairs and into the room, only stopping from opening the door when I saw through the door's crack that Phil still wasn't fully dressed yet. His back was turned and he was struggling to get the dark red trackies on, his red check boxers showing and his bare back exposed, as well as his skinny pale legs.

When Phil successfully wore the trackies and reached for the gray jumper on the desk, I swallowed a lump in my throat. His body looked so flawless and smooth, it was slim and beautiful. And there was that strange uneasy feeling in my stomach again as I watched him slip on the jumper, he looked nice in my clothes.

I quickly whipped my head away once I realised that I was just stood there, outside the door, watching my friend, my _guy_ friend, who was getting dress through the door's crack. I blushed furiously as I thought back to it and went into the bathroom, still carrying Phil's pillows and blankets.

I opened the lights and stared at myself in the mirror, my face was still red. I tried my best to shake off the feeling as I walked out of the bathroom and stood outside my bedroom door, staring at the door's crack to make sure that Phil was now, fully dressed.

It seemed like he was since he was pacing awkwardly around the room. I took a deep breath in and swung the door open. "Hey, I got your pillows and blankets ready."

Phil looked at me and smiled. "Oh thanks."

I stared at the floor and nervously prepared the question, "So… where do you want to sleep?"

"O-Oh…" I heard Phil stutter, "umm… well, where _can_ I sleep?"

I looked back up and saw Phil's cheeks were bit pink. "Well, there's the sofa. But it's quite small and narrow, it's not wide enough so I don't know if you would be comfortable sleeping there," I explained, "and there's also my brother's bed, but it's also really small."

"So… the floor?" Phil nervously joked, chuckling afterwards.

"No, you turnip. I'm not letting you sleep on the floor," I scoffed and rolled my eyes at him, "it's either those two, the small sofa or the extremely small bed."

Phil stared at the pillows and blanket as I handed them to him, gnawing on his lower lip as he thought. "Hmm…"

"I mean, it's either those or you could sleep on my bed and I'll sleep somewhere else," I offered, "I can sleep on my parents' bed or something, and you can sleep here. Or you could sleep on my parents' bed and I stay here, just don't break or touch anything there. Almost everything there is fragile."

"You don't have to do that, Dan. It's your bed and I don't think me sleeping in a room full of fragile things is good," Phil said, "I kind of sleepwalk sometimes and I might like, grab a vase and throw it out of the window in my sleepwalk or something."

I chuckled at bit at his reason.

"If that's the case then maybe you should sleep here, next to me or something so I could keep an eye on you," I felt my face starting to burn a bit. “if you don't mind, I understand if it's a bit awkward but I'm just saying that I need to keep an eye on you incase you break anything in your sleepwalk. My bed's big enough to fit both of us anyway."

Phil stared down at his feet as he played around with the blankets in his hands. "Well, are you sure _you're_ okay with it?"

"Of course I am. I wouldn't offer it if I wasn't, would I?" I cleared up, "so… you sleeping here then?"

Phil glanced at the bed for a second and chewed the inside of his cheeks, thinking of considering it or not. Then he sighed softly and smiled at me. "I hope you don't spazz out in your sleep then."

I looked up at him and grinned. "Hey- you're the one who sleepwalks. I just hope you don't murder me in my sleep."

Phil laughed lightly as he shook his head in amusement, going over to the bed and laying his pillows and blankets in the corner. "I'm gonna go ahead and use your bathroom, if that's okay?"

"Yeah, go ahead." I gestured him out and he left the room, closing the door behind him.

The second he closed the door, I immediately went over to the wardrobe and brought out some decent clothes to sleep in. I quickly stripped down to my boxers, glancing at the door every now and then, worried that Phil might walk in while I was in the middle of getting change just like I almost did to him earlier. I didn't even know why the fact that Phil might walk in on me dressing worried me so much, I had nothing to hide. Maybe it was just because I was a bit self conscious about my own body.

_Yeah,_ **_a bit_ ** _._

I wore a loose, thin-layered white shirt and some black trackies. Usually, I just sleep in my boxers, but since Phil's in bed with me, I wasn't going to make it as awkward as it would already be.

After I got changed, I went over to my desk, sat on my chair and opened my laptop. I figured that I'd let Phil sleep in first and once he's already fallen asleep, I would just slip in quietly, in hopes to not wake him up and save the awkward moment of slipping in to bed together and just lay down there in silence until we both fall asleep.

The sky thundered again for probably the hundredth time and I just sighed deeply as I opened a web browser.

_This is going to be a long night…_

**  
*~*~*~*~*~*~***

_  
Dan was wrong._

_The bed wasn't big enough to fit both of them. It did, but barely, since Phil squished himself in a corner to give Dan more room to toss and turn in his space._

_After about an hour of internet browsing and after Dan has made sure that Phil was now fully asleep, he carefully slipped into the sheets, creating as much space between him and Phil and then fell into a deep sleep. Phil, on the other hand, was wide awake._

_He couldn't sleep, no matter how hard he tried. He had his eyes closed for almost two hours now, forcing himself to pass out, but nothing._

_He didn't know why he couldn't sleep, he was so sleepy earlier. Was it because there was a thunderstorm outside? Because, as embarrassing as it was, Phil_ **_was_ ** _afraid of thunderstorms, or just thunder and lightning in general. Or was it because Dan was sleeping_ **_right_ ** _next to him?_

_Phil was going to admit, he was extremely relieved that Dan resorted into saying that they should sleep in the same room and in the same bed. Because if Phil was left alone in a room, inside a house that he wasn't familiar with, with the thunderstorm outside and the lights out, he would be shaking in fear and wouldn't have slept at all through the night. But that wasn't different to what it was now._

_He was in a room, in a house that he wasn't familiar with, with the thunderstorm outside and the lights out, shaking in fear and couldn't fall asleep. The only difference was that he was with someone else in the room and sleeping in the same bed with them, and that should be enough to make feel safe and fall asleep. But he was still shaking in fear. Why was he shaking in fear? What was keeping him awake?_

_Phil huffed into a pillow in frustration. Why couldn't he just fall asleep?_

_He opened his eyes and flipped himself around carefully to face Dan, whose back was turned to him. Phil didn't know what time it was, probably around two or three in the morning. And as creepy as it seemed, Phil couldn't help but smile at the sight of Dan, who was peacefully sleeping unlike him._

_Phil propped himself up by his elbow, he probably had a thing for Dan sleeping because for some reason, Phil just found it mesmerizing to watch him sleep. He couldn't take his eyes off of him; he was so adorable, just by looking at him from behind._

_He hesitantly lifted his hand and reached out to carefully stroke Dan's chestnut hair. It was as soft as it looked and it brought a huge smile to Phil's face._

_Dan suddenly stirred, causing Phil to quickly draw his hand back. He then laid his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes, pretending that he has been sleeping the whole time._

_He felt the bed shift and sink, and after a few minutes of silence, he heard Dan breathing in and out again. He slowly opened his eyes again to see that he was now, face to face with Dan._

**  
*~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
"He looks just like you." Phil said as he studied Alex in the picture.

"You think so?" he heard Dan say.

Phil looked at him and gave him a kind of lopsided smile.

"Mh-hm," Phil simply hummed in agreement as he stared into Dan's eyes, not realizing before that they had the nicest and the warmest shade of brown, they were beautiful.

Phil's eyes trailed down to Dan's lips. They were so pink and plump, almost kissable. But Phil quickly shook off the thought and brought his eyes around Dan's face and continued to study his features.

And Dan had never looked more beautiful at that moment.

  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
_The street lights outside the house shone through the window, causing the raindrops on the glass to cast a shadow on Dan's face, somehow making him more beautiful and peaceful than he already was. And Phil just kind of laid there and watched Dan breath in and out._

_He felt his heart thump loudly against his chest as he slowly reached out his hand again and carefully brushed the hair away to reveal Dan's gorgeously tanned face._

_Phil then moved a bit closer to Dan to get a better look of his face and brushed more of his brown hair away from his eyes (that were, unfortunately, closed). But as Phil softly stroked Dan's hair, he noticed something; his hand was shaking, a bit more violently than before, as he caressed his friend's hair._

_Why were they shaking? Was Phil cold? Or was he shaking in fear again like earlier? Why in fear? What was he so afraid of?_

_And at the_ **_exact_ ** _moment Phil asked himself that, Dan had subconsciously and unexpectedly threw his arms around Phil's torso and moved himself closer to the boy, nuzzling his face into Phil's chest, still fast asleep, making Phil's heart thump faster than it ever did._

**_That_ ** _was what he was afraid of._

_It wasn't that he was afraid of Dan or anything. He liked Dan, and it was okay to like Dan; it was okay to be friends with him… and to have a small crush on him. And that was supposed to be it; nothing else should cross that line._

_But it was too late._

_Phil has fallen in love with Dan Howell._

_And he was afraid to fall in love._

_He knew it was going to happen, though. He tried his best to repress his feelings and tried to just look at Dan in a 'friend' way, but no._

_After hanging out with him, after spending an absolutely amazing day with him, Phil knew that his feelings for Dan just grew stronger and he couldn't help it._

_But he should just forget about it._

_Because Dan doesn't feel the same way._

**  
*~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
Phil opened the bathroom door and exited the room, closing the door behind him. He walked into the dark hallway and then down the stairs. He didn't realised how late it was, time flies when you're having fun.

It was still pouring outside which worried Phil a lot, he couldn't go home in this weather condition. But he was just going to bear with it; he'll just have to run in the rain in hopes that he wouldn't catch a cold the next day. What about his things? His books, his notepads? They would be completely soaked.

Phil's thoughts were interrupted abruptly when he didn't realise there was an extra step at the bottom of the staircase and he tripped and fell. He yelped when he face planted onto the carpet (luckily the floor was carpeted).

"Phil? You alright?" he heard Dan shout from the lounge.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Phil yelled back as he slowly stood up and slightly limped back into the lounge until he heard:

"NO!" he heard Dan suddenly shouted. Phil stopped by the door and eavesdropped into the conversation, "N-No, he's just- it's just a friend, mum. I just thought we could hang out for a bit. I think he'll leave in a few minutes, it's getting pretty late."

Phil let out a sad sigh. He didn't understand why he was suddenly sad; he didn't know what he was expecting to hear. Phil _was_ actually Dan's friend, and that was all he would ever be.

He was just a friend.

  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return,"

After Dan finally finished off the song, Phil didn't do anything but stare at him. He had a surprisingly beautiful singing voice, and he looked absolutely gorgeous playing the piano too. Phil was completely captivated by Dan.

But the last song verse wouldn't leave Phil's head.

And Phil didn't know why, but it bothered him. A lot.

Dan suddenly turned to Phil and all Phil could do was give him a sad smile, which was the only thing he was able to pull at the moment, "That was beautiful, Dan."

"Thank you," Dan giggled. His phone suddenly rang so he pulled it out from his pocket and opened it.

"What was that song called again?" Phil asked as he gnawed on his lip.

"It's Nature Boy by Nat King Cole. It's also covered by several famous artists so it's okay if you listen to other versions of it; it's still the same song."

Phil was definitely going to look that up and listen to it. It had a sort of vibe in it the Phil didn't really understand but it left a bit of something in him.

Phil's eyes suddenly dropped to Dan's phone and he accidentally read his message,

" **You still going to the party, Danny-bear? xx"**

_"Yup xxx"_ he saw Dan typed out then sent.

And for some reason, again, Phil felt a heavy weight in his heart just by seeing those text messages. Yes, it was wrong invading Dan's privacy by looking at his text messages, Phil regretted it. If he hadn't looked he wouldn't have felt so down all of the sudden. But why was he down?

Was it because of Jill? Did Phil not like Jill? Or he just didn't like the idea of Dan dating Jill?

Or maybe it was the idea of Dan dating? Dating a girl, to be specific.

Phil didn't like the idea of Dan, dating a girl maybe because it showed him that Dan was straight, and was in a relationship with someone pretty and popular. It showed him that he could never have Dan even if he tried

  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

_  
Phil flinched when the sky thundered again, and Dan just nuzzled more into Phil's chest which made Phil's heart thump more loudly in his chest. He just hoped Dan wouldn't wake up because of Phil's beating heart underneath his cheek, he didn't want him to wake up; he wanted to savor the moment as much as he could. He may never experience anything like this again. Hell, of course this would never happen again. It wasn't like Dan was conscious enough to enjoy their cuddling session and ask for it again, that was just absurd._

_Phil then felt Dan take a deep breath through the nose, deeply inhaling Phil's scent, then sighed softly though his nose as he tightened his grip around Phil._

Maybe… Dan does like me, _Phil suddenly thought,_ maybe he was just too afraid to admit it, or maybe he just doesn't realise he likes me yet. He blushes whenever we make eye contact or whenever we make the slightest skin contact. He did say he didn't really liked Jill, didn't he..? So maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance…

_Phil stared down at the peacefully sleeping boy then quietly scoffed to himself._

Yeah right, what the hell was I thinking? Of course he doesn't like me, I mean look at me… _Phil sadly thought,_ And of course he likes Jill, he said he didn't want to leave her because he thought he actually loves her deep down and he just doesn't see it yet.

But he **_did_ ** say that he wasn't exactly sure that he loves Jill. So maybe he doesn't really love her, you still have a chance. _A little voice inside Phil's head said._

_But then Phil shook his head._ No, Phil. Don't get your hopes up. He **_doesn't_** like you like that, he's **_not_** gay. Shut up.

_Phil took a deep breath and recollected himself._ He doesn't like you, Phil. But that's okay, isn't it?

_He hesitantly lifted his arm and wrapped it around Dan's torso carefully, giving into Dan's unconscious cuddling session._

I like him, but who says I can't be friends with him? Dan is amazing, and it would suck so much if I lose him just because I like him and he doesn't like me back. I could just keep my feelings to myself, that's fine. It'll go away eventually, wouldn't it? _Phil thought to himself,_ I want to be friends with him, he needs someone.

He seems so lonely, especially when he said no one ever took him to the Manchester Eye. I barely see him with anyone else other than Jill's group; it was like he never actually had real friends that were there for him at all times. And that was my duty now.

I'll make sure I'll be there for him; I'm not going to let my feelings get in the way. I wasn't going to let my feelings ruin my friendship like it did last time. And I'm not going to let my feelings get the best of me and ruin what we already have.

No matter how much it would hurt seeing him with someone else, that's fine. I'll always be there to catch him when he falls. I'll be there when he feels down.

I'll be there as his friend. And that's okay.

That's okay…

_Phil sighed, for like the billionth time, then nuzzled his face into Dan's hair, inhaling his scent._

He smells warm _, was the first thing Phil thought._

_He wasn't shaking anymore, now that he has settled his own feelings. He was okay now. There was nothing to be afraid of anymore._

_Phil closed his eyes and tried his best to fall asleep with Dan beside him, both of their arms wrapped around each other. Even though he really shouldn't cuddle with Dan, he was just enjoying the moment as long as he could. Just holding Dan like that at least once was enough._

_Phil ended up humming the song that was stuck in his head ever since Dan played it on the piano. He ended up softly humming the song Nature Boy by Nat King Cole as he forced himself to drift off into a deep and peaceful sleep._

_And for some weird reason, he remembered all of the song's lyrics. He decided to sing it in a soft and quiet voice, in hopes that it would actually help him fall asleep this time since the song has been bugging him all night._

_"There was a boy_

_A very strange, enchanted boy_

_They say he wandered very far_

_Very far, over land and sea_

_A little shy and sad of eye_

_But very wise was he,"_

_Phil began to subconsciously stroke Dan's hair, careful not to wake him._

_"And then one day,_

_One magic day he passed my way_

_While we spoke of many things_

_Fools and Kings_

_This he said to me:"_

_"The greatest thing you'll ever learn_

_Is just to love and be loved in return"._

_"The greatest thing you'll ever learn_

_Is just to love and be loved in return"._

_"The greatest thing you'll ever learn…"_

_"Is just to love…"_

_A silent tear suddenly escaped Phil's closed eyes then rolled down across his face, wetting the pillow as he let out a shaky breath._

_"…_ _and be loved in return"._

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo I'm back with another long ass chapter (I'm sorry but it's good, I'm proud of it!) and I hope you guys like it! :) 
> 
> oh yeah, this is the last pre-written chapter that I've written and transferred from FanFiction, so I wouldn't be uploading chapters like mad anymore (I mean this chapter took me 4 months to write because writer's block) but I'm already working on the next one so don't worry, it wont take 4 months ^_^; but seriously, thank you guys so much for the support, kudos and the really nice comments ^_^ <33

It was Tuesday night.

And it was about 7:30 pm when I looked at the time on my laptop. Jill and the others would be picking me up in a few to go to the party.

I closed my laptop and stood up. I walked up to my wardrobe and searched for something nice to wear.

Phil was right; everything that I had in my wardrobe was either black or white, no colors at all.

Speaking of Phil, I never told him the fact that I woke up this morning, only to find out that I had my arms around him and my face nuzzled up his neck. Needless to say, I was just extremely thankful that I didn't wake up with morning wood. I just slowly untangled our limbs, careful not to wake Phil up, and we continued with the morning like nothing happened.

He smelled surprisingly like raspberries from what I've gathered when I took a quick whiff of his scent before moving away from him.

I simply sighed at the memory as I grabbed a simple white button up shirt and my black skinny jeans then began dressing in them, rolling up the sleeves to my elbows afterwards.

After modeling around the mirror for a few minutes, seeing if I looked alright, I sprayed some cologne on myself then fixed my hair, making sure it looked presentable.

As if on cue, I heard the sound of Chris's car honking outside after I tucked my phone in my pocket. I drew the curtains back to see Chris's car parked in front of my house, also seeing Jill and her other friends inside, and waved at them, indicating that I'll be down in a second.

I quickly turned off all the lights in the house and locked the front door, hoping that no one would break in while I was at the party, and quickly walked over to Chris' car.

I opened the passenger's seat and gave Chris a quick 'hi' before entering. He began to drive off once I got comfortable in my seat.

"Hi babe, you look great!" I heard Jill compliment from the back seat.

I turned around slightly from my seat and gave her a small smile "Thanks, you too."

"I'm so excited to go to the party! Did you hear? Eric's going to be there," one of Jill's friends (not sure which) enthusiastically said as I stared out the window.

"Irene, he has a girlfriend," someone else reminded her.

"So? One night won't hurt her; she's not going to find out."

"Ugh, you're such a slut," someone said nonchalantly, "oh and by the way, I heard Scott and his guys are going to be there too."

I looked up the rear view mirror and saw Jill raise both her eyebrows in surprise. "Is he now?" she said in a high pitched voice and I just sighed and let them continue their conversation.

Why was I even putting up with Jill when I knew she was only using me to make her ex-boyfriend jealous? I've asked myself this question dozens of times. Do I _really_ love her? I found her annoying and repulsive. If I actually hated her then why didn't I break up with her a long time ago?

I chewed my bottom lip and stared down at my shoes as I thought, I needed to clear things up in my head.

Why couldn't I break up with Jill? Was it because I didn't want to leave her? Yes, but why? Was it because I loved her? Was it because I _actually_ loved her? Maybe. But if I actually loved her, then why do I find her annoying and repulsive? Was it because deep, deep, _deep_ down inside of my hate for her, I love her? Then why couldn't I see that?

Maybe I _will_. If I keep hanging out with her, then maybe I would see the reason why I love her, maybe I would see the reason why I couldn't leave her for some reason.

Maybe. But until then, I would just have to keep hanging out with her. I would just continue being her boyfriend. I would just go with the flow and see where it would take me.

I let out a huge sigh and slumped down my seat. It was a good thing I cleared things up a bit now.

"By the way, Chris, what are you doing picking us all up for the party?" I asked as I turned to Chris, who was keeping his eyes on the road, "Aren't you supposed to be, you know, in _your_ house, fixing up _your_ party and entertaining _your_ guests?"

He simply shrugged. "Nah, I got some guys to do that for me. And I'm pretty sure they can handle themselves there, they wouldn't even notice I was gone."

I just nodded at him and turned back at the window, feeling immensely bored as I stared at the houses that pass by.

The thought of Phil crossed my mind all of the sudden. Could he actually handle finding Chris' house on his own? Chris's house was in a whole different neighborhood, and then thought of Phil walking around the neighborhood, lost as fuck, made my stomach churn. What was I thinking when I told Phil it was up to him to go to the party by himself? Yeah, sure Dan, invite the guy to the party and then let him find the actual party on his own in a neighborhood that's probably going to be like a fucking labyrinth to him, filled with people who are probably going to stab him to death. Great idea.

Instead of repeatedly banging my head on the glass window because I realised I was such a dick, I just gave out an exasperated sigh and pulled my phone out of my pocket, deciding to text an apology to Phil. But before I could even open my phone, a familiar figure appeared, walking along the pavement.

"Phil," I muttered loudly to myself as we drove pass him and I got a better look of his face in the side mirror. He was walking with his hands in his pockets, wearing the black and blue check shirt he bought yesterday. What were the chances? We _did_ live in the same neighborhood, so I shouldn't be surprised.

"Phil?" I heard one of the girls from the back ask.

"Is that the friend you wanted to invite? Want me to pull over and let him ride with us?" Chris asked, slowing the car down slightly.

"Can we?"

"Of course! He _is_ going to the party, right?" Chris double checked as he stopped the car.

"Y-Yeah, hang on," I said as I rolled my window down and stuck my head outside to see Phil walking with his head down, "Phil!"

He snapped his head up and then instantly smiled when he saw me waving at him from the car window. "Dan?" he said as he sped walked towards the car.

"Hey," I smiled at him, "'wanna get in? We're all going to the party. You can come with us, we could all go together."

Phil's smile dropped slightly when he leaned a bit and saw Chris and the others in the car.

Chris gave a genuine smile then did a small wave. "It's alright, mate. We don't bite. Plus, I don't think you know where the party is, so you might as well just go with us."

Phil thought about it for a second, eying up all of the people in the car, then shyly agreed, "O-Okay…"

I gave him a reassuring smile as Chris turned his attention to the girls in the back seat. "Alright you skinny bitches, make some room, we have a new passenger."

"Skinny bitches?" Jill asked, raising her eyebrow at Chris and scooting as much as she could with the girls so there would be a seat big enough for Phil to fit in.

Phil quietly giggled as he watched one of Jill's friends open the car door for him so he could enter the vehicle. He promptly sat down on the space they created for him, which was a bit too big (they _were_ skinny) then closed the door.

"You guys comfortable back there?" Chris asked and they all nodded and said 'yeah' before Chris drove off, "alright then. Next stop: the party."

It didn't take long before all of the girls suddenly started to ask Phil some personal questions.

" _Are you new here?"_

" _Where do you use to live?"_

" _How old are you?"_

" _Why is your hair so soft?" (One of the girls asked as she shamelessly ran her fingers across his hair)_

" _You smell really good by the way, like wow."_

" _Do you have a girlfriend?"_

" _Do you fancy anyone at the moment?"_

The questions got creepier and more personal every single time and I just sat there, smiling at Phil through the rear view mirror. It was quite amusing seeing him all nervous, shy and flustered around girls who are trying to flirt with him. And he tried his very best to answer all of their questions (even the creepy ones).

" _Yeah, I just moved in about a week ago or so."_

" _I used to live in Rossendale, which explains why I sound kind of northern."_

" _I'm turning eighteen next January."_

" _Errr, I don't know… shower gel and conditioner?"_

"… _thanks, I guess? Haha..."_

" _Sadly no, I don't have a girlfriend."_

" _Umm… no, not really…"_

"Well if that's the case, then you wouldn't mind if we go out for coffee sometime?" one of the girls asked as she winked at Phil.

Phil nervously chuckled as he played with his fingers, his face turning red. "I-I'll think about it, thanks."

"Hey - I should be asking him out if you guys won't let me have Eric!"

"No cat fights in the car please." Chris abruptly said, his eyes still on the road.

I suddenly made eye contact with Phil through the rear view mirror and he gave me a shy smile, but it was also the kind of smile that said, _'help me pls'_. I just chuckled at him and tried to tell him to _'hang in there'_ through my eyes since I couldn't say anything because the girls were still talking to him.

"Hey, you at the back, it's great that you're snogging all the girls back there, but why not give some attention to the lads up front?" Chris playfully said as he turned to a corner.

"O-Oh sorry." Phil said, giggling shyly.

"That's alright," Chris said, "so, Phil was it?"

"Yup."

"Have you been to a party before?" Chris asked.

"Well, I've been to small gatherings. Like, with a bunch of friends, just staying indoors to watch a movie with loads of snacks, but never to a house party with a lot of people, alcohol and loud music."

"Oh, well no worries, man. Just get out of your comfort zone; socialize and you'll have a great time. Although, I don't think we're allowed to drink alcohol, but I'm pretty sure some guys will sneak in some anyway." Chris said, winking at Phil through the rear view mirror, "So enjoy yourself in there, okay?"

"Okay." Phil nervously chuckled.

The girls then tried to get Phil's attention back by asking him more personal questions like 'what's his favorite movie, tv show etc.', Chris and I joining in the conversation from time to time as he drove us closer to his house.

It was nice that Phil was getting along with everyone, but it was kind of hard having one-on-one conversations with him without being constantly interrupted by one of Jill's overly attached friends. They were getting a bit annoying, and I could see it on Phil's face that he was starting to get really uncomfortable with all of this attention.

I quickly mouthed _'Don't worry, we're almost there.'_ to him through the mirror when we locked eyes, hoping that he would catch that.

Thankfully, he did, and then gave me a small smile.

"Alright, ladies and lads, we're here!" Chris cheerfully said as he parked his car on the driveway.

I shuffled out of my seat as everyone started to exit the car. They all walked inside the house as I helped Phil with his shoelace, which was accidentally caught between the car door from when he closed it.

"You coming in, Danny-bear?" Jill asked, standing on the doorway and staring at me and Phil with a raised eyebrow.

"You go on ahead, I'll catch up," I said, waving my hand dismissively at her as I simply opened the car door to set Phil's shoelace free.

Jill just shrugged at us then closed the front door behind her, leaving me and Phil outside.

I turned to Phil, who was looking up at the house in awe and nodding his head to the beat of the music, which could be heard from the inside, as we walked to the front door. I nudged his elbow with mine, "Hey, sorry if the girls made you really uncomfortable back there. They tend to be like that and-"

"No – that's okay!" Phil quickly reassured, turning to me and giving me a nervous smile, "Don't worry about it, it's fine."

"A-Alright then." I sighed as I returned the smile.

"Now c'mon, let's party!" Phil enthusiastically said, opening the front door and walking inside, seeing a bunch of other people walking around and dancing as music blared in the background.

The air felt weird. With the smell of alcohol, strong perfume, the sound of loud pop music and everyone talking and laughing, you could easily get drunk just by the atmosphere itself. I was starting to feel a bit nauseous walking around the room, but I quickly shook off the feeling, it wasn't like I haven't been to a party before, the air in this one just felt a bit heavy.

Once I spotted the kitchen door way through the sea of people, I shook Phil's shoulder, "'Wanna go get a drink?" I asked, practically shouting over the loud music so he could hear me.

"Yeah, sure." he shouted back as we began to walk through the mass of dancing seventeen year olds.

It was kind of surprising to see that the kitchen wasn't filled with people like usual, loitering and drinking inside, considering that the room was actually pretty huge and was accompanied with alcoholic drinks and crisps on the kitchen counter.

They were just a few people sitting in the corner of the room in small groups, just having casual conversations as Phil and I cross the room to the drinks on the counter.

I grabbed two plastic cups for both of us and poured a reasonable amount of fruit punch in them before handing one of the cups to Phil. We both took a sip together; the taste of zesty fruit and alcohol lingered on my tongue for a second as I made a satisfied hum.

"This is good." Phil commented as he took another sip from his drink.

I simply nodded and hummed in agreement with him as I gulped down half my drink, staring at the stronger alcoholic drinks that were set in another counter. Maybe we could get to that later, the night was still young.

I looked down at my drink, thinking of a conversation idea as I sucked on my lower lip, tasting the remains of the fruit punch on my lips. "So what do you think of Denise?"

Phil looked at me, confused, "Who?"

"You know, the girl who kept hitting on you in the car," I cleared up, taking another sip of my drink, "she should've probably introduced herself, shouldn't she?"

"Oh right, her. Well, umm…" Phil cleared his throat then shrugged, "she's alright, not really my type, but I could give her a try."

"If you don't like her, that's fine, don't worry. There's loads of girls here, I could be your wingman tonight, if you want." I said, smirking at him.

He chuckled nervously, looking down at his shoes, "No- that won't be necessary. Thanks anyway." he finished his drink then licked his lips, "Besides, if I wanted to hook up with a girl, I should've been hooked up by now. I mean, look at these muscles," he raised his left arm and pretended to flex his muscle, "I would get all the ladies."

I laughed at his statement, shaking my head in amusement, as I refilled both our cups with the same fruit punch, "Yeah, _okay_ , whatever you say then."

I leaned over the counter, took a few crisps off a bowl then popped them in my mouth as Phil looked around the room, observing the people who were laughing out loud and the couples who were publicly displaying affection, by having their arms around each other and kissing each other affectionately on the cheek.

Phil looked down at his drink and sighed. "So how are things with you and-"

"There you are, Dan!"

We both jumped and turned around to see Jill, making her way towards us. "Jill?"

"I've been looking all over you. C'mon, the guys are back in there!" she tightly gripped my arm then looked at Phil, "Sorry, but can we have him for a second?"

"Oh – it's okay, you can have him. We weren't even talking about anything." Phil said, reassuringly.

But what was he going to say? How are things with me and...?

"Thank you so much!" Jill happily said as she began to drag me away.

"O-Okay," I barely stuttered as I was practically pulled away from Phil, "I'll be back. Try to have fun, try to socialize, okay? I'll talk to you later!"

I flashed Phil one last big smile before I was fully pulled out the kitchen and into the living room, I felt kind of bad leaving Phil alone.

_I really hope he'll be okay._  
  
  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***  
  


_Phil was not okay._

_It has been about forty minutes after Dan left him, and he had mindlessly wandered almost every single room in the house, with a glass of sangria in one hand._

_Figures, Jill just wanted Phil away from their group by dragging Dan away from him, saying that she needed him for 'a second'._

_He gave out an exasperated sigh as he entered back into the living room, banging his head to The Sharpest Lives by My Chemical Romance. He didn't really know how it segued from mainstream pop music to MCR, but he wasn't complaining._

_When Phil finished his drink, he approached the table in the corner, which was filled with stronger alcoholic drinks, and refilled his glass with sangria._

_What was he doing? Walking around the party, sad and alone, drinking until he gets drunk? Was he really_ that _depressed? He didn't even know_ why _he was depressed._

_He shouldn't be like this; he should do what Dan told him to do, socialize with other people and have fun. He should have fun. Not mope around, getting drunk and waiting for something to happen._

_And with that, he promptly walked away from the table and looked around the room for someone who looked nice enough to talk to. So far, he found no one, but he did find a certain someone in the corner of the room, who linked arms with a certain girl._

_Phil sighed, for like the billionth time since he came to the party, as he stared at Dan and Jill from afar, who were having a conversation with a bunch of other people he didn't recognise._

_They looked so happy, laughing and slapping each other playfully, even Dan, who seemed to have dazed out from the conversation. It was kind of weird. Usually, Phil would tell if Dan felt a bit uncomfortable or out of place. But right now, all Phil could see from Dan's smile was because he was genuinely happy. Was he? Or was Phil a bit intoxicated to tell if Dan was actually enjoying himself? Probably the latter._

_Phil didn't know what was sadder, Dan forcing to enjoy himself around other people or Phil, drinking and watching Dan, alone, from a distance, debating whether if he was genuinely happy or not._

_But what Phil_ did _know was how much he wanted to be in Jill's position right now, linking arms with Dan, intertwining their hands together and just be close enough for him to smell Dan's cologne._

That sounded _a bit_ creepy. _Phil suddenly thought as he downed his drink._

_As Phil stared at Dan and Jill sadly, he suddenly felt someone throw their arm around his shoulder. "Yeah, I know how you feel, mate."_

_Phil turned and saw the familiar dark curly hair in front of his face. "Peej?!"_

" _Don't worry, we all know how you feel," PJ turned to him, wearing a smirk, "we've all been there."_

_Phil looked at PJ, confused. He looked at Dan and Jill in the far corner, and then turned back to PJ. "W-What do you mean?"_

" _You like Jill, almost all of us do," PJ cleared up, "it's alright, it's nothing to be ashamed of."_

" _O-Oh…" Phil breathed out, relieved, "okay. Yeah, you're right. It's just that Jill's really pretty, so…" Phil said, nodding his head and playing along at PJ's misinterpretation._

" _Yup. She is, isn't she?"_

" _Y-Yeah…"_

" _Mh-hm," PJ hummed as he finished off his own drink, "so when are you going to tell him?"_

"… _tell him? Tell who?"_

" _Dan," PJ said, unhooking his arm from Phil's shoulder and looking at him properly, "when are you going to tell him that you like him?"_

" _Wha- I don't know what you're…" Phil started but then trailed off once he saw PJ's unamused face, "…how did you know?"_

_PJ, like Cornelia, rolled his eyes and sighed._

" _Phil, it's pretty obvious you like him; I see the way you look at him at school. And the way you talk about him to me," PJ said, "I'm just surprised he hasn't noticed yet."_

_Phil sadly looked down at his empty glass then shrugged._

" _Maybe he has. And maybe this is his way of telling me that he's not interested." Phil said, playing around with the melting ice cubes inside his glass._

" _No- don't say that," PJ said in a soft voice, dragging Phil away from the crowd and out of Dan's sight, "he's probably just blind as a bat when it comes to this stuff. C'mon Phil, don't beat yourself up."_

_Phil gave up and sighed. "Yeah, okay…"_

_PJ gave him a sunny smile then patted him reassuringly on the back. "Now c'mon, let's go get some more sangria."_

_As they reached the table on the other side of the room, Phil turned PJ as he filled both their drinks. "By the way, I didn't know you were going to be here. What brings you here?"_

_PJ scoffed. "Well Phil, I'm actually really good friends with the guy who's throwing the party. I was going to ask you the same- "_

" _Peej!" someone suddenly shouted._

_They both turned around and saw a guy, about their height, with brown hair falling onto his eyes, approaching them. PJ chuckled, "Speak of the devil."_

" _Hey!" Chris enthusiastically said as he patted PJ's back, "you having fun?"_

_PJ just nodded, "Yeah, great party."_

" _Good." Chris simply said. He then turned to Phil, looking quite surprised. "Oh- wow, hi. Sorry, I didn't see you there."_

" _Oh yeah, this is my friend Phil. We met at art class a few days ago, he's pretty cool." PJ explained, grabbing Phil's hand and connecting it with Chris' for a short handshake._

" _Huh… small world." Chris said, with an eyebrow raised as he let go of Phil's hand._

" _You know him?" PJ questioned._

" _Yeah actually, we saw him walking around the neighborhood and picked him up on the way to the party earlier. It was actually Dan's idea to invite him."_

" _That's nice of him…" PJ said, raising his eyebrows at Phil, giving him the: '_ You didn't tell me that _' look. And Phil returned it with the_ 'I'll tell you later' _look._

" _Yeah, I didn't know you were friends with him."_

" _Well you know, we_ do _live in a small world…" PJ said, widening his eyes to emphasis the word: 'world'._

" _You having fun then?" Chris asked, turning to Phil_

" _I guess…?" Phil said, like it was more of a question._

" _Great! You're gonna fit in just fine. The next thing you know, you'll be doing body shots off of girl's belly buttons! " Chris enthusiastically said, patting Phil's shoulder, making him turn into darker shade of red, "by the way, have you guys seen Dan?"_

" _Yeah, I think we saw him in that corner over there." PJ pointed out._

" _Ah, thanks mate," Chris said, gulping down his drink. "Alright, I'm gonna leave you boys alone to have your own '_ fun _' now, okay?" Chris said, winking at both of them, "but remember Peej, Dan got to him first."_

" _Pfff yeah,_ okay _, whatever you say…" PJ said, rolling his eyes playfully._

" _I mean if you want, you can settle in for me instead." Chris said, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively as he wrapped an arm around PJ's shoulders._

_PJ scoffed as he removed Chris' arm around him. "In your dreams, Kendall."_

" _Harsh…" Chris playfully pouted as he started to walk up to the other side of the room with Dan and the others._

_PJ shook his head in amusement at Chris as he took a sip of his sangria. He then turned to Phil, who was looking down at his drink worriedly._

'Dan got to him first'? What did that even mean? _Phil thought._

_That last sentence bugged him. Surely that wouldn't mean that Dan liked him in_ that _way too, would it?_

_No. Of course not, Chris was just being silly. And why was Phil even thinking about this? It didn't mean anything. Maybe it was just the sangria; the alcohol was making his head feel a bit like mush._

" _Hey, you alright?" PJ asked, snapping Phil out of his thoughts._

" _Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking…" Phil said, clearing his throat._

" _About Dan?"_

"… _.n-no…"_

_PJ sighed sadly. "You know, all this thinking about Dan is bumming you out. We need to take your mind off of him, you need to have fun- this is a party!"_

_Phil just shrugged, not knowing what to say._

" _C'mon, I'll introduce you to my friends over there." PJ said, pointing at the mix of teenagers in the other corner of the room. "They're really nice, I promise. They'll love you." PJ reassured as he grabbed Phil's arm and walked him there._

_And Phil had nothing else to do let him._  
  
  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***  
  
  
_Phil lazily pulled out his phone out of his pocket and checked the time._

_It was still 9:30 pm but Phil already felt like collapsing. He hadn't really consumed much alcohol but the air was so intoxicating with the music, the smell and the vibe that everyone was giving out._

_But Phil wasn't backing down, the night was still young. Plus he didn't really know how to get home, but he'll be sure to find a way._

_Phil slid his phone back in his pocket then looked at himself in front of the mirror. He excused himself from everyone earlier to go to the loo._

_He looked paler than usual, with his lips looking a bit pinker. He sighed as he ran his hand through his hair, which was sticking up in different angles because it was ruffled by one of PJ's friends._

_Fixing his hair for the final time, he turned back and opened the door, only to bump into a certain someone on the way._

" _Phil," Dan said, surprised, "there you are, I've been wondering where you've been."_

_Phil words were still caught in his throat, because to be pretty fucking honest, he wasn't really expecting to be approached by Dan in front of the bathroom door after he wee'd._

" _I-I was just with Peej- PJ," Phil said, biting his lip and avoiding eye contact._

" _PJ? Your friend PJ? The one in your art class?" Dan asked, knitting his eyebrows. Phil nodded, briefly making eye contact with Dan and suddenly noticing the sad glint in his eyes. "I didn't know he was here..."_

" _Yeah, me neither. Apparently, he and Chris are very good friends," Phil said, shrugging, "but you know, it's nice to have him here. I was getting pretty lonely."_

_Suddenly feeling guilty, Dan hung his head and buried his face in his hands. He sighed sadly, "Fuck, I'm so sorry I left you like that. I shouldn't have-"_

" _Dan, it's okay," Phil quickly reassured, "you needed to be with your girlfriend and your friends. I understand, don't worry; I'm having a great time with Peej and the others."_

" _But-"_

" _Dan, I'm fine. See?" Phil said, smiling brightly and gesturing towards himself as he met Dan's eyes._

_After that, Dan sighed in defeat. "I just- I'm just really sorry I left you on your own. I should've known you would feel out of place."_

" _It's okay; I have Peej and his friends, I don't feel too lonely anymore. And it's not your fault." Phil said, shuffling his feet. "Anyways; I need to go back to the others. And I assume you need to go to the loo?" Phil asked, pointing towards the room behind him._

" _Oh- yeah," Dan laughed nervously._

" _I guess I'll see you around." Phil shrugged as he started to walk away, his eyes on the floor._

" _Wait," Dan suddenly said, grabbing Phil's shoulder and turning him around, "if you want to go home, come find me and tell me. I know the way to the main road; we can call a cab and go home together."_

_Phil internally let a big sigh of relief._

" _O-Okay, thanks…" he said as he smiled._

_Dan smiled back, the sad glint his eyes fading. "Right, I guess I'll let you back to your friends…"_

" _Yeah…" Phil awkwardly said as Dan let his hand slide off Phil's shoulder. He then turned around and walked back to the lounge with everyone else as Dan entered the bathroom._

_He approached the group of teenagers sitting on the sofa in the corner of the room and sat quietly next to them as they chatted away._

" _Hey Phil," the blond haired girl next to him welcomed him back as she noticed his arrival. Louise was her name as Phil remembered, she was actually really nice, not to mention really hilarious as well, "how was the loo?"_

" _Umm… okay? Satisfying?" Phil said with a chuckle as he reached for his glass, filled with sangria, on the coffee table._

_Louise laughed with him briefly before someone else snatched her attention away, Zoe, Phil thought her name was, also a really lovely girl. There were also other people who sat with them and who were casually making conversations with each other. Phil tired his best to remember all their names._

_From what Phil could remember, there was Louise, Zoe, Alfie, Jack, Dean, Tom, Ben, Emma, Luke and other blokes who probably weren't even in their circle. But there was one person who, Phil realised, wasn't with them._

" _Where's Peej?" Phil asked Louise._

" _Oh, he just went to go get a bowl of crisps from the kitchen. He'll be back." Louise said._

_Phil just nodded his head and stared at his glass as he waited for PJ's return. He thought back to the incredibly short conversation he just had with Dan._

_Was he actually okay? Was he actually 'fine'? No. He may be a bit dramatic, but why would he be okay? He spent the entire day yesterday with Dan, exchanging embarrassing anecdotes, sharing interests, playing video games, and even cuddling in bed (although the last one was a bit unplanned) and the next day, Dan acts as if none of those even happened. He acts like they weren't even friends; he wouldn't even look him in the eye._

_Maybe Phil was right, maybe Dan_ does _know that Phil fancies him and decided to push him away, as if telling him he clearly wasn't interested._

_As Phil thought about that, he mentally slapped himself. What the hell was he even thinking? Dan wasn't ignoring him. Hell, he stopped his friend's car to help Phil get to the frikin' party, he apologised for not being with Phil throughout the party and even offered to go home together with him. He wasn't pushing Phil away, if anyone is pushing someone here, it would be Phil._

_Phil was pushing Dan away, but he wasn't doing it on purpose. He needed to, especially now that he was 4/10 on the drunken scale, he might do something that would end his and Dan's friendship. And surely, he wouldn't let that happen._

_He was doing it for his own good, so he shouldn't feel bad about pushing Dan away, but maybe he shouldn't push him away too far. He definitely didn't want to end their friendship by ignoring one another just because it was 'for their own good'_

" _Hey," PJ suddenly said as he sat down next to him, with a bowl of crisps at hand, interrupting Phil from his thoughts, "you alright? You look a little spaced out."_

" _Yeah, I'm fine." Phil said, for the billionth time this night, with a small smile._

_There was a few seconds of silence before PJ let out a sigh and placed the bowl of crisps on the coffee table in front of them. "Are you thinking about Dan again?"_

_Phil slowly shrugged._

" _Look, you're depressed again. I told you to not think about him too much, you were doing fine earlier." PJ said, shaking his head as he took a piece of crisp from the bowl._

" _I bumped into him on the way to the toilets."_

_PJ looked at Phil with both his eyebrows raised in surprise. "And..?"_

" _And that was it. He just told me to find him if I want to go home…" Phil shrugged._

" _Find who?" Louise suddenly butted in._

" _Dan. Dan Howell." PJ told her._

"Dan Howell _? You're friends with Dan Howell?" Louise asked, looking a bit shocked at Phil._

_Phil just nodded at her._

" _Wha- how?! Dan has that sort of 'unapproachable' vibe because he's, like, Jill's boyfriend. And I assume you already know who Jill is, right?"_

_Phil nodded at her again._

" _Right, so he's got to be one of those 'too good to talk to peasants like us' people, along with Jill. So how are you friends with him? You're like, new."_

" _We were partnered up in English class." Phil simply said, "And we hung out and talked a lot, he's not very hard to talk to, actually. He's really nice; maybe I'll introduce you to him someday. You'll love him." Phil said, looking around the room for Dan and clenching his sweaty palms into a fist when he spotted him in the corner, fingers intertwined with Jill._

" _Hey, are you okay?" Louise asked in a soft voice, noticing the way Phil clenched his fist as he stared at someone from afar._

_Phil didn't say anything, hoping that Louise would get the message that he wasn't actually okay, he was tired of telling people he was when he really wasn't._

_Phil felt PJ's hand on his back, rubbing it soothingly as he stared down at his sweaty palms._

" _He, erm… kinda likes Dan." PJ explained._

_Louise looked at Phil, confused, for a few seconds before her face broke into a sad smile. She then proceeded to join PJ and also rubbed Phil's back soothingly, "Aww, I'm sorry Philly…"_

_The situation seemed a bit silly to Phil, both his friends comforting him. And this was the part where he would tell them both to stop rubbing his back but he couldn't help but feel loved and comforted so he just let them continue._

" _Is there anything we could do?" Louise asked as she wrapped her arms around Phil and continued to rub him in a comforting manner._

_PJ thought, 'Ah fuck it' before he wrapped his arms around Phil as well._ Now _the situation was silly._

" _No, it's alright. Don't worry guys; it's not that big of a deal. I'm just being melodramatic because of all the sangria," Phil joked, waving around his half empty glass while he was still being squished between PJ and Louise._

" _It's okay, Philly, we're here for you."_

" _You can cry if you want to."_

" _Just let it go."_

" _Conceal, don't feel."_

"Okay _, that's enough," Phil chuckled. They all laughed as Phil freed himself from Louise and PJ's grip. Phil stared at both Louise and PJ by his sides and gave them both of them a real smile, "Thanks guys."_

_Louise and PJ just smiled at him as they both patted his shoulder. "But seriously though, Philly, if there's anything we could do to make you feel better, just let us know." Louise said._

" _Thanks, but you guys have done enough. Right now, I just want to get my mind off of Dan." Phil sighed, finishing his drink._

" _Right, well what do you need? Another drink? Some crisps? How 'bout I hook you up with a nice girl?" PJ smiled, "or guy. You know, whatever tickles your fancy."_

_Phil shook his head in amusement at PJ._

" _Maybe we could-" Louise was interrupted abruptly by really loud and obnoxious laugher coming from across the coffee table, on the other sofa in front of them._

_Jack and Dean were both laughing their asses off while holding two bottles of… something, Phil couldn't really see what it was._

" _Excuse me, boys. But we're having a serious conversation over here." Louise told them._

_They were both taken back by surprised. "O-Oh, sorry…" Jack said in a small voice._

" _What were you laughing so loudly about anyway?" Louise asked._

_Dean leaned forward his seat. He smiled and held the bottle he was holding in front of his face. "We actually snuck two bottles of Vodka from my father's alcohol stash. But shhh, don't tell him okay?"_

" _Vodka?! Are you boys mad?!" Louise exclaimed in surprise, glaring both at Jack and Dean._

" _The party's just getting started! C'mon Louise, don't be such a party pooper." Jack playfully pouted._

" _But that's stuff really strong. Plus you stole it from your father's alcohol stash."_

_They both just shrugged as Jack opened one of the bottles and poured a reasonable amount on his drink._

" _Relax Lou; it's not like its drugs…" Jack leaned close to Dean and jokingly whispered, "Don't tell her about the drugs."_

"' _Gotcha."_

" _Oh you boys…" Louise sighed, rubbing her temples._

_Everyone kind of just laughed and chuckled at Louise, until…_

"… _Can I have some?"_

_Louise, PJ, Jack and Dean whipped their heads in surprise at the person who asked for a drink._

" _Phil, no!" Louise warned, watching as Phil held out his empty glass at Jack and Dean._

" _There we go! See Lou? Phil wants to have fun." Jack said as he re-opened the cap of the Vodka._

" _Phil, I know you're feeling a bit down at the moment, but_ this _isn't the answer." PJ said._

_Phil considered what PJ for a second but then thought, "_ Fuck it _", and firmly held his glass up for Jack to pour Vodka in. It didn't really matter anyway; here was one way to stop thinking about Dan for one night. He needed to have fun, take his mind off of him, and stop feeling so gloomy._

_He just has to be careful to not drink_ too _much in case he does something that he might regret the next day._

" _Relax you guys, he just wants a drink, can you let him drink?" Tom suddenly butted in._

" _But Tom-"_

" _Louise…" Phil stopped Louise and looked at her with tired eyes, "Please, just let me drink."_

_Louise opened her mouth to protest but then gave up and sighed instead as she leaned back on the sofa and watched as Phil kept his glass held up for the Vodka._

" _So how much do you want? Just a cap full for your sangria?" Jack asked._

_Phil didn't even realise that his glass was still half full of sangria. He quickly downed his drink and held his now empty glass back up._

" _Pure?" Jack asked, surprised._

_When Phil hesitantly nodded, Jack just shrugged his shoulders and poured about a third of a cup full of pure Vodka. "Alright then, go nuts."_

_Phil smiled and held up his glass to thank Jack and Dean before he swung his arm and took a quick sip of his drink._

_He grimaced when he gulped down his drink and felt the burning sensation travel down his throat. He suddenly felt light headed but he quickly shook his head to get rid of the feeling as he leaned back on the sofa and stared at his glass filled with pure Vodka._

" _Don't say we didn't warn you…" Louise said, "You'll regret that in the morning."_

" _I'll be fine, Louise." Phil sternly said as he took another sip of the strong alcohol._

I'll be fine…  
  
  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
_I'm coming out of my cage_  
_And I've been doing just fine_  
_Gotta gotta gotta be down_  
_Because I want it all_  
_It started out with a kiss_  
_How did it end up like this_  
_It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss_

The speaker blared with the song Mr. Brightside by The Killers as I walked to the table in the corner where various alcohols were placed. I went to get more drinks for me and Jill...again.

As I finally reached the table, by squeezing through drunken teenagers, I pulled out my phone and checked the time.

10:08 pm, Great, I wonder how long this party is going to go on since it was a school day tomorrow. Why did I even agree to come to the party if I was just going to complain about how everyone needed to go home at because of school?

I slipped my phone back to my pocket and filled both with Lemonade with a small mix of alcohol.

Tonight was pretty boring actually, I pretty much just sat down next to Jill and her friends and spaced out, drinking my drink as Chris and Phil hung out with _their_ friends.

I felt a sudden twinge in my heart, I still felt bad about leaving Phil by himself even though he said it wasn't really a big deal, it was kind of a big deal for me. I was a terrible friend, he should be mad at me right now, but for some reason, he wasn't.

Or maybe he was.

"Phil, that's enough." someone near by suddenly said, interrupting my thoughts.

I snapped my head up and saw Phil on the other side of the table, holding his glass on one hand and a half a bottle of Malibu on the other, gripping them both tightly and filled his glass, ignoring his friend.

"Phil," I called, setting my drinks down and smiling a bit.

Phil looked up from his glass and raised both his eyebrows in surprise, not saying anything. His features looked soft under the dim lighting and it seemed like his eyes were at the verge of closing, he looked pretty worn out.

"Oh, hi Dan." someone said, not Phil, but someone beside him.

It took a while for my eyes to adjust to the lighting in the room, but I could tell who it was. It was PJ.

"O-Oh, hey… PJ, right?" I asked, my smile fading a bit.

"Yup," PJ awkwardly nodded as he successfully snatched away the bottle of Malibu from Phil, as well as his glass, and set it down the table.

I turned to Phil, who still wasn't saying anything. When it looked like he was about to say something, his eyes suddenly shot wide. One of his hands quickly flew to his mouth while the other clenched his stomach as he hastily walked away, pushing dozens of teenagers on the way.

"Oh fuck…" PJ muttered loudly as he ran to catch Phil, who headed straight to the toilets.

Before I even knew what I was doing, my feet moved and I quickly followed them, setting down mine and Jill's drinks on the table, she could wait.

I tried my best to keep my eyes locked to PJ's curly top as we squeezed through the crowd of teenagers at the dance floor. I stretched my neck up to see Phil submerge inside the bathroom, followed by PJ.

He left the door slightly ajar for me, but before I could even reach the bathroom-

"Howell!" someone suddenly shouted, which made me stop my tracks.

It wasn't Jill, obviously. She never called me 'Howell', it was someone else. A guy.

I turned around and saw Scott, Jill's ex boyfriend, with his group, approaching me. He didn't seem threatening; he was smiling brightly while he holding a cup of alcohol. "I've been looking for you."

"Scott?" I said in surprise, my voice breaking a bit.

"Hey," Scott smiled. His face softened, "you look a bit scared. Relax, mate, we're not here to pop your clogs."

I laughed nervously, rubbing the back of my neck.

"Yeah, no- I just want to talk to you." Scott reassured, patting my back.

My body tensed up a bit. "W-What about? If you want Jill back, you can have her, I don't mind…"

Scott's furrowed his brows in confusion. "No, no, that's not it. I just want to talk to you. You know, have a friendly conversation."

I raised an eyebrows, I was now less scared and more confused.

Scott chuckled at me as he patted my shoulder and steered me to a different direction. I looked behind me and saw that the bathroom door was now closed and probably locked.

_I hope Phil's okay…_

We stopped in front of the table filled with alcoholic drinks. Scott picked up the bottle of Malibu that Phil was holding previously and uncapped it.

"Drink?" he asked me.

I stared at my feet and shook my head, feeling a bit small standing next to Scott who played loads of football and who actually worked out in a gym.

"So how _are_ things with you and Jill? 'She getting in your nerve yet?" Scott asked, pouring Malibu in his cup.

"Umm, kind of, yeah…" I honestly said, trying to sound as nonchalant as I could.

"Yeah, just wait until you guys hit your first anniversary," he said, shaking his head as he drank from his cup, "shit's gonna go down, just you wait."

I laughed a bit, watching as he set down the bottle to its original place.

"So, how's you?" he simply asked, waving around his plastic cup.

"Umm… good, I guess? I don't know," I said, internally cringing at how awkward I was in front of Scott, "you?"

"I'm great thanks- listen, my friend, Kyle," he pointed at the guy with neon blue hair next to him, "he's in a small time band and their pianist quit a few days ago. We were wondering if you're interested."

My eyes widened in surprise. Was that what he wanted to talk to me about? "Umm…"

"Well Kyle sees you in music class, playing the piano, so we figured you could play. Can you actually?" Scott asked, looking a bit concerned.

"Yeah, I can play a bit." I quickly said, nodding my head vigorously.

"Great, so do you want to be in the band?"

I turned to Kyle, who was just stood there, arms crossed and wearing a small smile. I bit my lip, giving it a thought. It wouldn't hurt to be in a small time band, would it? Plus, being in it could help raise my popularity for once and I wouldn't be known just as 'Jill's new boyfriend'.

"Yeah… yeah, okay. Sure, I'll do it." I slowly said, nodding my head and smiling at them.

"Really? That's great! Thanks mate." Kyle happily said, uncrossing his arms to pat me in the back.

I gave them a wide grin, standing up straight as I didn't feel threatened by them anymore.

"Band practice is every Saturday, 3pm at my garage. We have an electric keyboard, so no worries there; I'll text you the address tomorrow, yeah?" Kyle said, bringing out his phone, "What's your number?"

We both exchanged our numbers as the Scott's other friends all grabbed drinks on the table.

"And hey listen; you want to hang out with me and Kyle after band practice?" Scott asked, taking a sip of his drink, "we're going into town for a bit. You know, going to the arcades and shit."

I raised an eyebrow. Why were they being so nice and friendly to me all of the sudden? Scott, the most popular guy in school, was actually asking me to hang out with him? And one of his friends was actually asking me to be in his band? This all seemed un-real, like the time Jill asked me out.

"Why are you doing this?" I suddenly asked, like the words just came out of my mouth, "Why are you being so friendly to me?"

Scott's sunny smile quickly dropped. "O-Oh, well... if you don't want to, you could just say no but, uhh…"

He shuffled his feet, thinking of something to say. "We all know who you are. Obviously, you're Jill's new boyfriend. We all know what she's trying to do and honestly, that's just sad. I'm done with her. I don't want anything else to do with her.

"And because of that, we sort of felt sorry for you. You're sticking around with her even though she's only using you, and you _know_ she's only using you. Why are you still with her even though you already knew?" Scott questioned in the softest tone, despite his strong northern accent, "I mean… do you actually love her?"

I couldn't answer that, even I didn't know. I just lazily shrugged at him, not knowing what to say.

"Well if that's the case then maybe you could hang out with us, instead." Scott suggested with a soft smile, "You seem like a pretty cool guy, and hey, maybe it could show Jill that you're more than just a pretty face."

I thought he was lying at first, like he was trying to trick me into befriending him so he could humiliate me or something. But his voice sounded so genuine and his face had a soft expression, like he was trying his best not to scare me away.

Did they actually want to be friends with me?

"So? What do you say? You could dump Jill and come with us. You know, we could be like, the league of 'anti-Jills'." Scott joked.

I gave it a thought. If I broke up with Jill and join Scott, I would actually be cool and popular, not just a loser that was forced to follow and obey everything Jill said, just because she wanted her old boyfriend back. This was a big opportunity for me; I would be in Scott's popular group and I would also be a pianist in a small time band.

This was what I exactly wanted from the start, to be known, to be popular and to have lots of friends.

"Dan...?" someone quietly said behind me, pulling back to reality.

I slowly turned around and saw Phil, his face completely pale with dark circles around his eyes, he looked completely exhausted. "Can we go home?"

"Umm…" I _did_ tell him we would go home together but I didn't want to leave yet, I still wanted to talk to Scott and the others.

"Oh my god, look who it is…" one of Scott's friends said, an evil smile creeping on his face, "it's the fag from school."

"Oh yeah!" another friend said, surprised.

"Was he the guy who offered to carry the other guy's books and walked him to his class?"

"Yup, that's him."

"He was also the guy who cleaned off paint from the same guy's face in the bathroom."

"Oh yeah, that was also them, wasn't it?"

"Hey, where's your boyfriend? You know, that curly haired queer?"

They all laughed hysterically, including Scott.

"Dan…" Phil repeat, clenching his jaw and standing strong.

"Howell…" Scott called, looking at me weirdly, "you know this guy?"

I didn't know what to say. I just stood there, stiff and completely speechless. Just a second ago, Scott was saying all these nice things to me, telling me to join their group because they felt bad about me, and the next second, they were calling my friend a fag.

This was bad. I was supposed to defend Phil, obviously, he was my friend. But at the same time, I didn't want Scott to lose interest in me. I still wanted him to accept me; I wanted him to be my friend. I didn't want to lose the opportunity to be popular and to be in a band.

"Dan, can we go home?" Phil said, more sternly.

"Leave him alone and go suck your boyfriend's dick in the toilets, yeah? You were doing that earlier, anyway." Kyle said, "Don't think we didn't see you fags run into the bathroom together and locking the door."

"Or maybe you're here looking for more cocks to suck?"

"Are you here to ask Howell if you could suck _his_ cock?"

"Dan." Phil strongly said, his voice quivering a bit.

"Howell?" Scott called back, looking at me with those wide, angry and judging eyes.

I whipped my head from Scott and Phil. My head was hurting; I didn't know what to do. I opened my mouth to say something, anything. "I-I don't-"

"If he _was_ here to suck Howell's dick, then wouldn't he be cheating on his boyfriend?"

"He would, wouldn't he?"

"Looks like we got ourselves a slut here, huh?"

"Hey, just to make this clear, Howell doesn't need you, alright? We're talking to him, so could you just fuck off already?" Scott spat at Phil.

"Dan-"

"Just- please!" I finally snapped. Everyone, even several people outside of the group, stopped talking and stared at the guy who shouted over the music. It was all too much to take, everyone talking for me, everyone calling Phil names and everyone, absolutely everyone in the room, looking at me, "Just fucking leave me alone already, Phil. Get out of here."

I saw it. The way Phil's face fell, the way the blue in his eyes faded, and I heard it, I heard his heart shattering into a million pieces. He had this specific expression on his face; it was like a mix of disappointment and heartbroken.

He slowly shook his head in disbelief as he looked at Scott and his friends beside me, looking like they were about to rugby tackle Phil. When his eyes returned to mine, his expression changed, his eyebrows furrowed and he glared angrily at me.

"Fuck you." He suddenly spat.

My heart twitched and my eyes flew wide open the second I heard it, I couldn't believe Phil would actually say that to me.

Before I could even take back what I said, Phil furiously walked away and everyone watched him as he opened the front door and stormed out of the party.

What have I done?

"Thank god he left us," Scott exhaled as the rest of his friends just laughed their asses off behind him, "I was about to- Howell?! Where are you going?!"

I pushed through the crowd, ignoring Scott and the others as I opened the front door and shut it behind me.

What was I thinking? Did I actually prefer to be with those assholes over Phil? Did I actually consider leaving Phil to be with Scott and the others? They insulted Phil, and I still stood by them, what the hell was wrong with me?

I was brought back to my senses when a cold breeze hit me; it was so dark and cold outside, why didn't I think to bring a coat? I wrapped my arms around my torso and looked around the area for Phil, he couldn't have gone far. "Phil?"

No answer, but I did spot a figure from a far on the side of the road, walking away pretty fast. It was him, it had to be.

"Phil!" I called out to him as I stepped off the porch. And as I crossed the front garden, the sky thundered loudly. Great.

The figure suddenly stopped and looked behind him, it _was_ Phil, but once he realised it was actually me calling after him, he turned away and began to walk even faster.

I walked behind him, trying to keep up with his pace but he was too fast. I couldn't run after him, he might run away and we might end up running around the neighborhood, chasing each other until we vomit blood. "Phil, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Go away." he quickly said, not looking behind him.

"Look, I'm so sorry. I should've have yelled at you like that." I said, trying to reach out to him, "C'mon, if you want to go home let's go this way-"

"I said, go away." Phil interrupted, sounding a bit more aggressive.

"Phil, c'mon, don't be like that, we can go-"

"Fuck's sake, leave me alone, Dan!" Phil suddenly shouted, looking over his shoulder, walking even faster than before, "You wanted to be left alone earlier, so I left. Why can't you do the same for me?"

I slowed down my pace, a bit taken back, but then I began to walk again, a little faster to try to catch up on him. "I said I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to say back there."

"'I didn't know what else to say'…" Phil mimicked under his breath in a mocking tone, "you just didn't want them to know you were friends with me."

I swallowed a lump in my throat as Phil turned to a corner, me following afterwards.

"You're ashamed to be friends with me," Phil asked, in the same angry tone, looking straight in front of him, "so you shouted at me, and humiliated me in front of _everyone_."

"I didn't mean to shout at you I was just…" I stopped myself. To be honest, what he said was partly true. I tried to drive Phil away because I didn't want Scott to think I was friends with him. What the hell was I thinking?

"Just go back to your asshole friends and leave me alone…" Phil said, in a strained voice.

"Phil…" I tried to walk faster but then I jumped when the sky thundered again, and this time, the rain poured down.

The hard drops of rain hit my head and body like bullets, making loud splashing noises as it hit the pavement.

"Fuck…" I muttered to myself as I put my hands above my head, trying to protect myself from the painful drops even though I already looked like a wet dog. I looked up at Phil, who was still walking fast as ever like he didn't even notice the rain, "Phil, it's raining now. We need to go home."

He didn't say anything; he just kept walking and ignoring my pleas.

"Phil." I called again, shouting through the rain.

He responded this time, but it wasn't the response I was hoping. He kept walking and he didn't look back but he held up his right arm behind him and raised a middle finger.

That was it.

"You know what, fuck you!" I angrily shouted, feeling the vain pop on my forehead and the adrenaline rushing through me, "I said I'm sorry. I'm already here for you, I left the party, I left those fuckers and now I'm walking in the rain to catch you just so we could go home now, what else do you fucking want?!"

No response, just the sound of our feet splashing against the wet pavement.

"Maybe they're right, maybe I don't need you. You have your own fucking friends, and you have your _precious_ PJ who you could snog whenever you want. You guys are having the time or your lives, aren't you? What the fuck do you need me for?"

Still no response.

"And you _were_ right, I didn't want them to know you were my friend because you're such a fucking baby, and they're way cooler than you. I have them now as my friends and you have that fucking curly haired bastard."

Still no response.

"So fuck you! Go home on your fucking own!" I finally shouted, my voice sounding a bit strained as I slowed down my pace, coming to a stop as I watched him walk away, there was no point in following him anymore.

I glanced back behind me, trying to catch my breath, thinking if I should go back to the party or just go home. Then I looked upfront, spotting Phil, who was still walking in the rain to god knows where.

I shook my head in disbelief as I raised my foot and ran after Phil, I didn't have much of a choice, what else was I supposed to do? I couldn't just leave things like that with Phil.

When I finally caught up with him, I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around.

"Hey-" I started, still sounding angry, but then stopped once I saw Phil's face.

His eyebrows were furrowed like before but his eyes were bloodshot red, stained with tears and rain water, and his lips were quivering, he looked like a total wreck.

My face softened and my heart broke, what the hell did I say to him?

" _Maybe they're right, maybe I don't need you."_

" _I didn't want them to know you were my friend because you're such a fucking baby_ _and they're way cooler than you."_

" _So fuck you!"_

"Oh no…" I softly muttered as I stared into Phil's tear stained eyes, "Phil, I'm so sorry; I didn't know what I was..."

Phil squeezed his eyes and looked down, not letting another single tear drop. He sniffled as he tried to pry himself away from my grip, but I didn't let him. I held his shoulder firmly and tried to make him look up at me again.

"Hey, I'm sorry…" I said in the softest tone.

I moved closer to him and hesitantly held out my hand to brush away the wet locks that were covering his face. He flinched a bit, but finally looked up me.

I gave him an apologetic smile as I nervously drew my hand away. He was looking less of a wreck now but his eyes were still red. I felt like a fucking ass saying all those things to Phil after Scott called him a faggot. What _was_ wrong with me?

"I didn't mean any of it, okay? I was just…" I trailed off when I noticed the way Phil looked at me.

His pupils were dilated, and his breath was uneven. I could feel it against my face; I didn't even realised how close we were standing in front of each other. His eyes then trailed down from my eyes to my lips and stayed there as he bit his lip.

The world sort of stopped, I couldn't hear the loud splashing of rain, all I could hear was the quick drumming of Phil's heartbeat, and mine slowly matching his. What was happening?

His eyes quickly darted back up and stared into mine, like he was searching for something. My throat suddenly felt dry as I saw him nervously swallow a lump in his throat.

Then it all happened in a second.

Phil quickly moved forward and pressed his lips against mine before I even had a time to respond.

My eyes shot wide open, I couldn't register what was happening, I couldn't think. I was just stood still, completely shocked. But when Phil's lips finally moved against mine, I just lost it.

I slowly closed my eyes and sighed into the kiss without another single thought. Our lips moved slowly together in sync and I could practically feel the butterflies going crazy in my stomach. I felt Phil's hand on my waist and pulled me even closer.

My mind went all fuzzy when I heard the soft smack of our lips, tasting the saltiness of the rain mixed in our kiss. He sucked on my lower lip and I let out a soft moan, giving him a chance to slip his tongue in my mouth.

I whimpered a bit when I felt Phil's tongue in my mouth all of the sudden, expertly sliding it against mine as his other hand came up and held my jaw. I suddenly became conscious of the fact that both my hands were just on either side of me, not doing anything at all. I moved them both on Phil's chest and gripped him by his collar, deepening the kiss as Phil moaned.

Everything just felt perfect, it felt so right.

The kiss began to get a little heated and it was then when I realised that Phil's mouth tasted surprisingly of Listerine, which was weird. It was probably from when he threw up in the toilets, he probably rinsed his mouth with Listerine about a thousand times because his lips and mouth had a strong taste of the mouth wash.

That was probably it, unless he and PJ did something else in the bathroom, which resulted him into rinsing his mouth with Listerine.

I quickly pushed that thought right at the back of my head and kissed more fiercely, I didn't want to have to imagine Phil and PJ in the bathroom, doing other 'things' as I talked to Scott in another room.

Wait. Scott. PJ. Phil.

_Phil_.

It then suddenly occurred to me that this was Phil, _Phil Lester_. The Phil who I got paired with in English class, the Phil who I spent all day with yesterday playing loads of video games and watching Wall-e.

Phil, my friend.

My _**guy** _ friend.

Once I've realised that, my eyes snapped open again and I pushed Phil away with all of my might as I tried to catch my breath.

"Phil…" I managed to breathe out as I stared at him with wide eyes, in total shock.

His lips were raw red and his face was flushed. He just looked at me weirdly, like he was figuring out what he did wrong. And then his eyes popped wide as one of his hands flew in front of his mouth in shock.

"Oh god…" he muttered loudly under his breath, realising just now what he had done, "Oh my god- I-I'm sorry Dan. I'm so sorry…"

He took a step back and stared at me with wide eyes, completely horrified, "Fuck… I shouldn't have…I-I'm really sorry, Dan. I'm really sorry."

And with that, he quickly turned around and ran away from me as far as possible until the darkness of the street engulfed him.

And I was just left there, in the middle of the dark streets, in the rain, to contemplate what had just happened.

Phil had just kissed me. He kissed me, we made out, in the rain, and I liked it.

_**I liked it.** _

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told ya it wouldn't take long :P here's an actual brand new chapter! (to be honest, I'm not very proud of this one) This was supposed to be longer, but the second half of this was kind of bad so I had to re write it, and I hope that wont take long... .-. but anyways, I hope you guys still enjoy it :) 
> 
> Thankyouthankyou SOOO much for the kudos and nice comments because WOW 100 kudos?! You guys are amazing! :'))

I didn't know how long I stood there, but once I could feel the hard drops of rain on my head again, I slowly brought my head up and wrapped my arms around myself. I felt so cold and wet, and I was starting to feel a bit lightheaded.

I looked around, where was I? The street wasn't familiar; we probably walked around somewhere random in the neighborhood, which wasn't good. How was I supposed to go back? Where was the street that led to the main road?

My head was starting to hurt and I was starting to panic, and the fact that I could still feel the butterflies stirring in my stomach wasn't helping.

I still couldn't comprehend what just happened. I could still taste the Listerine on lips, and the places where Phil touched me still burned despite the cold rain.

With a big sigh, I turned around and decided to just walk back. I could try to find my way to Chris' house again; we couldn't have gotten far from there, could we?

I couldn't help but look back as I walked, hoping that Phil was still close by. I wanted to know if he was alright, even thought I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to see him right now. I didn't even know where he's gone, and I felt extremely guilty letting him run off like that.

As I turned to a corner, a flash of someone's car headlights blinded me. The streets were dark, empty and quiet; I didn't really expect someone to be driving this late.

Holding my hands up from the blinding light as I continued walking, the person began to honk their car horn, like I was in the way (which I wasn't). "Dan!"

I was suddenly taken back, bringing my hands down to my sides. How did the guy know my name? I walked closer to the car, only to realise that it was Chris. "Chris?"

"Hey," he said, looking a bit concerned as he rolled his window down a bit further, "what are you doing out here? Are you alright- you're soaking."

"I was just… I was trying to go home and I think I kind of got lost on the way." I just said, looking down at my wet shoes.

Surprisingly (and thankfully), Chris didn't question anything else. I was obviously lying; I go to his house all the time and I know where to go when I wanted to go home. It didn't really make sense that I got lost.

"You need a lift then? I can drop you by to your house; I'm off to buy more drinks, anyway." Chris said, giving me a small smile.

"N-No, it's okay. I can find my way home, don't worry." I quickly said, shaking my head and shuffling my feet, "Besides, your seats would get wet."

"It's fine, it dries off quickly." Chris reassured, opening the door on the passengers seat, waiting for me to enter, "Now, c'mon, get in the car."

"Chris-"

"Look," Chris rumbled something from his jean pockets and pulled out a bunch of wrapped sweets, handing them to me, "I have candy."

I looked at Chris and chuckled, shaking my head in amusement. As I ignored his ' _Get in the van I have candy_ ' joke, I carefully stepped inside, trying my best not to soak the seat too much, and closed the door. And after Chris made sure I got comfortable in my seat, he drove off.

We didn't really say anything for several minutes, we just kind of sat there in silence, just listening to the sound of the rain hitting against Chris' windshield. After the silence became a bit unbearable, Chris finally spoke up, "I heard about what happened at the party. You and Phil had a bit of a fight?"

I shuffled awkwardly in my seat, not really wanting to talk about it. "I-It was really nothing; you guys don't have to make a big deal out of it…"

"Some people said there was shouting and Phil stormed out, and you followed him," Chris said, raising an eyebrow, "what happened? Are you guys okay?"

"It was _nothing_." I pushed, sounding a bit angry again. I took a deep breath and sighed, trying to calm down, "I just… accidentally shouted at him and said some stuff I really shouldn't have said. But really, it was nothing."

"Okay." Chris nodded, understanding the fact that I didn't want to talk about it, and continued to drive without saying another word.

I leaned back further into my seat and stared out the window, the silence leaving me to my thoughts.

I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. How it made my stomach churn, how Phil's lips felt, how Phil's warm body felt against mine in the middle of the cold rain.

It felt so nice. But it was so wrong.

Because first of all, he was a _guy_. And second of all, I was with Jill. I couldn't cheat on her, even if I didn't really know the situation between us, I couldn't do that to her.

And why would Phil kiss me? Did he have feelings for me?

And why did I like it?

I let out a big yawn and leaned my head against the window, my head was still hurting and I still felt wet and cold. I didn't want to think about this right now. I wanted to rest; I wanted to go to sleep. I was so tired; my brain felt like it was melting.

My eyes were beginning to drop and I was starting to drift off when Chris said, "Dan? We're here."

I lifted my head off the window and looked outside, seeing my house. "Oh…" I turned to Chris and gave him a tired smile, "Thanks you so much, Chris."

Chris smiled back and shrugged, "Ehh, it's no problem. Just take care, okay?"

"Yeah, you too." I said as I opened the car door and stepped out of the vehicle.

"Good night." Chris quickly said before I closed the door.

I gave him one last tired smile and said, "Good night,", as I slowly closed the car door and watched him drive away before I walked up to my house and unlocked the door, closing it behind me afterwards.

I leaned against the door and sighed, staring at the dark hallway and giving myself a moment before going upstairs.

After I finally regained myself, I went upstairs, into the bathroom and stripped out of my wet clothes as I entered the shower, hoping that I wouldn't catch a cold the next day.

I couldn't stop thinking about Phil; I was so worried about him. I hope he didn't get lost or get stabbed on his way home.

Feeling clean, I turned the water off and wrapped a towel around my waist as I picked up my wet clothes on the floor, when I felt a heavy lump within them. I searched for it and found my phone in my jeans pocket, it was a bit damp but it was surprisingly still working.

When I opened my phone, there were four unread messages from Jill, probably asking where I've gone or what the hell happened at the party. I didn't really want to talk to her right now, but I had to say something, she could be worried. _Could_.

' _ **i went home im sorry, i'll see u tomorrow ok?**_ _'_

Once I sent the message, I stood up, with the phone in hand and wet clothes in the laundry, and headed towards my room where everything was a bit warmer. I brought out my sleep wear and my thickest hoodie from the wardrobe and wore it to keep myself warm.

Before I dived head first into my warm bed, a bunch of notebooks from the desk caught my attention. And with the English notebook on top of everything, I suddenly remembered…

"Oh shit…" I muttered to myself. We haven't finished the essay yet and tomorrow was the due date. I have to finish it, even without Phil's help, there were only a few more words to fill in, it shouldn't be a problem. I could do it, even though my head still felt a bit fuzzy from all the alcohol that I drank earlier, I could still do it.

And with that, I sat in front of my desk, brought out a pen and opened my notebook, trying to think of something to just mindlessly fill the remaining hundred words whilst I try to keep my eyelids from closing.

  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
"Mr. Howell, we're so glad you could join us today…" Mrs. Rouline said in a monotone voice, looking at me with her dull but furious eyes as I interrupted her class by suddenly bursting through her door.

"I'm so sorry, Ma'am…" I panted, feeling a bit intimidated with everyone's eyes on me and still feeling a bit out of breath after I sprinted all the way from my house to class because I forgot to set the alarm last night and accidentally overslept.

"Just take your seat." Mrs. Rouline angrily breathed out and turned back to the board.

I shyly nodded at her and quickly walked over and sat down to the seat next to Kyle.

He didn't say anything; he wouldn't even look at me. I guess Scott and his friends lost interest in me when I chased after Phil from the party, which I didn't really blame them. Why would they be interested in me in the first place? I wouldn't be surprised if they start to bully me or beat me up.

I lazily brought out my notebook and began to take a few notes from the board, still feeling a bit sleepy. I was kind of relieved when I finally finished the essay last night even though my head was on the verge of face planting the desk, and it was a good thing I didn't get a hangover.

I wondered if Phil decided to finish the essay by himself as well? I guess we'll just have to talk and compare our answers together and decide which answer worked best.

Speaking of Phil, I knew I had to talk to him today. I couldn't avoid him and I couldn't just run away; I _have_ to talk to him about the kiss last night. That could might as well been a drunken mistake, but he seemed sober enough to do it. He even apologised after wards, he knew what he did.

I just have to talk to him.

  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
In lunch, I tried my best to avoid being seen by Jill. I didn't really feel like talking to her (or anyone at all at this point). But unfortunately, I couldn't avoid her either.

"Dan? Come seat over here!" she called out from a table.

I turned my head and gave her a tired smile as I walked over to her table and sat down between her and Chris, who gave me a small reassuring smile.

"Are you alright? You look a little sick." Jill asked.

"I'm okay. I'm just a little sleepy; I didn't get much sleep last night." I explained, taking a bite of my sandwich.

"Alright," she nodded, "okay, so speaking of last night, what the hell happened at that party? Why did you leave me alone?"

I tried to hold back a groan; this was exactly why I didn't want to talk to her today. I didn't want to talk about the fight last night to anyone but Phil; it was mine and Phil's business. "Look, I _really_ don't want to talk about it okay? And I'm so sorry for leaving you at the party; you seemed to be having fun there without me, anyway."

"Wha- that's not true!" Jill suddenly exclaimed, "I had no one to hold hands with and kiss. My lips felt lonely and my hands felt cold, I needed you there, Dan."

In the corner of my eye, I could see Chris rolling his eyes in an exaggerated manner.

"Just tell me what the hell happened at the party. People were saying that there was screaming, and someone stormed out and you followed them. Who was it Dan? Was it a girlfriend? Are you seeing someone behind my back? Did she shout out at you and stormed out because she saw you were with me?!"

"Jill, can we please-"

"No, who was it, Dan? Who?!"

"Jill, that's enough." Chris sternly said, looking at Jill with furrowed eyebrows, "He said he doesn't want to talk about it, just leave him alone."

Jill looked a bit taken back, but then she cleared her throat and readjusted her seat.

"Fine." she simply said as she turned and began talking to her other friends in the table, who were looking a bit uncomfortable with all the shouting earlier in the conversation. "So do you girls think I should dye my hair blue-y green?"

I decided to leave their conversation and turn to Chris to give him a small smile. "Thanks Chris…"

"It's alright." he smiled back as he patted my shoulder reassuringly.

**  
*~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
As I made my way to English class and sat on my usual seat, I suddenly realised that I haven't seen Phil in school all day today.

I didn't see him in the corridors, in the canteen, outside the school gates. Did he skip school today? It would make sense; he probably didn't want to see me either after what happened last night.

It was either that or he wasn't able to get home last night, and now he was lost and missing and oh god- he was probably stabbed or murdered or kidnapped or something. What have I done? I shouldn't have left him alone last night.

I shook my head. What the hell was I thinking? I shouldn't over think this. Phil was fine; he probably just skipped school to avoid me. I hope that was it. I hope he wasn't kidnapped or something.

"Okay class," Mr. Flare began as he entered the room, oblivious to the absence of one of his students, "now, I assume everyone has finished their essays by now. If not, you still have a bit of time, I'll get them by the end of class, okay?"

Everyone grunted in response.

"Alright then, let's begin." and with that, he started his lesson.

  
***~*~*~*~*~*~***

  
After an hour long of writing down notes, staring out the window and worrying about Phil, the bell rung and Mr. Flare finally said, "Okay, I think that's all for today, hand me all your essays on the way out of the door."

With that, everyone began to pack up their stuff and head out the door, handing their essays before they left the room. I took out the paper, where I transferred the essay to from my notebook, and hastily went up to the front and gave it to Mr. Flare.

"Sorry if the paper's a bit wrinkled." I mumbled shyly.

"That's fine, Dan, but where's Phil? Do you know why he isn't present today?" Mr. Flare asked. I guess he _did_ notice Phil's empty seat.

"He's at home, he says he's not feeling very well." someone suddenly said from behind. I turned around and saw PJ, trying to get to his essay out of his bag.

_Wait, how did_ he _know? Why hasn't Phil said anything to_ me _?_

The sudden rush of jealousy boiled in my veins again. How the hell did PJ know that Phil was sick? Did Phil tell him? Why didn't he tell me? I was so worried about him.

"Oh, well I hope he gets better." Mr. Flare simply said as he took PJ's paper.

"He's sick?" I asked PJ with a sincere look.

He just nodded at me. "Yeah, I'm off to visit him later."

And there was that jealousy feeling again.

I just stood there and watched PJ swing his backpack over his shoulder and began to walk out of the room.

When he brushed pass me, I heard him quietly say, "You should too." before exiting out the door.

I began to leave the room as well and thought about what PJ said.

_'You should too'_ , I was planning on visiting Phil anyway, there was so much to talk and explain about. We couldn't just pretend that the kiss never happened. It wasn't a funny, drunken kiss, it felt real, I felt emotions and actual passion in the kiss like he's been waiting his entire life to do that.

And with those thoughts, I exited the school gates and began to walk to Phil's apartment building.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back? I'm trying my best to update this as frequently as I can so I'm so sorry if some chapters are a bit crappy, but I'm trying my best to make them not crappy as much as possible. I don't really know how I feel about this chapter, but I really hope you guys like it anyway :)

The lift up to Phil's apartment was extremely slow, like it was preparing me for the final boss battle in a video game, the anticipation was killing me.

But when the elevator finally pinged on the designated floor and the doors opened, my stomach dropped; this was it. I slowly walked up in front of his apartment door, with a small plastic bag at hand which contained cup noodles that I bought for Phil on the way, and knocked on the door, my palms suddenly feeling sweaty and my heart beating fast.

When the door opened, I was met with the sweet face of Mrs. Lester, smiling at me brightly. "Dan! What a lovely surprise."

I was a bit confused, I didn't really expect her to greet me with smiles and open arms after I practically ditched her son yesterday in the dark streets (and in the rain) after I invited him over to a house party. I thought she would've been all 'mother bear' on me and would like, smack me out of her sight and then tell me to never see her son ever again.

_I guess not._

"Hi Mrs. Lester," I smiled back, "how's Phil? I heard he was sick."

"He's doing okay. His fever's a bit high but he'll be okay in a few days," Phil's mum said, "you want to see him? Just don't get too close to him or you'll get a cold too."

She was letting me see her son? Why wasn't she mad at me? Did she know that Phil was left in the rain last night? Did Phil tell her that I invited him to a party? Did she _know_ how he got sick?

Did Phil tell her anything _at all_?

"Y-Yeah okay." I nervously said as I pushed those thoughts aside, still smiling as Phil's mum moved and gestured me in. I handed her the plastic bag, "I bought Phil some chicken soup."

"Oh, how sweet of you, Dan." Phil's mum grinned, "Now c'mon, Phil's in here."

I quickly took off my shoes, lined them up by the door and followed Phil's mum. She knocked quietly on, what I assumed was, Phil's door. "Philip?"

"Yeah?" I heard him answer inside.

She opened the door and smiled at him as I stayed behind her, out of Phil's sight, "How 'you feeling, love?"

"Better than this morning, I guess." I heard him chuckle.

"That's good. You have a visitor, by the way." Phil's mum beamed, which made my stomach churn. She stepped away from the door a bit and I walked into view, poking my head inside and seeing Phil on his bed, wearing a big green hoodie, with big wonky glasses and with his hair all messed up.

When I came into view, his eyes grew wide. I heard him suck his breath and his face suddenly got a bit paler. He looked really tense so I decided to give him a small smile. "Hey." I shyly said as I stepped inside.

"Hi…" he said in a small voice as he slowly closed the book he was reading.

"Dan's such a dear; he bought you some chicken soup. I'll go ahead and prepare this for you, okay?" Phil's mum enthusiastically said, "I'll check on you boys later."

"O-Okay…" Phil managed to mutter before his mum closed the door, and we were left alone in the room, awkward silence quickly filling in.

I awkwardly shuffled my feet and looked around the room, seeing that there were no more boxes anymore and everything seemed to be in place.

"So umm, how are you?" I started, breaking the unbearable silence.

Phil slowly looked up at me and lazily shrugged. "Well uhh, I woke up this morning with the worst headache in the entire universe, and then my whole body felt rubbish and now I sound like a goose. But all in all, I think I'm okay now."

I slowly nodded at him. "I-I see- I hope you get better."

I looked around nervously, pulled out his desk chair and sat on it, facing Phil.

"How was the essay? Did you submit it?" Phil asked, staring down at his book, completely avoiding eye contact, as his fingers played with the duvet of his bed.

"Yeah, I filled in a few more words to make it a thousand, but it was fine." I reassured.

"Thank god." Phil breathed out in relief as he fiddled awkwardly with his fingers, sniffing a bit.

I stared at the orange book on his bed for a second, which had the words 'Stephen King' printed in huge letters and the word 'Cell' underneath it. I never thought that Phil would be into horror and supernatural fiction.

The air between us felt extremely heavy, and the painful silence slowly filled in again. He hasn't said anything about last night yet, and he was obviously avoiding the subject. There was no use in avoiding it anymore; we need to fucking talk about it.

"Okay, so about what happened last night, after the party…" I said in an exasperated sigh, like something inside me just unclogged and everything, every emotion that I've held inside began to pour out. I looked at him expectedly, waiting for an explanation.

He glanced up at me for a second before staring back blankly at his duvet. "I don't remember what happened last night."

I suddenly felt a twinge in my heart as I stared at him in confusion, "You what?"

He looked up at me properly and merely shrugged. "I don't remember what happened at the party last night. I got really drunk and I don't remember what happened after I had like, my sixth drink…"

My hands started to subconsciously clutch on my school trousers. There was no way he forgot everything, maybe he was just lying so we didn't have to talk about it anymore. His hands were slightly shaking as he intertwined them together with his own and he was looking down, completely voiding eye contact. Definitely lying.

"Phil…" I softly sighed, trying to make him look up at me again. He looked so scared, but he shouldn't be. I wasn't mad about the kiss; I was just a bit confused, left out in the dust. I just needed an explanation.

He slowly lifted his head and glanced at me, he looked so small and fragile in his giant hoodie. I suddenly had the sudden urge to go over there and hug him.

"Why did you kiss me?" I asked, in the softest voice, looking at him in the eyes before he quickly stared down at his duvet again.

He stayed quite for a few seconds before I saw him clench his fist against the duvet, "I-I don't know..."

"Do you…" my heartbeat suddenly exhilarated as I took a big breath, "do you like me?"

Silence.

Phil just stared blankly at his fingers with an unreadable expression. Seconds felt like hours with the heavy silence. He needs to fucking say something, the silence was killing me. "Phil, answer me. You're making this harder than it already is-"

"Yes. Okay?" Phil suddenly said as he looked at me properly, his voice cracking despite the slight anger in his voice.

I was taken back with the way his voice sounded. My palms felt sweaty again and my throat went dry.

He sighed for a moment to calm himself down, I guess he didn't want to start arguing again after our recent argument last night (which, of course, resulted into the very reason why I was here right now, to talk about it).

"I like you…" he muttered, looking down at his fingers again.

I swallowed a lump in my throat and shuffled around my seat. "H-How?"

Phil scoffed, making me realise how stupid my question was. "How? I have no idea, Dan. Maybe it's the way you smile, the way your dimple pops out. Or maybe it's your laugh…" he paused, his cheeks turning a bit red when he suddenly realised what he was saying, but for some reason, he couldn't stop, "or how you're so nice to me, or how adorable you are when you fanboy over nerdy stuff…"

My heart thumped loudly in my chest as I heard Phil say all those things, and I was pretty my face was as red as a tomato. I bit my lip as I watched him pull his legs up to his body, making himself look smaller than before.

"Or…" he muttered to himself, "maybe it's because you're…the most…"

Phil let out a shaky breath and quickly buried his face in his hands, his glasses painfully pressing up against his face, "Oh god, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said all of that...t-that was just-" he sunk lower in his bed in embarrassment. "Fuck, that was creepy…" he muffled into his hands.

My throat felt really dry, I didn't really know what to say after all of that. "When…?" I managed to croak out.

I heard Phil sigh in his hands as he slowly shook his head. "I don't know when…"

His hands slowly slid away from his face as stared at the wall beside him, "I mean, would you know the _exact_ moment when you start to fall in-" he quickly stopped himself, stuttering as he tried to find another word, "w-when you start to like someone?"

My eyes widened in surprise. _"When you start to fall in-"_ Fall in love? Was Phil in love with me?

"W-Well no, you wouldn't." Phil continued, "Bells will not be ringing, there's no one there to tell you when you start to like someone in _that_ way. And you can't force yourself to like someone. It just… happens. It will always catch you by surprise."

He looked down at his duvet again and nervously played with his fingers. "I-I didn't know exactly when I… started to like you," he whispered the last sentence shyly, "I just came to a sudden realisation that… I do."

And with that, everything went silent. Phil was just sat there, staring at his fingers and nervously biting his lip. And I was there, just going through what Phil had just said, taking all of it in.

I didn't know what to say, or do, or even feel. It was all too overwhelming; from the moment Phil kissed me last night to the moment where he confessed to me today. I came in here to clear up some things, to get a weight off my chest. But now that things _were_ cleared up, the weight on my chest still remained for some reason, if anything, it just got heavier.

What was our situation now? Are we still going to be friends? Are we just going to brush this whole thing off like it was nothing? Am _I_ just going to brush his feelings for me like it was nothing?

" _When you start to fall in-"_ That kept ringing in my head. There was the possibility that Phil didn't just like me, he was _in love_ with me. And that was a strong enough emotion for me to not just 'brush it off like it was nothing'.

But what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to feel about that? How was I supposed to feel about _him_? My head was starting to hurt, my stomach still felt like they were under attack by butterflies, and my eyes were beginning to feel hot. I didn't know what to do, what was happening to me? Why was I feeling like this?

I swallowed another lump in my throat and opened my mouth to say something, realising how dry my mouth was. "I-I think I have to go…"

In the corner of my eye, I could see Phil quickly snapping his head up in surprise; I couldn't bare myself to look at him right now. I stared at the door, feeling the hot tears forming in my eyes, willing them to not drop, as I stood up from Phil's desk chair.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I can't do this right now," I breathed out as I walked to the door, "I-I have to think- I need some time to think."

As I reached the door, I took a deep breath and glanced at Phil for a few seconds, almost completely regretting it when I saw him with his mouth slightly agape, and with tears hanging from the brim of his eyes. He looked completely heartbroken.

I quickly pulled my eyes away from him and stared back at the door in front of me. "I'm so sorry, Phil." I choked one last time before opening the door and closing it behind me, not taking another chance to look at Phil's painful expression.

"Oh Dan, leaving already?" Phil's mum suddenly said as she entered the hallway and walked towards me, making me jump a bit.

I turned to her and gave her the brightest smile I could pull, hoping that she didn't notice that I was about to tear up earlier. "Y-Yeah, I'm sorry but I have some important things to do. And plus, you know, school work."

Phil's mum smiled back at me and just nodded. "Ah, that's okay, I understand. Thanks again for visiting Phil."

"It's no problem, really." I reassured as we walked to the front door and I quickly put on my shoes.

"You're such a good friend. You can come visit Phil anytime, okay?" Phil's mum said as she opened the door for me.

I suddenly felt another twinge in my heart. But none the less, I gave a small smile to Phil's mum before looking down at the ground; I couldn't keep up with this act. "Y-Yeah, okay." I said as I walked out of the door.

"Bye, Dan." she smiled.

"Bye." I said before Phil's mum finally closed the door, the feeling of relief washing over me.

I hastily walked up to the lift and pressed the down button. It only took a few seconds for the doors to opened, revealing an empty room. I walked inside, pressed the lobby button and leaned against the cold steel wall as the doors closed me in, leaving me alone to myself.

The image of Phil's face before I left his room wouldn't leave my mind. He looked so sad and heartbroken, and it was because of _me_. I just left him without an answer, he confessed to me and I _left_ him.

I kept making him sad, I kept making him cry and I kept breaking his heart, from last night when I said some things to him in the rain, to when I left him after he confessed his feelings for me today. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I doing this to Phil?

" _You're such a good friend."_

I let out a shaky breath when I felt a single tear run down my cheek as Phil's mum's words rang in my head.

_I'm the worse person in the entire world._

I covered my mouth to muffle my small sobs and squeezed my eyes together, feeling a few more tears run down my face.

_Fucking hell, what am I going to do?_

When the elevator pinged at the designated floor, I quickly wiped my face and fixed my hair, making sure I didn't look like I just cried. As the doors opened, I was suddenly face to face with a certain curly haired boy at the elevator doors, and my brown, red rimmed eyes were suddenly locked with bright, piercing green ones.

_PJ._

We held our gaze for a few seconds. At first, he looked surprised to even see me in Phil's apartment building because wow, I _actually_ went to go and visit Phil. But then he looked confused, and a bit concerned, with the fact that my eyes were a bit red and puffy.

I quickly broke our gaze and walked out of the elevator, brushing pass him, who still looked confused and worried, and exited the building, walking straight home. I didn't want to deal with him right now after Phil.

I needed some time alone. I need to fucking _think_.


	12. (Phil's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to upload, a lot of things got in the way (those include a bit of a writer's block, my computer dying which led me into re-writing some things again, and me finishing The Evil Within 4 days after I bought it {I ship Joseb so much help me})
> 
> But anyways, here's the new chapter and I hope you like it, it's in Phil's POV but I wrote it in 3rd person because it was easier. And I also wrote it in a bit of a rush so I dunno if it's good or not, but I hope you guys like it anyway :)
> 
> ALSO: THE EVAN IN THIS CHAPTER IS NOT EVAN EDINGER OR EVEN EVAN PETERS. I JUST LIKE THE NAME EVAN ON SOME CUTE BLONDE GUY K?

**_Four weeks ago_ **

Phil was nervous, to say the least. He counted every step he took from his own house to the one he was going to.

 _This was it, it's now or never_ , he thought. His stuff was all packed up, everything inside his house were in boxes, and he already said his goodbyes to all his friends, he even said goodbye to the park where he used to pass off majority of his free time.

He was ready to move to Manchester, but there was just one more thing he had to do. One more person he had to see.

When Phil finally arrived at his friend's house, he walked up to the front door and nervously knocked, hoping someone would actually hear his timid knocking.

Thankfully someone did. The doors opened and there he was faced with a guy, about his height, with a messy looking quiff that suited his dirty blonde hair, wearing a loose white shirt that showed off his collar bones and tired-looking green eyes behind his black Ray Ban glasses, "Phil?"

Phil gave him a shy smile. "Hey, Evan."

"What are you doing here? I thought you left a few hours ago?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

"Actually, we're not moving until tomorrow." Phil said, now feeling a lot more nervous and a bit disheartened with the way Evan greeted him, "I-I was actually wondering if we could, you know, hang out a bit for the last time."

Evan narrowed his eyes at Phil and glanced around the house behind him. When he turned back to Phil, he let out a sigh and gestured him in, "Yeah, sure- whatever. Come in."

Phil gave him another nervous smile as he entered the house, Evan closing the door behind him.

"'You doing anything?" Phil asked as his friend led him to his room down the hall, noticing that the house was practically empty, which didn't surprise Phil. Evan's parents were both hard workers, his mum being a nurse and his dad being a doctor. They both worked at the same hospital and they were almost never home.

"Well no, not really. I was just reading an article on the internet about Volcanic Lightning." Evan said, scratching the back of his neck as he opened the door to his very messy bedroom, completely littered with books and clothes. "You know, a thunderstorm forming inside a volcanic plume."

"Oh yeah, I think I've read about those." Phil said, catching up to him, "How do those things even work?"

"'Dunno, that's why I'm reading about it. I need to know the science behind it." Evan yawned as he reproached his laptop on his unmade bed.

Phil smiled to himself. Evan had always been the science-y kind of guy. He was so obsessed and fascinated by science and how it worked; it was one of the many reasons why he was always at the top of the class. And it was also one of the reasons why Phil liked him.

Phil had to admit though, while Evan was Mr. Know-it-all, he was also a bit of a jerk. Well, 'jerk' being an understatement, he was a bit of an asshole. With his charming looks and his big brain, he couldn't all be perfect; he had to have some flaws. He was an egotistical sociopath who never really acknowledged or thought about other people's feelings. And this was why Phil never thought about confessing his feelings for him. Until now.

To be honest, Phil didn't really know why he had feelings for him in the first place. It just occurred to him in that one time when he and Evan both reached for the same can of Coke and accidentally brushed fingers, which suddenly sent butterflies into Phil's stomach. And he was also well aware of Evan's opinion on 'love' and how he viewed it, so Phil wasn't so keen about telling him how he felt. But it was worth a shot, maybe confessing his feelings to Evan might change his views on 'love'.

Evan wasn't much of an asshole towards Phil. In fact, he just treated him as a normal friend would, with friendly banters and friendly disputes. So maybe, just _maybe_ , he would be okay with Phil's feelings.

"So what do you wanna do?" Evan asked as he lay down on his bed and stretched his back.

Phil bit his lip as he felt his heartbeat exhilarate. _Oh god, I'm actually going to do this._ Phil nervously thought. "Well, actually, umm… I want to talk to you."

Evan raised an eyebrow at Phil as he slowly sat up on his bed, noting the serious tone in Phil's voice. "Okay… what about?"

"Umm…" Phil sat at the edge of the bed and nervously played with the zipper on his opened black jacket, "Are we still going to be friends even after I leave?"

Evan furrowed his eyebrows again and looked at Phil weirdly. "Yeah? Of course we will."

Phil looked at him and gave him a sad smile, but then dropped his head and stared at his own hands. "Are you even gonna miss me?"

A bit confused, Evan sat properly on his bed and nibbled on his lower lip as he stared at Phil. "Well uh, I kinda don't want to admit it… but yeah, maybe."

_Maybe._

"Where are these questions even coming from, Phil?" Evan asked as he shifted himself nearer to Phil and sat cross-legged.

"It's just-…" Phil slowly shook his head and sighed, intertwining his fingers with his own, "I don't know, sometimes I feel like you don't even consider me as a friend."

Now Evan was a lot _more_ confused. "Wha- okay…" he scooted next to Phil and patted his shoulder, noticing the sad aura his friend was giving out, and cleared his throat, "Do you know how many friends I have, Phil?"

Phil's heart thumped faster when he felt Evan's hand on his shoulder. "I-I don't know… ten? Twenty?"

"One." Evan stated as he felt Phil beginning to tense up, "And do you have any idea who that might be?"

Phil suddenly felt his cheeks heat up, the warm feeling spreading through his chest. "…w-who?"

Evan chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. "You, Phil."

Phil's head snapped up and stared at Evan, feeling his heart flutter even more with the way Evan was smiling at him.

"And do you know why I only have one friend?" Evan asked again as his hand slowly slipped down from Phil's shoulder, "Because I _hate_ people."

Phil was taken back a bit by that last sentence.

"They're all the same," Evan continued as he stared up at the ceiling, "with all their alcohol and house parties and 'guess who got laid last night?!'. Our generation is de-evolving, everyone's becoming dumber- they're becoming more stupid, more and more dull. But I know better than that. That's why I don't have 'friends'. I don't want to be dumbed down; I want to become one of the greats. Einstein, Newton. I would never achieve their level of intelligence when I have someone dragging me down, and that's what people don't understand about me. I never let anyone get in the way of that."

 _An egotistical sociopath indeed,_ Phil thought.

"But you," Evan suddenly smiled, staring back at Phil and throwing his arm around his shoulder in a friendly manner, shaking him a bit in an attempt to cheer him up, "somehow, _you_ managed to latch on into my life. And I let you, because you know why?"

Phil swallowed a lump in his throat when he realised how close Evan's face was to his, he could almost feel his warm breath. He stared into his eyes and urged him to continue.

"Because you're different," Evan simply said, "you actually understand me. You believe, agree and encourage my theories even if people call bullshit on them. You see actual potential in me, and that, I appreciate, whereas other people just see me as fucking weirdo with bad intentions. We're both on the same track; we both have the same state of mind.

"So… I'm actually glad to have you as a friend." Evan finished as the corner of his lips turned up.

Phil's heart thumped even louder, he could practically hear it (and he hoped Evan couldn't). He sucked in a breath when he felt Evan's hand slide a bit down from his shoulder to his arm and squeezed it for reassurance. Phil couldn't breath, Evan's arm was around him, their faces were close and their bodies were basically pressed together, he could feel Evan's body warmth radiating from him.

He has to say it and he needs to say it _now_.

"E-Evan, I…" he nervously stuttered, clearing his throat as he stared into Evan's eyes, "I-I think… I think I'm in love with you."

There it was, he finally dropped the bomb and now he was waiting for the explosion. And it came slower than Phil expected. Evan's face slowly fell and he moved his arm away from Phil. He shifted away from him and stood up, walking into a corner of the room with a vacant expression, his eyebrows furrowed a bit.

Phil knew Evan would react like this, but that didn't stop him from feeling uneasy. Evan hasn't said anything in awhile; he was just in the corner of the room, turned away from Phil, staring down at the floor with one hand on the wall and one hand resting on his hip.

Phil was becoming more nervous by the second. He slowly stood up from the bed and tried to approach Evan as cautiously as he could. "Evan, I'm not really expecting—"

"Just- shut the fuck up for a second and stay where you are. Don't come any closer." Evan suddenly hissed, his backed still turned to Phil.

Phil flinched and quickly stopped his tracks, leaving him standing in the middle of the room with his hands shaking.

"Fucking hell, Phil…" Evan breathed out, turning his head around to take a quick glance at Phil and then turned back to the wall, shaking his head in disappointment, "I should've fucking known. Why in the world did I ever think you were different? You're just like everyone else…"

Phil clenched his fists and swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he watched his friend turn his head a bit towards him.

" _You_ were dragging me down, dumbing me like everyone else would and I didn't even notice. And then you come in here, and tell me that you're _in love_ with me?" Evan let out a bitter chuckle, "Don't make me fucking laugh…"

Phil chest tightened and he could feel the tears on the brim of his eyes, but he wasn't going down that easily. He was finally putting his foot down, "You know what, Evan? No."

Evan's head quickly snapped in Phil's direction, looking confused and surprised.

"I wasn't ' _dragging you down'_. But come to think of it, maybe I was, because you know why? Because you're head is so big it practically lifted your feet off the ground and I had to _'drag you back down'_. You're so full of yourself, all you think about is _you_ and what's best for _you_. You think you're above everyone else, you think you're better than them." Phil shouted, "You know, I had to ask myself, every fucking day, why I even fell in love with you in the first place—"

"That's bullshit, stop saying that!" Evan interrupted, turning his body and finally facing Phil, "You're not _'in love'_ with me, love doesn't fucking exist, it's just a chemical reaction in your brain, it's an illusion and nothing else. People like you tend to glorify it as something much more, something so deep, something ' _we'_ couldn't understand.

"When people they love each other, they're only after one thing. Being _'in love'_ with someone- saying you _'love'_ them is lie; it's just a fucking excuse to say you want to fuck. It's an excuse to repopulate- to make the world bigger." Evan sneered, "I thought you, of all people, would know that. But then again, you're not like me; you're just like one of those dumb fucks."

Phil bit his lip so hard it he could almost taste blood. He was furious but at the same time, his heart was thumping painfully, "Yeah? Okay then, if love is just an excuse to _'repopulate the earth'_ then how do you explain me? I'm in love with you and we're both guys. We both have cocks; we can't 'repopulate the earth'."

Evan eyed Phil for a second and swallowed a lump in his throat as he thought of an answer. "It's the same thing; you still want to have sex with me. And it makes it even worse because I'm a guy and it doesn't even matter to you." He slowly shook his head in disappointment and stared at Phil with look of repulsion, "I guess I was right, you _are_ different. But not the kind I'd say would be the 'good kind'…you disgust me…"

Evan rejecting Phil (in a harsh way) was one thing, but being repelled and disgusted by him because of his sexuality was another. And as much as Phil wanted to be a man of steel, he couldn't help but be hurt at what Evan said.

"Get out…" Evan suddenly hissed after a pause. He turned away from Phil again and clenched his fist angrily, "Get the fuck out of my house… I don't want you here anymore…"

Phil did nothing else but obliged. He held in his tears and kept his head high as he promptly walked out of his friend's room and out the door without another word.

Once he made it out of the house, he slowed down his pace and took a deep breath when he felt tears beginning to stream down his face. He quickly wiped them away, not before slipping in a few sobs.

 _This is so stupid, stop crying in public,_ he scolded himself. Of course, _of course_ Evan had to react like that and then threw him out afterwards. Hell, he probably didn't want to see Phil ever again after this. He should've known better than to tell Evan his feelings, but maybe this was for the best. Maybe this was a wake up call, telling Phil that he fell in love with the wrong person. And it seemed as though Phil had no other choice but to accept that.

It was a good thing he was moving out then; he didn't exactly want to face Evan in another day.

What a hell of a goodbye.

 **~*~*~*~*~*~** _  
_

_**Present** _

Phil woke up with a start.

He slowly opened his eyes and saw his dark room, how long was he asleep? He took a nap after PJ left, what time was it?

Phil slowly sat up and reached for his phone, wincing at the bright screen as he opened it. _8:50 pm._ He let out a small sigh and dropped his head back down his pillow, still feeling the painful throb in his head as he stared blankly at his ceiling.

He had that dream. After about a month of finally repressing that memory, it _had_ to come back and haunt him. Dreams weren't supposed to be like that, dreams were supposed to be you, exploring fictional representations in your own little imaginative world that you've inevitably created, _not_ re-living past events that actually happened in your own life, especially not the ones you've buried deep _deep_ down inside the recesses of your brain.

And why did he had to have it _now_? It was just making him feel worse with all the things happening between him and Dan. And _of course_ , all thoughts _had_ to circle back to Dan.

What was he going to do now? He didn't want the situation that happened with Evan to repeat with Dan, but it was probably too late now. He scared Dan away, and it was all because he was trying to forget about him by drinking his problems away, and look where it got him. He's so fucking pathetic.

" _Stop saying that, stop beating yourself up, Phil. That's_ not _helping."_

The sincere voice of PJ from their conversation earlier rang in Phil's head; maybe he should try to listen to PJ for once. Well, on the bright side, the situation wasn't _as_ bad as Evan's, but of course it still left him with a tight chest.

Phil's thoughts were immediately interrupted when he heard his door creak open. He whipped his head to the door and saw a slightly blurry figure of his mum, who was peeking her head inside.

"Ah, you're awake." she smiled as she flickered the lights on beside the door, practically blinding Phil (well, he was already pretty much blind anyway), "Dinner's almost ready, Philip, but do you want me to bring you some chicken soup before dinner?"

Phil shifted himself on his bed and sat up, giving his mum a tired smile. He _was_ pretty hungry, "Yes, please."

His mum nodded at him before leaving the door and coming back with the chicken soup on a tray. She made her way towards Phil and set the tray down on the foot of the bed. "There you go, 'love. Dan actually bought this for you, so I hope you finish it all."

Phil tensed up for a second by the mention of his name. He wanted to shake off the uneasy feeling but he couldn't, so he just gave another tired smile to his mum, hoping she wouldn't see through it, as he reached for his glasses on his nightstand. "I'll try, thank you."

He shuffled to the tray and lifted it up closer to him, setting it on top of his legs and began to eat/drink his soup (Phil never really understood soup, to be honest. Is it food? Is it a drink? Phil will never know.)

"Drink your medicine after dinner, you need a full stomach." his mother reminded him as she sat down on his bed.

Phil just nodded at her as he gulped the last drop of his soup (it was a pretty small cup) and set the empty polystyrene cup on the tray.

His mum set the tray aside and reached her hand towards Phil, pressing her palm on his forehead. "Hmm, well you're not boiling hot anymore, but you still need to stay in bed for awhile, okay?"

Phil, like before, just merely nodded at his head at her, it wasn't like he had other responses. Plus, he was still feeling bummed out from his dream and what happened with Dan earlier.

"Hey, are you okay?" his mum suddenly asked, looking at Phil with a concerned expression. She could just see right through him.

Phil looked up at his mum and shrugged. "I-I'm fine…"

"'You sure? You don't seem to talk much anymore, and you've been really gloomy lately." she questioned as she shuffled closer to him.

As much as Phil wanted to curl up in a ball and shut her away from interfering with his personal problems, he wanted to open up.

Phil never really wanted his mum to interfere with his life; she tends to get a bit invasive. He would usually be vague about it whenever she would ask if anything interesting was happening to him. He would be vague, yes, but he wouldn't lie, he never lied to her. So lying to her last night, saying he was just going to Dan's house to hang out with him and his friends instead of saying he was going to a house party to get drunk, was pretty hard. And right now, he didn't want to hide anymore, he needed comfort. He may seem like a fucking pussy for wanting cuddles and comfort but he didn't care. He's a baby, call it what you may, he just needed the warm embrace of affection again. So he stayed quiet for a bit, hoping it was enough for his mum to understand that there _was_ something bothering him. And thankfully, it was.

"Philip, c'mon…" his mum said in a soft voice, moving next to him and wrapping an arm around the small of his back and rubbed his arm in a very comforting and motherly way, "What is it? You can talk to me about anything."

Phil just stared down at his duvet and fiddled with his fingers, preparing himself to pour out everything to his mum.

His mother hummed as she stared at a distance, trying to guess what her son's problems were. "Hmm… is it about school?"

Phil slowly shook his head.

"Okay… is it about our new home? Are you homesick?"

He shook his head again.

"Is it… about your friends?"

Phil stayed still for a bit before he slowly nodded his head.

"Okay… is it about PJ?"

He shook his head.

"Is it about Dan?"

He tensed up a bit. _No going back now._ With a deep sigh, he closed his eyes and nodded his head.

"What about Dan?"

Phil could feel his lips tremble and his eyes water when he thought back to Dan. He let his body fall limp, leaning towards the embrace of his mum and buried his face on her shoulder. "I love him."

Silence followed, but then he felt the arms of his mother wrap up around him and rubbed his back in a soothing manner, urging him to continue.

"I think I'm in love with him but I fucked up." Phil hiccupped, "I told him in the worst way possible and I scared him away, he probably hates me now. I knew I shouldn't have told him, I'm so fucking stupid."

"Hey, hey- shhh…" his mum hushed him, resting her chin on top of her son's head, "Don't say that. You're not stupid, Phil. In fact, you're _very_ smart, things just happen like that in life."

Phil sniffed and nuzzled into his mum, hoping that his glasses that were pressed up against her neck wasn't causing her any pain, but she just held him tighter. "It's okay, Phil. You just need to talk to him; you need to patch things up with him. But if he's still avoiding you then don't bother; he's not good enough for you. I'm actually surprised he doesn't like you back. You're the sweetest and the loveliest person I know, and I'm not being bias."

He let out a small chuckle and looked up at his mum. "Thanks mum."

She smiled at him and kissed the top of his forehead. "No problem, sweetie. And why didn't you tell me you like guys before?"

"Umm… I-I didn't know if you'd…" Phil mumbled shyly.

His mum playfully clicked her tongue at him. "You think I'd be mad at you? Why would you think that? Of course not, Phil. You know I'll love you no matter what."

Phil didn't know what to say, he just smiled at her, he was just so happy that his mum accepted him for who he was.

"So tell me," his mum smirked, "when did you find out you like guys?"

Phil huffed and nervously scratched the back of his neck, slightly moving away from his mother's arms. "Err… do you remember Evan?"

His mum then suddenly gave him a weird look and tilted her head at him. " _Really_? That ass?"

Phil chuckled loudly; he didn't really expect that language to come from his own mother. "Yeah."

"Jeez, Phil. I thought you'd have better taste in men." she scoffed, but then rubbed Phil's arm again soothingly, "So did you tell him?"

Her son gave a sad nod, not wanting to think about it again.

"'Reckon he didn't take it well, did he?"

Phil shook his head. "No…"

His mum wrapped her arms around Phil again and rubbed his back. "That's okay, he couldn't tell his ass from his face anyway, you deserved way better than him."

Phil sighed sadly and closed his eyes. "Or maybe there's something wrong with _me_. No one seems to like me back, so maybe the problem was me."

"Hey, don't you go there again. You're amazing, okay? Maybe they just haven't figured that out yet." his mum lightly scolded him, "And what about Anna? She liked you, didn't she? Oh, but then… you like guys. Is that why you broke up with her?"

"No, I like Anna, and I still like girls but…" Phil explained, "We've been friends for _so_ long, it feels as if we're related. So it's a bit weird dating her when I see her as my sister, you know?"

"Ah, I see…" she hummed, "At least she was still nice to you."

"Yeah."

They stayed there in silence for a few minutes before his mum spoke up again. "Just talk to Dan okay? He's like, thirty times better than Evan so I'm sure he'll understand. He's a good boy."

Phil nodded his head, for what felt like the billionth one since he started talking to his mum.

"And if things don't work out with Dan, I heard the Caseys next door have a gay son. His name's Charlie and he's pretty charming. Want me to introduce you to him?" his mum suddenly mused.

Phil let out another tired chuckle. "Thank mum, but I think I'll pass."

"Aww..." she playfully pouted and gave Phil one last bright smile before removing her arms around him and standing up. "I'll go on ahead and finish making dinner, but _talk to Dan_ , okay?"

"Okay." Phil smiled and watched as his mother ruffled his head and exited his room with the tray and the empty polystyrene cup.

Well, that made him feel twenty times better than before, but the heavy weight on his chest was still there. _Talk to Dan, okay?_ He re-called his mother say, and she was right but there was one problem, he already _did_ talk to Dan and his situation had only gotten worse. _Now_ what was he going to do?

" _I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do this right now. I-I have to think- I need some time to think… I'm so sorry, Phil."_

Phil didn't know if he was supposed to take those words positively or negatively. It was either Dan wanting to get out of the room as soon as possible because he got weirded out and scared by Phil's confession, or he happened to like Phil back but was too scared and overwhelmed by his _own_ feelings.

 _Probably the first one,_ Phil thought.

He didn't know the true meaning behind Dan's last words before he left earlier, and quite frankly, he was afraid to know. Another deep sigh escaped his lips before dropping his head back down on his pillow and then closed his eyes, hoping and waiting for this whole thing to just blow over.

_Maybe he should've just agreed on meeting "Charming Charlie" next door._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE LONG DELAY BUT I'M BACK NOW TADA. tl;dr: I had to immigrate to Canada from the Philippines so I had to do a lot of shit basically, but I'm back with a new chapter! (It's kinda terrible at the end I'm so sorry) But I hope you guys like it anyway! :) 
> 
> (Oh yeah, I don't know how the grading system works in the UK so I just went with whatever I "know")

It was Thursday.

And even after what happened with Phil yesterday, after our talk and after me leaving, saying that I needed to think everything through, I still didn't know what to do.

But here I was in school, at lunch time, feeling just as lost as I was yesterday.

I wandered mindlessly through the corridors, barely filled with students since they were all at the canteen having lunch. I didn't want to join Jill and the others today, I needed some time alone to _think_. So I texted Chris and said that I wasn't going to join them. He was a bit confused but he quickly understood.

I did the liberty of packing my own lunch to school and now I just needed a place where I could eat alone, somewhere quiet. Maybe the courtyard, it seemed quiet enough. Sighing, I dragged my feet across the hall to where the yard was.

When I turned to a corner I suddenly stopped my tracks, locking my eyes with another person that I didn't particularly wanted to deal with today. With his hand half closing his locker, his varsity jacket folded and thrown over his shoulder and piercing grey eyes gazing into mine, it was none other than the school's heartthrob/Jill's ex boyfriend/the guy I abandoned at the party the other night, Scott.

I sucked in my breath when he slowly closed his locker door, thinking that he was going to march up to me, push me against the lockers and beat the shit out of me for bailing out on him and his friends with the 'faggot' at the party. He didn't. Instead, he just clutched his jacket and stared at me, then quickly glued his eyes on the floor as he walked pass me while I was still standing there, dumbfounded.

It wouldn't surprise me if he _did_ push me around and beat me up, but he didn't, and that surprised me even more. Why didn't he?

Giving out yet another tired sigh, I continued my way down the hall to courtyard.

***~*~*~*~*~**

A gust of cold wind hit me as I entered the courtyard. There were a few other people in the field, maybe like ten. Five were bundled up into a group on the fountain, located in the center, chatting as they ate their packed lunch. Two were sitting under a tree, taking a quick nap and three were just merely talking as they sat on a bench. It seemed good enough.

I made my way to the farthest and most secluded tree at the corner of the yard and sat on the grass, unfolding my sandwich in my hands and began eating. I still need to think some things through. But I couldn't think.

I arrived home after our talk yesterday, lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling with a blank expression. I haven't though anything through yet, but the memory of me and Phil kissing in the rain kept replaying over and over in my head, along with my memories of being with Jill. I didn't know why Jill suddenly popped into my head but the fact that I kissed Phil and she never knew about it made me feel guilty, unfaithful, and it was eating me alive. It wasn't like the kiss was a big deal…right?

My sandwich suddenly tasted like sand. No, it _was_ a big deal. Phil likes me— maybe even love me. And I just like him as a friend, so it shouldn't be _that_ big of a deal to _me_. I should just tell him I like him as a friend and move on. But that didn't seem right. To be honest, this whole thing made me felt like I was cheating on Jill, which clearly I wasn't. The kiss and Phil's feelings have absolutely nothing to do with me being with Jill. Unless… I felt the same way.

I stopped eating altogether, the pit of my stomach started to feel weird. _Do_ I feel the same way about Phil?

"Mind if I join you?" someone suddenly said, instantly pulling me away from my thoughts.

I slowly looked up and blinked slightly, giving the person a weird look when I finally get to see who it was. _Of course_ it was him…

"I guess not…" I said, uncertain, it'd be a bit rude to say no at this point.

PJ smiled then promptly sat down next to me as I scooted a bit to make some space between us. Where the hell did he even come from? I looked around the yard and noticed the group that was bundled up together on the fountain with five people now only had four.

The silence was beyond awkward, what was he doing here? What did he want from me? I took a small side glance at him; he was just sat cross legged next to me, eating his sandwich peacefully.

"How are you?" he asked, turning to me.

I sighed through my nose, giving him a quick glance then setting my eyes down on the grass. "I don't know, you tell me. You were there at the party, and you were there yesterday."

In the corner of my eye, I could see PJ raising his eyebrows in surprise. "Wow— okay, jumping _right_ into the topic."

"Why are you here?"

He brushed some breadcrumbs off of his jeans and put away his sandwich, properly turning to me. "I'm here to talk about Phil."

I almost gave out a tired and annoyed groan because _of course_ he is. I didn't need his help with this; this was mine and Phil's problem, not his. Why did he even bother to butt in?

"Now hear me out," PJ quickly said before I said anything else, "I'm not here to force you into loving Phil back and shit. I'm just here to tell you that…" PJ slipped in a small sigh as he nervously wringed his wrist, "If you're going to turn Phil down— if you're going to reject him, that's fine. But please. Please _god_ , take it easy on him."

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion as I slowly turned my head to look at PJ. I haven't concluded about my feelings for Phil yet, but if I were to reject him, of course I would take it easy on him. Why would he think—

"If _you've_ been feeling down in the dumps lately, then how do you think Phil feels?" PJ pointed out, which made my throat dry, "He's been blaming himself, hating himself, calling himself _'pathetic'_ and a _'fucking piece of shit'_ because he thinks that all of this would've never happened if he hadn't got drunk and _'fucked up'_."

My hand subconsciously clenched on my sandwich.

"The guy's been through _so_ much…" PJ continued, "He's been rejected, pushed around, spat on in ways that left emotional scars."

My eyes widened. He's been what..?

"He might have not told you this but… one of the many reasons why he and his family moved here is not only because of his parent's work. He was bullied a lot in his old school." PJ quietly said, like it was a secret Phil told him not to tell, "It wasn't that bad though, but being such a sensitive kid back then… it hurt him a lot."

I bit my lip and forced myself to hold back my tears. Who in hell would ever hurt Phil?

_You, Dan…_

"But those weren't his concerns anymore. He tries his best to get past all of those and move on with a smile on his face. When he moved in here, he was determined to make a fresh start, to leave all his troubles behind." PJ said as he smoothened out the creases on his uniform, "I guess it's not working out for him so well…"

I slowly put my lunch back inside my bag; I'm not feeling so hungry anymore.

_Dammit, this is all_ my _fault. Not Phil's._ I _was the one who fucked up. He shouldn't beat himself up like this…_

"Phil's a great guy, and we're just friends if you think there's something going on between us." PJ explained, making my face heat up.

"I didn't think there was…" I retorted, looking back down at the grass and nervously picking on them.

"Then why does it seem like you want to wrangle my neck whenever you see me with Phil? Or see _me_ , in general."

I gnawed on my lip again, he's got a point. It was one of the main reasons why I thought telling Phil that I just like him as a friend wasn't the right idea. If I just like him as a friend then why do I feel and act grumpy whenever I see him and PJ together? Maybe it's just friend jealousy but… "I-I don't… know…"

"I hope you know that I'm actually a nice person." PJ softly chuckled.

I turned to him a bit and gave him an apologetic smile. "Yeah, I know…I'm sorry."

Silence followed, but it wasn't as awkward as before. In fact, it felt comfortable. PJ stretched his long legs across the grass and leaned back on the bark of the tree, bringing his bag up on his lap. "You know… I actually think we would've been good friends if we met in different circumstances."

"We can still be friends," I shyly said then shrugged, "we could start over."

PJ smiled brightly as he reached his hand to me for a handshake. "PJ Ligouri."

"Dan Howell." I chuckle as I shook his hand.

"Dan Howell, huh? You seem like a cool guy. My friend, Phil, told me a lot about you." he playfully said.

A warm feeling quickly spread through my chest when he said that. I didn't know if it was a joke or not but it my heart flutter for a second. "Really?"

"Oh yeah, he wouldn't shut up about you." PJ said in a soft voice, noting that he was actually serious, "When we're in Art Class or in the canteen, you're all he talks about. It's getting kind of annoying actually."

My lips turn up a bit, feeling warm and fuzzy, but then dropped down. I was still confused; I need to figure out my feelings for Phil as soon as I could.

"Hey, I just want you to know again that I'm not here to force you into loving Phil back." PJ reminded me, "That's the last thing he wants. You can reject him if you don't feel the same way…"

_That's the problem. I don't_ know _if I feel the same way…_

"But… you know, as much as possible, at least stay friends with him. That's his main concern, he was afraid to think that he might've ruined a life long friendship. He was afraid that things might get awkward between you two now. "

_That's what I'm trying to fix. I don't want things to be awkward between me and Phil. I want us to be like what we were before. Or maybe something more..._

I blushed a bit at the thought.

_That is… if I_ do _feel the same way. I just don't want us to pretend like we never knew each other._

"Well, I better get back to the others." PJ sighed as he slowly stood up, swinging his backpack over his shoulder. He gave me one last smile, "I hope you guys fix this whole thing, it was nice talking to you. I'll see you again soon, yeah?"

I returned the smile, and it was then when I realised that it was the first time I ever smiled at PJ. "Yeah…"

He nodded at me before returning to his group on the fountain, leaving me alone next to the tree again. It was really nice talking to PJ and not holding a grudge on him anymore, and now that he left me with something more to think about, I didn't know if it made things easier for me.

I gritted my teeth and brought my hands to my face.

_God, I need to_ _**think** _ _. This is fucking stressful…_

Before I could even get one with my thoughts again, the bell rang, indicating the end of lunch. I internally groaned.

_That's okay…_ I tried to calm myself down, _I could still get my mind straight later after school. That way, there will be nothing to distract me anymore and I could think clearly._

And with that positive thought, I slid my hands from my face, grabbed my bag and stood up, brushing away the bread crumbs and dirt from my school trousers before leaving the area and heading to class.

The rest of my day in school felt time lapsed, which was a bit different to what people usually say. They said when you're in school, or when you keep thinking about something, or even when you're doing nothing, time seems to slow down. But that didn't seem like the case for everyone. I was in school, I had something on my mind and I was basically doing nothing and yet it felt like just a minute ago I was just having lunch and now, I was in English class and the bell started ringing.

"Oh wow, end of class already?" Mr. Flare said, surprised, as if he also noticed that time flew by so quickly, "I guess we'll continue today's lesson tomorrow— no, on Monday. The thing we're gonna do tomorrow in the auditorium would take up my time. And speaking of tomorrow…"

Mr. Flare cleared his throat as he re-approached his desk. He opened one of the drawers and pulled out a bunch of papers, presumably the essays everyone submitted yesterday. "Thank you to everyone who made the effort to write their essays. I loved every single one of them. But unfortunately, I've only been asked to pick three that I liked the most. Don't worry; everyone's work won't go to waste. To the top three, I'll give them an automatic B if they fail or if they achieve a lower grade on their next exams. And to everyone else, they get an automatic C."

Everyone then groaned in frustration.

"Hey now, it's only fair to the top three, they worked hard and put effort into their work. You should just be thankful you still get a C." Mr. Flare scolded, "Anyway, to those who names I call, stay in the room, and to everyone else, you can leave."

Mr. Flare shuffled the papers in his hands and looked over them. "PJ Liguori. Carrie Fletcher. Jack Howard. Dean Dobbs. Dan Howell and Phil Lester."

_Oh, great._

He looked over at everyone and smiled, "Congratulations, you get a B and you get a chance to put your face in the hall of fame. Now, to everyone else, you can go."

Everyone began to pack up their things and leave the room, except for me and everyone else who was called out. Once everyone else left, Mr. Flare looked at the remaining and gestured us to the front of the desk. I stood up, lifted my bag over my shoulders and walked upfront, seeing everyone doing the same.

"Alright, here's what you guys are gonna do…" Mr. Flare said, looking over us, "You're in pairs, right? Only one has to get up on that podium. So who's going up there?"

"I'll go up there." Jack declaired.

"Well, I guess I'll do it." PJ followed.

Mr. Flare smiled and nodded at them before laying his eyes on me and frowning a bit. "Is Phil still sick?"

"Yeah." PJ said, "Apparently, it's gotten worse."

This would be the time where I'd get extremely annoyed at PJ for answering questions _I_ should know. But we just made our peace earlier, so I guess I'll spare him the boiling hatred deep inside me.

Mr. Flare clicked his tongue. "Poor boy, that leaves Dan then…"

I tensed up a bit as everyone's eyes darted towards me. "I-I guess…"

"Okay then. So what you're going to do, everyone's going to read the essay on stage. But you're not just going to read the essay, you need to add something like your own personal opinion, or tell a story from experience, just something to add to stand your statement. Got it?"

Everyone nodded.

"Good. Now after you get off your classes before mine, go to the auditorium's back stage and meet me there, okay?"

"Yes, Mr. Flare." everyone mumbled.

"Okay, now you can go. Have a good day everyone."

***~*~*~*~*~**

When I got home, I immediately lay down my bed and let out an exasperated sigh, with my bag sitting on my stomach.

_Okay, so… what am I going to say on that podium?_

I groaned in frustration. This would be a lot easier if I had someone to discuss this with.

_Maybe if you could just call Phil and tell him you're reciting this stupid thing, then maybe you would be under less stress._

I groaned louder.

_I hate everything._

With my hand on my pocket, I thought about actually calling Phil and asking him to help me out with this, but stopped. First of all, it'd be a bit weird to call him and _not_ tell him what he _probably_ expected to hear from me after yesterday's conversation. And second, he was sick. I didn't want to overcook his brain.

I sat up instead and opened my bag, bringing out my English notebook with all our recorded information in there and scanned it, trying to get something out of it for something to say when I go up on the podium.

Love is this. Love is that. Love is when. Love is where.

What was I supposed to get out of that?

I skimmed through it more, stumbling upon some Wikipedia definitions.

"… _variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection to pleasure."_

It sounded so artificial, like a robot who knew the definition but never at all experiencing it.

"— _ **it just kept bothering me that he's a robot and he fell in love."**_

Phil's words suddenly echoed in my head. Why? I didn't know. No one knew.

I read through more.

" _It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction…_

_**Phil ruffled his already messy dark hair and pushed it to the side, some of his hair falling back to his eyes as he turned to me and returned with an apologetic smile. He** _ _**was** _ _**attractive.** _

… _and personal attachment."_

_**Phil was my friend and that was that. In fact, we've only known each other for a couple of days and yet it seemed like he was my best friend already.** _

I audibly breathed through my nose, annoyed. Annoyed? What was annoying? I didn't know. It sure as hell not because I couldn't stop thinking about Phil.

But I read through more.

"… _love is sometimes contrasted with friendship, although the word_ _love_ _is often applied to close friendships."_

_**"I like you…" Phil muttered, looking down at his fingers again.** _

_**"I mean, would you know the** _ _**exact** _ _**moment when you start to fall in-" he quickly stopped himself, stuttering as he tried to find another word, "w-when you start to like someone?"** _

_**I took a deep breath and glanced at Phil for a few seconds, almost completely regretting it when I saw him with his mouth slightly agape, and with tears hanging from the brim of his eyes.** _

_**He looked completely heartbroken.** _

"God!" I hissed under my breath as I slammed my notebook close, throwing it someplace where the lights didn't shine.

Yesterday, I couldn't think about anything else. Yesterday, my mind was blocked. And now that the block was unplugged, all I could think about is Phil Phil _Phil_. His perfect fucking hair, his gorgeous blue-y, green-y, whatever-y eyes, his smooth and perfect pale skin. His voice. His face. His body. His everything.

Him. Phil.

_Phil._

I started to pull my hair in frustration. Why? Frustrated of what?

_Everything._

Of the fact that I have to say something on that fucking podium? Of the fact that I couldn't get Phil out of my head? Of the fact that I've hidden myself within Jill's shade for too long? Of the fact that I just dig myself deeper and deeper into the hole that I've made for myself?

I let out a shaky breath and buried my face in my hands.

_Okay, calm down. Let's think this all through one by one, baby steps._

I thought about Jill first. Did I love her? I need to be _completely_ honest right now. I need to dig inside myself and find the _real_ answer.

Did I love Jill?

No.

I didn't.

I never did. What I felt for her, it wasn't love. I thought it was, but it was just me trying to create fake feelings for her because I felt so bad for _using her_. She wasn't just using me, I was using her too. My eyes widened a bit at the realisation.

Jill was beautiful, popular. She was what every boy wanted and every girl wanted to be. And I was just so proud and happy to be the one who gets to have her. But I didn't love her. I did it for me. The sad and lonely sap who wanted to get recognised. Who wanted to be popular. I did it all for my sake. I should be ashamed of myself.

I just didn't want to be alone. Was that bad?

_But you're not alone anymore, Dan. You now have Phil._

Phil.

"Phil." I whispered his name in my mouth.

I realised now. Reading those "definitions". It wasn't because I haven't thought about my feelings for Phil before, and it wasn't because I was confused and I haven't _"concluded"_ my feelings for him yet. I already did. And it was the moment where we both kissed under the rain and I happily kissed him back. I just didn't know it yet. But those feelings were just so strong it scared the hell out of me. It made me push my feelings even deeper, forced it down that hole I made. I didn't know why, but I was just so scared to admit it.

But now, maybe I can.

I love him.

_I love Phil._

I didn't even care anymore now that I suddenly realised that I actually like guys.

I just knew that I love him.

I could feel myself stopping the process of digging that hole inside me. I could feel myself climbing out and running. I could feel the wind kiss my cheeks. I could taste the freedom.

I was free.

The corners of my mouth twitch upwards until eventually they formed into a real smile.

I _am_ free.

I've accepted myself. I've accepted who I finally was. I've accepted the wrongs I did. What I've done, what _I am_. I now understood that the one limiting me and making me feel trapped was _me._ I was hiding myself from everything else, trying to pretend to be someone I wasn't just to fit in, and told myself I needed to do _this_ and _that_. But now, I understood that life didn't work like that. And it took me this long to realise that? I just needed self acceptance.

Well, no more hiding.

That long and heavy weight on my chest finally lifted. I could breathe.

I hated hiding and look where it got me.

_Oh no…_

My smile faltered.

_Phil._

I have to tell him now. Oh god, this was all my fault. I have to mend it. I have to fix my mistakes.

And with that determination, I stood up from my bed, my whole body shaking and my heart beating faster than it ever did. I took my phone out and my fingers hovered on Phil's number.

Wait.

No.

I need to do something _else_ first. Something I should've done a long time ago.

So I scrolled down more and found the other number that I was looking for. I pressed on it and brought the phone close to my ear, hearing the beeping of the other line.

This is it.

No cop outs.

And then the person on the other end finally picked up, _"Hello?"_

"Jill?"

_"Danny-bear!"_ I heard her squeal, _"What's the matter?"_

"Listen, I uh… I need to talk to you." I nervously said, my voice audibly quivering.

_"Alright?"_

There was a pause. "No, I mean in person."

_"You can talk to me through the phone."_

"Yeah, but this is important. I need to see you." I nibbled on my fingernails anxiously, "Can I drop by your house at five?"

_"Yeah, okay. But Dan, what's so important that you need to see me in person?"_ I could hear the tone of annoyance in her voice.

"I just— we…" I breathed in slowly, and then exhaled, releasing some tension in my body and voice.

"We need to talk, Jill."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY. I NEED TO ASK YOU GUYS FOR SOMETHING. I need some "Love is when..." examples from you guys for the speech (you know, like the ones in chapter 4) you don't have to give me one but if you have one that you think is good, leave it in the comments and I'll credit those examples I've chosen :)
> 
> See you in the next (and maybe even final) chapter!


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